#1
I'm trying to write (or get back into writing) a story type of songs. Here is the first set:

A great past time
It’s a fresh breath of air
Clean and soft as
The wind blows through my hair

Mindless thoughts sink closer
Why does it sink
And form this link
To only me

(Ohhh)The Field of Ais
Ohhh—The grassy field of Ais
A portal to another world
Once a year to hold

I wait and wait
I go on back
And step through to face my fate
The problem lacks existence.
Nothing is wrong, I go back to my world.

Friends to join me
Back to the field of ais
There are no screams in glee
Thoughts of happiness is just a big haze

(Ohhh)The Field of Ais
Ohhh—The grassy Field of Ais
The one year hold
Doesn’t keep me back

The Field of Ais
There is no limits


Now, I'm a writer, not much of a poet. I kind of have an idea how the music would go for part I (this part), something rock, but, it also has the acoustic feeling to it (or maybe throughout the other songs as well)
#2
Very interesting. I like it. But, where is Ais?

I was trying to harmonize it and I couldn't really but I think it would sound cool just as a spoken word over a dark atmospheric bassline or some distorted guitar slow solo. Something on a Saul Williams kind of tip.
#3
Ais (pronounced ehs or could be pronounced I-ees) is a made up place that appeared in my dreams one day, so the name stuck.

Part 2:

Grass and Dirt
Trees and Leaves
Walk down this dirt path
Along with a calm gentle breeze

I am distracted
I feel good
I am attracted
I feel moved

Walking through the Mo'Kar Ruins
In search of something new
Why must I be distracted
By the feeling of attraction
This forest is just too great
Even with thoughts of hate

These thoughts of hate
Are truly there
But I don’t seem to care
This forest is just too great
Even with the outside hate

Even if I did care
It wouldn’t seem to matter

Walking through the Mo'Kar Temple
In search of my thoughts
This forest has so much power
No good can fade away
Ohh--- The Mo'Kar Temple
#4
ok first off for viewers help post part to with part one. It is allowed. Or put it as a new thread as collision of worlds prt. 2. now on to the crit. I'm going to do it in a two part reply part one then part two.

A great past time
It’s a fresh breath of air
Clean and soft as
The wind blows through my hair

witht his stanza i think it would flow better if in the 3rd line take out "as" and then replace the with "as"

Mindless thoughts sink closer
Why does it sink
And form this link
To only me

to much repitition of sink. in the first line i think if you change sink to subside it would sound better.


(Ohhh)The Field of Ais
Ohhh—The grassy field of Ais
A portal to another world
Once a year to hold

The last line sounds really forced

I wait and wait
I go on back
And step through to face my fate
The problem lacks existence.
Nothing is wrong, I go back to my world.

in this stanza you state that you go back to Ais twice in the 2nd and last line. i think if you leave it but change the second line to: "to go on back" it sounds a lot better.

Friends to join me
Back to the field of ais
There are no screams in glee
Thoughts of happiness is just a big haze

change, in the last line, from is to are

(Ohhh)The Field of Ais
Ohhh—The grassy Field of Ais
The one year hold
Doesn’t keep me back

The Field of Ais
There is no limits

eather make it In the feilds of Ais, or make it There are no limits.

Really liked this part great story. I love reading peotic based tales can wait to read more now onto part 2
#5
Grass and Dirt
Trees and Leaves
Walk down this dirt path
Along with a calm gentle breeze

take out along. in line one remove and, and just put a comma after grass, dirt, and leaves.

I am distracted
I feel good
I am attracted
I feel moved

i like what your going for but this stanza feels extremely forced.

Walking through the Mo'Kar Ruins
In search of something new
Why must I be distracted
By the feeling of attraction
This forest is just too great
Even with thoughts of hate

These thoughts of hate
Are truly there
But I don’t seem to care
This forest is just too great
Even with the outside hate

Even if I did care
It wouldn’t seem to matter

Walking through the Mo'Kar Temple
In search of my thoughts
This forest has so much power
No good can fade away
Ohh--- The Mo'Kar Temple

the rest of this is well done again I cant wait to read the rest of the tale.

crit for crit link in sig
#6
Quote by Promothus


Hi. I have a feeling (after reading the first few verses) I am going to be very harsh. Please don't take it as me being an ass, I'm trying to help you improve. Let's begin.

A great past time
It’s a fresh breath of air
Clean and soft as
The wind blows through my hair

Ok, stop here. This was bad. A terrible opening on most if not all accounts. You started "ok." The first line was boring... but then you linked directly into a terribly cliche, boring, and generally awful second line. Your third line... it says nothing... there is no substance there. Read it unbiased... like try reading it without knowing what the next line will be... see what I mean? Nothing there. Then, 4th line: there is a saying, "Show me, don't tell me." This is what I struggle with. The idea is that here, you announced what's going on... instead paint an image, talk about individual hairs blowing in the wind or something. Or better yet, drop this whole cliche image and do something different that doesn't seem like it was ripped straight out of the script of a terribly cheesy love movie.

Mindless thoughts sink closer
Why does it sink
And form this link
To only me

Again, this wasn't striking. Closer to what? Then you spend the rest of the "stanza" in a soliloquy of sorts asking rhetorical questions that the reader can't relate to becuase the idea of a "mindless thought" is so obscure and strange that the reader has nothing to connect with? It just didn't work.

(Ohhh)The Field of Ais
Ohhh—The grassy field of Ais
A portal to another world
Once a year to hold

Ok, this is obviously personal. So, I won't attack content here... given it is weak without us knowing what is going on. Obviously its some sort of "holiday" you go on once a year that is relaxing. But, really, this just didn't hold much for me again.

I wait and wait
I go on back
And step through to face my fate
The problem lacks existence.
Nothing is wrong, I go back to my world.

This was confusing... and not in a "good but poetic" way. Instead, I found the writing bland and the ideas jumbled at best. Let's break this down some. First line... "wait and wait" sounds like something a third grader would write. Then line 2... weak. Line 3... starting with 'and' rarely works, then the image/idea of "face my fate" is cliche. Plus, we are left without any idea of what the "fate" is that you have to face. The last two lines read terribly. They stumble all over themselves. The writing holds no rhythm and generally don't say too much during the process.

Friends to join me
Back to the field of ais
There are no screams in glee
Thoughts of happiness is just a big haze

Eh, its going down hill. The quality of writing and ideas. Here, seems like you are just stretching... like you ran out of verses and stiched something together. Your grammar is bad here, should be:

Friends join me,
back in the field of Ais.
There are no screams of glee,
thoughts of happiness are just a big haze.

However, if it were me, I'd dump this whole verse and do something different or make the song shorter. It just hold nothing, contradicts the idea of the field being a "newer happier" world. It basically says that everything you said before wasn't true.


(Ohhh)The Field of Ais
Ohhh—The grassy Field of Ais
The one year hold
Doesn’t keep me back

The Field of Ais
There is no limits



This wasn't very good. But don't let that discorage you... keep writing, my first pieces were AWFUL. Basically, the main advice I can give you is:


1) Don't force anything... you could tell in here as you started having to stretch more and more to complete ideas.

2) Show me, don't tell me

3) Re-read your pieces... its a fault of mine, because I don't. But a lot of your ideas here didn't connect, didn't make sense. Toward the end, your lines weren't even connected really. They seemed like a bad acid trip.

In the long run, I hope this helps. I don't mean to be an ass, just to help. If you have any questions about my comments, PM me and let me know.

Please return a critique on Tongue Locked Talks in my sig. It will be much appreciated.

-zC
#7
^^^ zanas I dont think you understood the basis of the peice. The refrence to the stepping into another world and what not wasn't metaphorical. It was litteral. Also the part witht he feilds of Ais weren't about a holiday. They were literally feilds that were named Ais.
This whole peice was about another world literally.

Besides that you did make some good points.
#8
I did understand the piece. Trust me. It was metaphorical in a sense that it was talking about going to another place and relaxing (holiday, vacation, etc...), and instead of just blatantly saying that, he was talking about the fields.

And beyond that, I was more concerned with the writing during these sections than the meaning. I do care about meaning, but until the writing is taken up a notch here, the meaning will always be hidden behind a fog of "why am I reading this?"

Again though, keep writing mate. I expect to see more from you.