#1
Something I wrote about all the hell my step-dad put me and my mom through...


Endless Nights


The clock strikes 12 and they're at it again
I really don't understand this night of drugs and sin
I cover my eyes to block screams coming through the wall
And tears start to rain as I hear her cry from down the hall
The lock is broke and the house is left in a mess
He rides away on his chopper leaving the family depressed
There's blood slowly streaming down the edge of her wrist
She said, "God damn that man, I'm tired of his sh**".

A day later he called and asked her to forgive
She said, "Pack your sh** you f***in prick,
I never want to see you again."
Well he cried and he begged
She denied what he said, so once again he got pissed
And I sit in my room a quarter past 2
While they start to scream again
Will these endless nights of blood and sin ever come to an end

Well, the lightning strikes, and the thunder roars
As I suit up for this endless war
Ready to fight, we'll stand through this endless night
It's time to show him what we stand for
At the stroke of 4 he busts through the door
Hear the battle cries as I fight these endless nights

...Victory will be mine...Together we'll end this night...

C4C
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#2
The clock strikes 12 and they're at it again
I really don't understand this night of drugs and sin This is a good way to start it, but I think the second line here would read a bit smoother without "really". It seems like an unnecessary addition of syllables. Good attention grabber though.
I cover my eyes to block screams coming through the wall
And tears start to rain as I hear her cry from down the hall
The lock is broke and the house is left in a mess Did you mean for it to be "broke" and not "broken"?
He rides away on his chopper leaving the family depressed
There's blood slowly streaming down the edge of her wrist
She said, "God damn that man, I'm tired of his sh**". Good lines here, but I think it might read a little better if it was "I hate his sh**". It just seems to flow smoother without compromising your message.

A day later he called and asked her to forgive
She said, "Pack your sh** you f***in prick,
I never want to see you again."
Well he cried and he begged
She denied what he said, so once again he got pissed
And I sit in my room a quarter past 2
While they start to scream again
Will these endless nights of blood and sin ever come to an end Nothing really jumped out at me here that could be improved much. Fine work

Well, the lightning strikes, and the thunder roars
As I suit up for this endless war
Ready to fight, we'll stand through this endless night Unless it was intentional, I'd get rid of the second "endless", since it sorta makes a bump in the rhythm, and it's somewhat repetitious since it's seen previously in the line before and it doesn't seem like it's really needed
It's time to show him what we stand for
At the stroke of 4 he busts through the door
Hear the battle cries as I fight these endless nights Same thing here. If it's intentional repetition, then ignore me, but if it isn't, I'd try to find a different word for endless if you could. Even if it is intentional, I might suggest trying to find a different word here.

...Victory will be mine...Together we'll end this night...

Good stuff all around. I liked how you ended it. The more I think about it, the less I think you should remove the "endless"s from this piece, since it would diminish the effect of "Together we'll end this night". I liked this piece, I thought it did a good job of getting the frustration and anger across. If you could crit Writer's Block in my sig, I'd really appreciate it. Peace