#1
This is a poem thing about someone like an evil genius. Someone like me...

Anyway, does it make sense?

________________________________________________

This room has gray walls
completely laid bare,
one large window
and a back turned chair

The chair swivels;
the cold air freezes
as a man in a suit
steeples his fingers

He leans forward on the desk
and rests his arms
the visitor is impaled
with calculated calm

“You have come to make a deal?”
the sitting man asks.
“It was you who called.”
the standing gasps.

A smile was drawn,
on you know whose lips
As the sitting lent back
and the standing winced

“If you know what's good for you...”
the smile replied,
“You'll think for a second
about what is implied.”

As the conversation went on
one man held his stare
the other grew petrified
with ascending fear

When he was scared to the point,
where it could be no worse
the suit and the smile
laughed without mirth

“Tell your family, friends, and your world goodbye;
This deal we struck, means eye for an eye.”

The standing left, the sitting remained
swiveled his chair and smiled again.
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You're just another brick in the wall
Last edited by En_zed at Mar 3, 2008,
#2
I'm not a good judge of poems but It definatly paints the picture of a evil genius
When the sun falls the moon rises...

My attempt at art lasted for an instant and then faded like a candle without oil...

When i get around to making more candles hopefully my art will return in a perfect form that all can appreciate.
#3
that is awesome dude. painted a picture of an evil genius perfectly

Must Not Sleep.


Must Warn Others.

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#4
Quote by godofthemoon
I'm not a good judge of poems but It definatly paints the picture of a evil genius


Quote by an epic mistake
that is awesome dude. painted a picture of an evil genius perfectly


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You're just another brick in the wall
#5
Thanks for the crit. I'm returning the favour.

I agree with the other guys, paints a clear picture of an evil genius. when I first read the title my thoughts went straight to mr Burns, then I saw your comment, lol.

I noticed that you'd put yourself into the scene at some points mainly noticable in the first stanza. It's confusing when you read it and it messes up the flow, make sure everything is in the same kind of "format."


that's all otherwise good job on it.
#6
^ Yeah, I also wondered about that whole spectator thing. However, starting with "This" other than "the" sounds better for some reason. Thanks for the crit anyway!
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You're just another brick in the wall
#7
I like this poem...its pretty cold

My favorite thing is how you have created an atmosphere
of chilling fear without actually spelling everything out.
Its cool how there is nothing in the room that stands out.
this writing is totally focusing on characters. I find this style
of writing very difficult..yet most rewarding. I think you should
get into short stories.
I bet Charlie Brown's teacher's name was Mrs.Hammett
#8
Personally, I get the feel of someone like Kingpin but without the crush-your-skull-in kinda attitude.. It's cool though.
#9
^ Thanks, folks. To Washburnd Fretz: I am trying short stories, but problems arise...I always make the intro too long, in comparison with the rest of the story. Anyway, I'm glad you said so, and thanks for that.

To CreamedExplorer: Kingpin, ehh? In my mind, them and evil geniuses are closely linked - I'd like to think it could be interpreted either way.
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You're just another brick in the wall
#10
Hah, quite enjoyed the poem. I like poems/lyrics who actually tell some story. I can agree with people saying that you painted the picture of an evil genius really good, though this evil genius is pretty funny and cartoon-y for me But hey, all evil geniuses I know are like that.

When he was scared to the point,
where it could be no worse
the suit and the smile
laughed without mirth


This verse doesn't seem to be very rhytmic, it's a little bit off, and it pains even more because it's right next to the breakdown where you use two-line stanzas. You should do something with this verse, the rest is fine.

And I really like the concept of writing about evil genius <evil laughter>

Would you crit my song Spaceship One? It really needs some constructive critique, I think.
#11
^ 1 crit-back, coming right up! Also, I do agree with you about that verse - it's not quite right. Maybe one too many syllables in the second line or something. I'll work on it.
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You're just another brick in the wall
#12
pretty good. not sure how this would be in song form. song form. doesnt seem to really mean anything except evil genius. which of coarse isnt nice. lol. but it should probably be more evil than that. like cuts the throats of babies and ect. sorry thinking of coheed and cambria.
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing
#13
Quote by matosh.lee
pretty good. not sure how this would be in song form. song form. doesnt seem to really mean anything except evil genius. which of coarse isnt nice. lol. but it should probably be more evil than that. like cuts the throats of babies and ect. sorry thinking of coheed and cambria.


Lol - IMO, evil isn't how many throats you cut, it's how many lives you destroy. It's also about the whole cold thing. It always has to be cold. What you are talking about is aggravated, uncontrolled evil. That's much to inarticulate for me!
Thanks for the comment anyway!
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You're just another brick in the wall
#14
yeah evil isnt always necessarily the most brutal thing you can think of. its often one inhumane act done without a second thought.

As the conversation went on
one man held his stare
the other grew petrified
with ascending fear

it was really good. that stanza is the only one im iffy on.......the last line....like all of the others rhyme at least somewhat.......dont worry too much though. that was my only qualm.
#15
Quote by abdulalhazred
yeah evil isnt always necessarily the most brutal thing you can think of. its often one inhumane act done without a second thought.

As the conversation went on
one man held his stare
the other grew petrified
with ascending fear

it was really good. that stanza is the only one im iffy on.......the last line....like all of the others rhyme at least somewhat.......dont worry too much though. that was my only qualm.


Thanks. Maybe it has one too many symbols..."growing" instead of "ascending" may work. Or possibly it could be broken into several words...or something. We'll see.
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You're just another brick in the wall
Last edited by En_zed at Mar 5, 2008,