#1
those thieves slipped out the door with all the money and the gold
and you never said a word to them.
they came in the daylight, no guns and not a single knife
but somehow cut out both of your eyes.
bottles and brown bags...
well i must admit, they go so well together,
but you are so much better than that, my friend.

i used to know this alley where all the angels would go
and drink until they fell asleep.
part of me seems to think i've seen you there before,
chatting about the horrible state
that those before us have left that paradise in
is it still worth dying for?


not finished yet, but i wanted to see what you guys thought.
Last edited by stjoejake at Mar 1, 2008,
#2
very nice. I really want to hear the rest of it, you left me hanging at the last line. Sorry, this is a terrible crit but I can't seem to find too much wrong with it. The ending of second line in the first stanza seems to mess up the flow, I think it runs on too long. The same with the next line. On the last two lines of the first stanza, I think you've used "so" too much.

The second line of the second stanza seems too short. The next line is too long but I don't have any suggestions there.

Great job on it
#3
I agree with bassgirl, and only have one suggestion. When you continue it, put some repetition in there - a single word or phrase repeated next to each other several times for emphasis. I think that would work well for this kind of poem/lyrics, especially if the part repeated in the main point of the thing, summed up.
█████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████
█████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████
█████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████

You're just another brick in the wall
#4
hey thanks guys for the crits. im still working on this obviously, but to answer the questions about verses being too long, they do fit. ive played/sang the songs using primarily the e and c minor chords and they work pretty well.

i wrote another verse to this, but i just got back from the bar and im waaaay too drunk to trust my own writing. so maybe tomorrow ill post it. in the meantime, let me know what you think.
#6
haha you crack me up.

just fyi, bass was/is my first love. so keep up what youre doing.
#10
excellllllent


anyways, thanks for crit'ing my song.

i dont know if crit'ing is a real word in UG world

but im too drunk to stay up, so im going to bed.

bass rocks, later dawgs
#11
Quote by stjoejake
excellllllent


I see what you did there.
█████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████
█████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████
█████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████

You're just another brick in the wall
#12
Quote by En_zed
I see what you did there.


lots s of l's

do you read collegehumor?
#13
waitt you jackass

dont make fun of me just cuz im drunk man

drunks are easy targets

try to direct your satire towards a more challenging opponent, smartass
#15
Quote by stjoejake
i still love you
justl ike jesus


Like raptor Jesus?
█████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████
█████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████
█████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████ █████

You're just another brick in the wall