#1
Something different from me, purely a trial. Just wanna see what the reaction is....feast my pretties!

____________________

She was a Crater

She was a crater;
self centered, emotionless,
deep enough to make that impact, but
not enough to drown yourself in,
intoxicated;
to the aftershocks
to the point of collapse
to the hands in the air,
reaching through the rocks.

Words can't convey what it was like to
converse, manoeuver
between the cracks in her skin,
through the lips of the listless;
something on people
something she loved
something.on.Saviour
There was no escape, passing
through the bodies -
cut rip torn and tainted in
an awful shade of cerulean ochre,
weave, work-
king
her magic on the
of the castle;
conversation of the heart
lachrymose of the eyes
anecdote of the liver...

And to her earthen surprise, he replied,
"Not tonight love, you're fu
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#2
i enjoyed it.

But cerulean ochre? Seriously?
That doesnt exactly put a clear image of a color in my head.
#3
I liked it more than most of your poetry. Seems like something I can actually relate too. I took something out of this other than, "what the fuck did any of those words mean... and why do I have a headache now?" which is what I usually come out of your poetry with. I always appreciate your talent, but this time I also appreciated the piece it self. I may be back with more later. We shall see.
#4
Hey

Thanks for the crit on mine. Means a lot, I'll definitely revise the piece now.

I'll get to this tonight. I'm not in the right frame of mind to critique this properly just yet. I liked it though.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#5
She was a Crater

She was a crater;
self centered, emotionless,
deep enough to make that impact, but
I was intrigued by the title and my mind was already ahead of the game.
The read got a bit derailed at this point.
I had already been thinking of impact.
The type that occurs when a meteorite hits the earth.
Using impact in the sense of one falling into the crater
twisted the thinking around.
Not unpleasant. But it took any momentum away.

not enough to drown yourself in,
intoxicated;
to the aftershocks
to the point of collapse
to the hands in the air,
reaching through the rocks.
The formatting has the same sort of feel
that Joris strives for in some of his work.
But I liked the way this looked on the page better
than a code box.
Breaking the thoughts into 3 segments of digression
and doing that 3 times in the piece was a nice touch.
I'm a fan of 3. :]


Words can't convey what it was like to
converse, manoeuver
between the cracks in her skin,
through the lips of the listless;
something on people
something she loved
something.on.Saviour
There was no escape, passing
through the bodies -
cut rip torn and tainted in
an awful shade of cerulean ochre,
weave, work-
king
her magic on the
of the castle;
I really couldn't understand what you were going for here.
Breaking up working to work- king was nice.
But what was the intent by leaving a word off of the end of the magic line?
Was it to imply that king would be filled in by our minds as we read it
because of the apperance of the word on the previous line?

conversation of the heart
lachrymose of the eyes
anecdote of the liver...

And to her earthen surprise, he replied,
"Not tonight love, you're fu
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
I love the ending. I think the change in tone works pefectly.

I pretty much agree with Zanas. This is one of only a couple of pieces by you (the other being 2047) that I've come out with something other than confusion. Although I'd be lying if I said I understood everything, I think the idea's were a little clearer than usual and it was possible for someone who didn't understand your insane vocabulary (cerulean ochre - it almost seems like you're half taking the piss ) to take something from this, which is obviously a great thing.

Sometimes I get the impression that you aren't too sure exactly who you're writing for. I mean, it could be you, in in which case everything is entirely justified because only you know your own tastes, but it seems as if you want to impress .. I don't know, both academics with rare vocabulary as well as the writers of this board with the now-popular coded style of those bullet points and then the average guy with the tone change at the end. It seems kind of confused in direction, but I can't decide whether I like that or dislike that. I'd certainly like it if I was a little smarter, I guess.

I did enjoy reading it though, and that's all that counts I suppose.

I know that was a lousy crit, but if you have some spare time please take a look at this.

#7
Thanks guys. It's nice to see it is being received reasonably well. SYK, lol, thank you man, I know this piece kinda ambles along and feeds info at its own pace, but it is all intentional. The magic part and the missing word is reflecting her inability to make a cohesive statement, while also reflecting she has no king to call her own, she is a slave to her 'work' if that all makes sense, so on this one night out she really lets go.

Skag, my writing is hard to get a grip of, I don't have a style nor do I play into the notion of having one, I do write solely for myself, for the simple reason that I believe myself to still be learning, so every piece I write is a practice piece. Occasionally I'll post a piece that is what I would call my best piece according to that style, but I'd never say.

As for my vocab, I have no excuse. I hate arrogance so it isn't to impress, it's because I can. Much like the mountain analogy; because it is there.

I'll get to everyones. A crit = a crit in return.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
Interesting seeing an almost outline, essay-ish type of format for this type of topic, but I guess I can look past it. I was certainly not wowed by this, possibly cause this topic choice was written probably a little to concisely, cause I was left wanting a lot more, like some of their background, why they are reacting this way, and so on.

overall though, your new style is creeping closer to something that i am curious about, and am looking foward to the pieces to come.

kind of new one:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=797478
#9
I like the creativity and I think it would be great kind of free formed over some ambient pop/rock style music (it's kinda hard for me to describe the sound in my head) maybe like a Pavement or Modest Mouse sound, where the lyrics don't follow very strict structure.
#10
Sooo sorry it took me this long to return. I feel terrible.

She was a Crater

She was a crater;
self centered, emotionless,
deep enough to make that impact, but
not enough to drown yourself in,
intoxicated;
I'm trying to get my mind around this. I've read the other comments and I have an idea as to what you're talking about, but I'm still pretty sure I'm looking at it the wrong way, or, rather, I'm not really understanding the point at all. Nice language though, the 'but' on the third line would've flowed better on the fourth line Imo, but that's just personal opinion. No qualms here really.

* to the aftershocks
* to the point of collapse
* to the hands in the air,
reaching through the rocks.

Love these bits. I like the originality in the way it's set out too. The rhyme between 'shocks' and 'rocks' is really nice.


Words can't convey what it was like to
converse, manoeuver
between the cracks in her skin,
through the lips of the listless;

I found the line breaks offputting. Really good language here, the last two lines especially were a pleasure to read.

* something on people
* something she loved
* something.on.Saviour

I don't really get why there are periods in the third * thing. But meh, no complaints.

There was no escape, passing
through the bodies -
cut rip torn and tainted in
an awful shade of cerulean ochre,
weave, work-
king
her magic on the
of the castle;

I sorta agree with another poster who said that 'cerulean ochre' was a hard colour to picture, in fact, it's impossible for me... I really have no idea what colour it is. With the word missing in the 'her magic on the' line, without reading your explanation, I would've sat there [and I did, until I scrolled up] confused for several minutes trying to figure out whether it made sense. Maybe signify the missing word somehow... with a hyphen or something. *shrugs*

* conversation of the heart
* lachrymose of the eyes
* anecdote of the liver...


And to her earthen surprise, he replied,
"Not tonight love, you're ****ing wasted."


Brilliant ending. This piece was almost flawless... I just wish I could've understood it better. By your standards this is an extremely accessible piece, but personally I was lost on meaning. Thanks so much for the crit on mine, and once again sorry for taking forever. I know I didn't offer jack really, but it was hard to find anything wrong here.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#12
Yo, Steve, you might wanna check this shit out. Pretty ridiculous.
PMing you instead to keep the n00bs the fuck away, lol.
ρ
Last edited by scousertommy at Apr 14, 2008,
#13
Nice call on that^

I've dealt with him in my own special way. (Carmel found him on UG )

Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.