#1
Hey!
Do you have a favorite comedian?
Or do you make up your own crap?
Either way, post it here!

You can post a bit from your favorite comedian, or you can tell us your own copyrighted (not really) jokes!

One liners, knock-knocks, yo mamas, anything goes!!

No spamming tho, and no flamming!
I'll start:

Nick Thune:"Recently my roomate walked in on me while i was masturbating and-wait, let me rephrase that- Recently I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.....Hey can I borrow your sock?"
LOLOL

If we puke on mean people, they will be to sticky to hurt us!
#2
When's a cow not a cow?


When's its slaughtered and sold off as beef in the shops.

ಠ_ಠ

wat

#3
Quote by Jaymz_515
When's a cow not a cow?


When's its slaughtered and sold off as beef in the shops.



That's a good one
#4
Horse walks into a bar, bartender says 'Why the long face?'


'I have AIDS.'
derp
lol u have faggot in ur username


Quote by Jack Off Jill
You know, if you, Silent Deftone and I get together.. We'd be unstoppable at the night clubs.


Everything I say is to be taken as serious fucking business.
#5
The internet is where most of my lulz come from. I also love Peep Show, Scrubs, Eddie Izzard, and Jack Dee.



#6
Quote by webbtje
The internet is where most of my lulz come from. I also love Peep Show, Scrubs, Eddie Izzard, and Jack Dee.





hahahahahaha

if i didn't hate you soo much i'd congratulate you!

but i do so i wont...

umm jokes... three blondes walk into a bar, you would've thought one of em would've noticed it...
#7
i'm not good at telling jokes..btw,my fave comedian(stand-up) is Dane Cook and Russel Peters..
"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?"
#9
Dane Cook, Ron White, and Dave Chappelle man

" How's it taste muthafuka!!!"

" Will you please stop screaming at me"

" I can't, thats the way I talk, ain't you ever seen my movies!?! Juice, that was a good one! Deep Blue Sea, they ate me, a fukin shark ate me! Drink Bitch!!!!!!!!!!"

lol
#10
I found this one on polish site, I translated a bit of it ;]
Lord of the rings, "Shire-ring" scene
- Hold out your hand, Frodo. It's quite cool. What can you see? Can you see anything?
- Nothing. There's nothing. Wait. There are markings.
- What do they say?
- "Made in China"
- I was afraid of that!


It was funny in Polish though :]
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE
Quote by One Way Ticket
Two weeks ago, Yngwie Malmsteen walked up to me at a mall and gave me a bag of donuts. He told me "I don eat no focking donuts".
#11
Quote by red_hot_chili18


if i didn't hate you soo much i'd congratulate you!



Oh noes.

Who are you? If you're the guy I keep patronizing, you probably deserve it.
#12
my fav comedians are dememtri martin, jim gaffigan, and brian regan
#14
Best comedians ever = Ross noble, Bill bailey, Frankie boyle, Dylan Moran and Jack Dee
#15
I was watching Def Comedy Jam, and I saw what was probably the funniest ending of a set I've ever seen. This guy stops telling jokes, looks all serious, twiddles his thumbs and goes.."What? I'm done. This is a job. I'm doing what all of you people do at your jobs. You don't finish your eight hour shift with burst of energy do you? No, you just punch out." Then he looks at everyone for a few seconds, and then walks off stage.
Quote by vintage x metal
I love you =] I can't say I was very fond of you when we first started talking because you trolled the hell out of my threads, but after talking to you here I've grown very attached to you.

Yeah, write to my fanclub about it, honey.
#16
Quote by Ichikurosaki
I get my lulz from Mock of the Week


I saw Andy Parsons live.

He just recycles most of his jokes from Mock The Week

As for my favourite comedians: Ross Noble, Bill Bailey, Jack Dee, Billy Connolly and Jasper Carrott
#17
Mitch Hedberg.

Oh Shit, that was the punchline.
Quote by zgr0826
My culture is worthless and absolutely inferior to the almighty Leaf.


Quote by JustRooster
I incurred the wrath of the Association of White Knights. Specifically the Parent's Basement branch of service.
#19
Mich Headberg has a lot of great lines.
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You'll Never Walk Alone
#21
Quote by Ichikurosaki
I get my lulz from Mock of the Week, and Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

Also, Russel Brand.


Hate Mock the Week, but I'll join you on Buzzcocks.

Whack Have I Got News for You in there too. Radio 2 and 4 have some good stuff too, like the News Quiz and I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue.
#22
Quote by kidsilcon
Mich Headberg has a lot of great lines.

R.I.P.
Quote by innertom
So much down syndrome

remember UG Community? thought so.
#23
Quote by mikko_9119
R.I.P.


Here here.


Maybe he'll have a drink with that suffocating purple person that he didn't save.
Quote by zgr0826
My culture is worthless and absolutely inferior to the almighty Leaf.


Quote by JustRooster
I incurred the wrath of the Association of White Knights. Specifically the Parent's Basement branch of service.
#25
Quote by kidsilcon
Mich Headberg has a lot of great lines.


An escalator is the only thing in the world that cannot be broken. It just turns into stairs...thank you for the convience.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why mankind is.

http://groups.ultimate-guitar.com/map /
#26
Quote by jagstang365
An escalator is the only thing in the world that cannot be broken. It just turns into stairs...thank you for the convience.


I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
Quote by zgr0826
My culture is worthless and absolutely inferior to the almighty Leaf.


Quote by JustRooster
I incurred the wrath of the Association of White Knights. Specifically the Parent's Basement branch of service.