#1
A song. Crit returned in the style it is recieved.

autumn orchid story

this window isn’t stained glass, but i can’t see through it too clearly.
there’s a bird, oh, such a pretty bird, about to spread her wings and leave here.
leave this crooked branch in this pale dead tree,
take her polaroid frames and head off to a world where the skyline can’t be seen.

trade these peeling streets for a winding red carpet,
trade this morning haze for a glorious sunset.
take those dressed up eyes and dressed up lips
and swaggering hips and be someone you’ve never met.

this doorframe isn’t cheap wood, but i can feel a draft coming in
from a sad storm in a sad sky where the light is growing thin.
through this crooked house in this pale, dead street,
through an off-white picket fence, and a mailbox with painted skin.
into a room where broken china litters the floor,
in the shape of a sad face on the beach near the shore
of an ocean-masked graveyard all battered and worn
with the name of a girl who could never have been more.

but i’d trade these peeling streets for a minute of her time,
trade this empty house for an aching, endless line.
take this choked up tongue and choked up words
and the things i’ve heard about someone i shouldn’t have met.

this cheap rug isn’t dead cat but something’s still screaming murder.
and this old room isn’t haunted but i still see her face in this mirror
smiling softly through a cracked lens, talking double-edged whispers
in a white dress with her pale skin and her soft, perfect fingers.

i’m just dragging around ghosts.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Mar 1, 2008,
#2
As far as the song and subject go I really like it. Girlfriends always seem to spark a lot of creativity even when they leave. As far as the writing goes I had an english teacher once who used to use the term "precise verbs" but really it just means being economical with your word choice. Don't waste words, especially conjunctions, just filling in space for a rhyme scheme if it can be avoided. For example, compare the first line of your first section and the first line of your last section. Basically the same in form but "something's still screaming murder" speaks miles more than "but I can't see through it too clearly" even though there's more words. Maybe something like 'but my vision's blurred and marred' or 'but my eyes are glassy red'. Those might not work but you get the idea.
#3
autumn orchid story

this window isn’t stained glass, but i can’t see through it too clearly.
there’s a bird, oh, such a pretty bird, about to spread her wings and leave here.
leave this crooked branch in this pale dead tree,
take her polaroid frames and head off to a world where the skyline can’t be seen.

Hmm, wasn't a fan. The first line is slightly awkward, I see what the guy above me was saying, this could be condensed so much, more word effective. L2+3 are pretty good, 3 was a bit weird, I'd go for mentioning it was still connected to the tree, 'in' the tree sounds like a cat stuck in a tree. I guess with L4 you could say 'taking' and 'heading'.

trade these peeling streets for a winding red carpet,
trade this morning haze for a glorious sunset.
take those dressed up eyes and dressed up lips
and swaggering hips and be someone you’ve never met.

L1 was a great image. L2 was average, hard to be new with that content. 'dressed' twice felt a bit weak, surely there's another word to use. L4 is great.

this doorframe isn’t cheap wood, but i can feel a draft coming in
from a sad storm in a sad sky where the light is growing thin.
through this crooked house in this pale, dead street,
Awesome few lines, really great imagery.
through an off-white picket fence, and a mailbox with painted skin.
into a room where broken china litters the floor,
Didn't care for 'litters' it's such an obvious word.
in the shape of a sad face on the beach near the shore
what? wait, where is the china? This lost me. Too many places in this part.
of an ocean-masked graveyard all battered and worn
battered didn't really fit the imagery for me, worn, yeah...
with the name of a girl who could never have been more.

That stanza felt very jumbled, like you knew what you wanted to say, had all these ideas and it resulted in you trying to fit them all in at once. Be more precise is all I can say.

but i’d trade these peeling streets for a minute of her time,
trade this empty house for an aching, endless line.
take this choked up tongue and choked up words
and the things i’ve heard about someone i shouldn’t have met.

Great little stanza

this cheap rug isn’t dead cat but something’s still screaming murder.
and this old room isn’t haunted but i still see her face in this mirror
smiling softly through a cracked lens, talking double-edged whispers
in a white dress with her pale skin and her soft, perfect fingers.

I lol'ed at L1. Great little line. The mirror in L2 was so obvious, perhaps relate back to the glass in S1? Just to make the piece work for you more. L3 is a bit meh too, at least the 1st half anyway. L4 is ok. Bit of a weak stanza so close to the ending, I kinda get the feeling you exhausted your ideas and had to really work at this one to get it out and set yourself up in a position to end it perfectly.

i’m just dragging around ghosts.

As it happens a good ending, lol.

Overall I mean you have some great ideas in here, occasionally smited by cliche undertones and obvious images, fix them up and you're well on your way to a stronger piece.


If you have time my piece is linked to the '?' in my sig.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
Quote by Snowblind 911

autumn orchid story

this window isn’t stained glass, but i can’t see through it too clearly.
there’s a bird, oh, such a pretty bird, about to spread her wings and leave here.
leave this crooked branch in this pale dead tree,
take her polaroid frames and head off to a world where the skyline can’t be seen.
very awkward, this whole stanza. I think you get too descriptive, even just cutting out one word can make lines sound so much better. You need to look over this. Over all it came across as waffly, but a good theme, just cut down on it a bit.

trade these peeling streets for a winding red carpet,
trade this morning haze for a glorious sunset.
take those dressed up eyes and dressed up lips
and swaggering hips and be someone you’ve never met.
The last two lines of this stanza don't seem to flow with the first two or each other. IIt kind of comes acros as changing subject when really you're not, the last lines come across as quite abrupt and to the point. Follow the trend of this stanza.

this doorframe isn’t cheap wood, but i can feel a draft coming in
from a sad storm in a sad sky where the light is growing thin.
through this crooked house in this pale, dead street,
through an off-white picket fence, and a mailbox with painted skin.
I don't really like the repeat of "sad" in the second line. and in the last two lines you get overly descriptive again. I'm not really sure about the repeat of "through" either but it's not that big a deal.

into a room where broken china litters the floor,
in the shape of a sad face on the beach near the shore
of an ocean-masked graveyard all battered and worn
with the name of a girl who could never have been more.
Loved this stanza. Almost peerfectly described and in the right proportions. My only problem here is in the last line, re-order your words here mainly from the "who"

but i’d trade these peeling streets for a minute of her time,
trade this empty house for an aching, endless line.
take this choked up tongue and choked up words
and the things i’ve heard about someone i shouldn’t have met.
I think the third line messes up the flow a bit. Otherwise good, not as good as the previous stanza but still, good.

this cheap rug isn’t dead cat but something’s still screaming murder.
and this old room isn’t haunted but i still see her face in this mirror
smiling softly through a cracked lens, talking double-edged whispers
in a white dress with her pale skin and her soft, perfect fingers.
First line doesn't really make sense. Again watch your descriptions. Good theme though.


i’m just dragging around ghosts.


A very nice piece. My advice is mainly to watch your descriptions. You can still create good imagery without extensive descriptions, otherwise it makes it hard to read. You had some really great bits where everything including the flow was perfect.

Great job

Sorry it took so long to return the crit, I've been really busy and haven't really been on UG much. The crit was really helpfull, I hope this one was too, tell me if it isn't, I'll find some way to punish myself

Thanks alot.
#5
haha. no, no, it was helpful. i think it's one of those pieces you need to hear with music to really sorta get what i'm trying to achieve.

the long descriptions are really the only way i can fit to music [although i wrote the lyrics first]


this cheap rug isn’t dead cat but something’s still screaming murder.

that line... you know... persian rugs? i'm aware that they aren't actually made out of cats, but there is such a thing as a persian cat, as i'm sure you know. and some rugs are made out of animals, generally exotic ones like tigers etc. so what i was saying was pretty much 'this cheap rug isn't dead animal but something's still screaming murder.'

it has more than one meaning i guess; the cheap rug possibly could be extremely unfashionable, hence 'fashion murder', or, more along the lines of what i was aiming for, was that without mentioning the fact that it's not an animal rug some people would say that 'well, yeah, you killed an animal for that rug, murderer', but without that, something else obviously died, and hopefully it was implied in the next few lines that i'm sorta dead, on the inside.

lol *shakes head*. i suck at describing my thoughts and ideas so badly. it makes sense to me, everyone else can take what they want out of it.

but thanks y'all. i'll revise this over the weekend and work out the flow issues and description bugs.

oh, and to thw, the china bit is saying that the broken china is arranged in a way to represent the scene that follows it.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#7
Thanks for clarifying that for me Snowblind. Yeah I got what you meant about the rug, it's just the way you worded it. Music does have a big impact on the lyrics but I'm just looking at this from a lyrical view. But it is your piece, you can do whatever you want with it
#8
A song. Crit returned in the style it is recieved.

autumn orchid story

this window isn’t stained glass, but i can’t see through it too clearly.
there’s a bird, oh, such a pretty bird, about to spread her wings and leave here.
leave this crooked branch in this pale dead tree,
take her polaroid frames and head off to a world where the skyline can’t be seen.

I didn't much care for the first two lines... They didn't really do too much for me, especially the second one. Last two lines rolled off the tongue quite well and had some nice imagery.

trade these peeling streets for a winding red carpet,
trade this morning haze for a glorious sunset.
take those dressed up eyes and dressed up lips
and swaggering hips and be someone you’ve never met.

I wholeheartedly enjoyed this part, very good flow, and the wording was fantastic. Though the end to internal rhyme of lips and hips felt awkward... Maybe it was just a matter of syllables leading up to it with "swaggering"... But I guess it wasn't too awkward anyways, so it should be anything for serious consideration of revision

this doorframe isn’t cheap wood, but i can feel a draft coming in
from a sad storm in a sad sky where the light is growing thin.
through this crooked house in this pale, dead street,
through an off-white picket fence, and a mailbox with painted skin.
into a room where broken china litters the floor,
in the shape of a sad face on the beach near the shore
of an ocean-masked graveyard all battered and worn
with the name of a girl who could never have been more.

I can't say too much about this, as there isn't really anything I can pick out. I especially enjoyed the lines:

"of an ocean-masked graveyard all battered and worn
with the name of a girl who could never have been more."



but i’d trade these peeling streets for a minute of her time,
trade this empty house for an aching, endless line.
take this choked up tongue and choked up words
and the things i’ve heard about someone i shouldn’t have met.

I didn't really care for the second line here... Something about it just didn't sit right with me. Next lines picked it back up though, and it turned out be a pretty powerful part of the piece

this cheap rug isn’t dead cat but something’s still screaming murder.
and this old room isn’t haunted but i still see her face in this mirror
smiling softly through a cracked lens, talking double-edged whispers
in a white dress with her pale skin and her soft, perfect fingers.

Definitely my favourite part of this piece, the second last line cashed it in for me. Nothing I can say here but good work.

i’m just dragging around ghosts.

And a nice closing line here, I like the way it wrapped up

Overall, I'd give it a 9/10. I really liked this piece. You have some awkward moments in your writing, but you're quite a talented fellow. Keep up the good work and just try to make things run a bit more smoothly in some parts and you could get some masterpieces.

My newest piece is in my sig, with the friendly little star beside it