#1

Sometimes wonder if it's wrong
to want to hit all the people I see
again and again
until my hands are red and my arms aching
until there is blood under my fingernails
and the skin on my knuckles splits
tries to turn me inside out
and you can see my bones
I don't wanna stop
until those bones are cracking
and the splinters are touching
breaking off and falling away.
My hands are a mess now
hurt
barely recognisable as a part of me
like everything else.
Guess it's just a fear that
I'll be a man one day
and some kid will want to break himself on me
out of bitterness or spite
or boredom or the bottle
or maybe just because he
sees himself in my eyes.
Perhaps he'll have half a mind
to grow old and to die
with all the best lines
not even dreamt of yet -
the irony being
that not even he would know.




love is a dog from hell.



Last edited by we have sound at Mar 1, 2008,
#4


I loved how you expressed what seems to be anger in the first part, by using no punctuation till 'away'. I thought it was really strong and it gave that part a bit of a rushed feel while reading, great.
I say this every time but your writing is always so real. It's almost as if the non-poeticness makes it much more poetic than you would ever be able to achieve with all kinds of poetic devices. If that makes sense. I think exactly that is why I love your writing.

I still have book of wisdom floating somewhere.
#5
"and some kid will want to break himself on me
out of bitterness or spite
or boredom or the bottle
or maybe just because he
sees himself in my eyes."

I hate that all I seem to do is praise you, but that was beautiful beyond words.

I actually felt physically shakey after reading this. You are fucking talented.

Maybe give a comment on mine, it rhymes (which you hate), but it's a song and it has drink involved, perhaps that will make up for it?

#6
Bugger I wrote a whole paragraph about how much I loved this piece above all your others; in short usually you write about a situation in a way only you understand, this however was the opposite, I perfectly related and loved it all, catch me on MSN sometime.

until my hands are red and my arms acheing
aching

and the skin on my knuckles splits
tried to turn me inside out
I didn't like the leap here, you let the reader flow through the first part which was fine, but here the jump was too much, I had to stop and read back, which for me is never a good thing. Perhaps a period there.


and the splinters are touching
wasn't a fan of this line, kinda oxymoronic in a way, but a bad way for me, I think maybe look for an alternative to 'touching'? especially since it contradicts the next line.

My hands are a mess now
didn't like how obvious this was, 'a mess now' is mainly the problem

The rest was just perfect.

As I said I really liked this piece, just great. If you get time click the '?' in my sig, it's my latest.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7

Glad you liked guys. SP noted Steve, not sure I agree with all your points and I never revise anything once it's on paper, but thank you.




love is a dog from hell.