#1
i fear immolation
self induced, Darondo’s ‘Let My People Go’ on repeat.
my hearing frail, extinction.
i’ve been deaf for so long.
pictures read like books and
others bliss are only left.
would you kiss these slobbered, lustful lips?

i’d watch droplets fall in succession,
black bangs wet with smut.
now they’ve grown from
harmless, dainty, accidents.

my conversations are fragments.
remnants of fluid thought.
sheets are sought
in all manner of displays.
a constant ache in my navel.
girl takes up my hand.
asks something to my blank face.
i just turn,
#2
i like the description. it adds atmosphere to what you're trying bring out. the one gripe i do have is the flow. it doesnt quite meld together like waves do you know? just think of your writing like waves in teh ocean and let em flow . dont think too much either. i think the reference of the song was clever. the end bit needs to be finished a little more. seems like another stanza is needed. stanza? or sentance, i think. otherwise interesting piece. very involving
#3
I have black bangs.

Anyway, I love the second line. Darondo's "Let My People Go" on repeat. It's very chuckle-inducing, but brilliant at the same time.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#4
Quote by towelho
the one gripe i do have is the flow. it doesnt quite meld together like waves do you know? just think of your writing like waves in teh ocean and let em flow


I thought the flow was fine.

I haven't really got too much to say other than kudos - this is a beautiful piece.

As I read the final stanza I was expecting the final word to be "away" to complete a rhyme with "displays" or whatever - I don't know whether that was intentional but I thought I'd mention it.
#5
I also agree that the flow wasn't too bad, and neither was the dictation, but I guess there is that certian something that most of your pieces have that I felt was missing here.

As I read it more, I like it more and more, but I guess the standard i set for you is pretty high, and this just didn't quite reach it.

if you want:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=797478
#7
I don't know. For some reason this bored me. A lot. I don't know why. It just seemed so plain and uninviting to me. I didn't like the flow, or the dictation. The metaphor was overused and cliche. It's too choppy. Like each line is a different thought. I think its poorly written. I didn't like this at all. Sorry for the bad crit. I feel like Simon Cowl right now. I don't mean to be mean but i'm saying it like it is. Imo, don't do anything more with this. Don't change it, don't use it. Ever. Once again, sorry for the bad crit.