Something that came to me today
please crit


You try to hide.
Try to disguise,
Who you really are
Locked up inside

But I can tell by your eyes
You're telling nought but lies.
Then when you sing
Those magical lines.
I can't help but forgive
you time after time.

When I look at you,
I pray it werent true.
When you look at me
What do you see?

I've always been true.
Can you honestly say that too.
You think you fool everyone,
When you're the fool.
Hey man, I don't have time to crit now cuz i got band prac for the rest of the night, but I'll hit it up tomorrow! Thanks for the crit on mine man
If your life was a song, would you sing my name?
I like this piece but I think you could change some things to help it flow a little better.

For example, the intro you have the lines "You try to hide Try to disguise" I'd lose the second "try" from it so it flows better as "You try to hide; to disguise". I also dislike the idea of "magical lines" as it's a little too cliche for my liking.

The rest of it I like though, but you could maybe add alittle more to the ending, as it seems slightly abrupt and raher blunt left as "When you're the fool"

3/5 man, keep working at it!

Return the crit on my latest piece? Take a Picture (Working Title)

Thanks man!