#1
These lyrics came to me from an ethereal being on a DMT trip, I had to write down what I could remember so these probably aren't the exact lyrics, but I *think* they're close.


Walk with me on the earth, where man dies and woman gives birth
Stars fall from the sky, followed by gazing eyes
1000 years in the blink of an eye, 1000 more until we die
When the last tree falls who’s to blame, ‘cuz at that point it’s a god damn shame
The greed of one species’ has doomed us all, for the good of mankind the world will fall.

War wages on - heaven’s ablaze, the earth counts down its final days
Wastelands of war and trenches of Hell, this is where the angel’s fell.
Lights float where you cannot go, to another world they shed their glow.
When the darkness descends mankind stands alone, the Devil sits smiling upon his throne.
Today we die, tomorrow anew, never again will waters be blue.

The days wittle down unto the end, of a broken world we could not mend
We turned a blind eye for all the years, we had no worries nor doubts or fears
And now the time has finally come, the earth has grown cold - the world gone numb.
Pieces of life chip away, the poisoned world begins to fade
Cities rise and cities fall, a toxic burden lays on us all.
#5
You've got a few good lines in here man, but there is no sense of progression or a natural timeline of events so everything feels static.

Walk with me on the earth, where man dies and woman gives birth
I'd say 'women' just to aid the flow a tiny bit more.
Stars fall from the sky, followed by gazing eyes
1000 years in the blink of an eye, 1000 more until we die
When the last tree falls who’s to blame,
‘cuz at that point it’s a god damn shame
I hated that part of the line, it doesn't really lead anywhere or add anything, it also seems too colloquial to be in this piece.
The greed of one species’ has doomed us all, for the good of mankind the world will fall.
I think if you split these lines up a little bit more, like in half, it would read a lot better, they just seem too long. This is an ok stanza, I mean nothing really happens, you just mention the world is is going to end in various different ways...

War wages on - heaven’s ablaze, the earth counts down its final days
Wastelands of war and trenches of Hell, this is where the angel’s fell.
angels' to be correct. This is very cliche, all of the words here I've read in other pieces of the same content just in different ways. I get nothing from the 2nd line, there's no imagery in it, be more precise and detailed; what war? Why angels? it's all too vague.
Lights float where you cannot go, to another world they shed their glow.
You need to stop forcing the rhyming, I mean it's all well and good but it doesn't have to rhyme, it really doesn't.
When the darkness descends mankind stands alone, the Devil sits smiling upon his throne.
Today we die, tomorrow anew, never again will waters be blue.
See the last line is pretty strong, but you know it loses so much because it is just another line in the piece, it doesn't progress at all. If you laid each stanza out as a count down 3/2/1 this could be far more effective, like the first day the plants die, then the cities, then the devil rises up and mankind falls....


The days wittle down unto the end, of a broken world we could not mend
Finally some semblance of progression.
We turned a blind eye for all the years, we had no worries nor doubts or fears
And now the time has finally come, the earth has grown cold - the world gone numb.
Pieces of life chip away, the poisoned world begins to fade
Cities rise and cities fall, a toxic burden lays on us all.
The toxic/poinsoned parts are just meh, really underwhelming for the end of the world. I mean was it war, the devil or err poison.

To me this sounds like you've tried really hard to be metal or epic but it just doesn't seem to pull together in the slightest, I could rearrange the lines in the first 2 stanzas and no one would tell the difference. What I recommend is that you go through this and pick out the lines that are really effective, erase all those that repeat something you've already said and work in a timeline, then you'll be well on your way.


I have a piece up, the link is in the '?' in my sig, if you could get to it that'd be great.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Mar 1, 2008,
#7
DUDE!! sick song, dont change anything, unless u can somehow make it better, which is impossible but watever
good job dude
ROCK ON
#8
i agree somewhat with The Hurt Within. having it as a timeline sort of thing would be really cool. but i also think its pretty sick the way it is. you dont always have to tell a story when you write lyrics.