#1
With a college full of social thinkers,
Snow filled streets of heavy drinkers,
midnight eyes and midnight fingers
that taste like smoke.

You turn to me and then you say:
"There's nothing coming in my way,
can we be poor just for today?
'cos man, I need to belong"

I turn to you and
through gritted teeth i say:
"I guess we've lost it all again:"

And with that a homeless man approaches fast, says
"Where's the time and where's the grass?"
I point to my toes, say "time has passed", he says
"I guess you think that logic lasts", I said
"I'm a man of a certain class
of homes and thrones and midnight mass
n' when the water's clean and the sand is glass
You can think of us".

He smiled and said "Thanks for the help"
gave me ten and
walked with the grass I'd dealt
Y'know, Seatbelts breach when never felt
just like drugs.

You turn to me and
through gritted teeth you say:
"I guess we've lost it all again:"

Some kids approach on a school class-trip,
and pass some alcoholic drinks,
and the street-lights dim as I take a sip
intoxicating a trembling lip
I turn to them, say "hey, what's hip?"
"well, we're into kinky sex and chains and whips",
they unzip their shirts and start to strip,
when I grab their arms and stop them.

I face their teacher, shout "That's illegal"
To which she weeps and, looking feeble,
shouts "I'm no equal, I'm a seagull"
And flies into the night.

I turn to you and
through gritted teeth i say:
"I guess we've lost it all again"

The town's too cold to see the sights
so we book a bed and climb the flights
to a room that sits at massive heights
where the city lies behind the glass.

The sheets are dirty, the window's small
but I sit there all night and watch the short and tall
in fights and falls and desperate crawls
before I turn to you and say
"We're a League apart in an urban sprawl
of freezing streets and crumbling walls
where those who never made it laugh
at those who lost it all."

you turn to me, and
through gritted teeth you say:
"I guess they'll laugh at us someday".

yes, it's a song.
Last edited by skagitup at Mar 2, 2008,
#3
Quote by KILLAGORILLA700
interesting


^ What a fucking waste of space.

Skag, never use the word seagull to rhyme with equal again. But keep doing everything else, except perhaps writing lyrics, and rhyming.

"and convey to" is unecessary. Too many "-ay" rhymes to begin with. First stanza is good. Second poor. Everything else, for writing of this type, is absolutely epic. Plug yourself in to something and sing me a song.




love is a dog from hell.



#4
Quote by we have sound

Skag, never use the word seagull to rhyme with equal again.




Cheers for the comments. I agree with the -ay and the convey thing absolutely, was thinking it myself but thought maybe readers wouldn't notice.
#5
With a college full of social thinkers,
Snow filled streets of heavy drinkers,
midnight eyes and midnight fingers
that taste like smoke.

This is great i love the manipulation of you explaining an visionery aspect into taste; unique.

You turn to me and then you say:
"There's nothing coming in my way,
can we be poor just for today?
'cos I need to belong"

This was bad. It was very bland to stand out on its own but maybe you've your reasons.

I turn to you and
through gritted teeth i say:
"I guess we've lost it all again:"

And with that a homeless man approaches fast, says
"Where's the time and where's the grass?"
I point to my toes, say "time has passed", he says
"I guess you think that logic lasts", I said
"I'm a man of a certain class
of homes and thrones and midnight mass
n' when the water's clean and the sand is glass
You can think of us".

very Dylan-esque, which isn't a bad thing. This is great in structure.

He smiled and said "Thanks for the help"
gave me ten and
walked with the grass I'd dealt
Y'know, Seatbelts breach when never felt
just like drugs.

Nice
.

You turn to me and
through gritted teeth you say:
"I guess we've lost it all again:"

Some kids approach on a school class-trip,
and pass some alcoholic drinks,
and the street-lights dim as I take a sip
intoxicating a trembling lip
I turn to them, say "hey, what's hip?"
"well, we're into kinky sex and chains and whips",
they unzip their shirts and start to strip,
when I grab their arms and stop them.

I like the wording but i didn't like what seems to be a gimmick aroud here in UG: alcholism. I guess i've read so much of them that this did't give me as much impact as it could've. "intoxicating a trembling lip" This line doesn't seem right in phrase.

I face their teacher, shout "That's illegal"
To which she weeps and, looking feeble,
shouts "I'm no equal, I'm a seagull"
And flies into the night.

This was humorous but unable to be utterly understood.


I turn to you and
through gritted teeth i say:
"I guess we've lost it all again"

The town's too cold to see the sights
so we book a bed and climb the flights
to a room that sits at massive heights
where the city lies behind the glass.

The last line was exellent but everthing else in this stanza was mediocre to say the least. Lose the AAAA rhyming.
The sheets are dirty, the window's small
but I sit there all night and watch the short and tall
in fights and falls and desperate crawls
before I turn to you and say
"We're a League apart in an urban sprawl
of freezing streets and crumbling walls
where those who never made it laugh
at those who lost it all."


you turn to me, and
through gritted teeth you say:
"I guess they'll laugh at us someday".

This is a good ending stanza, the last four stanzas seem good enough to stand out on its own.


Any questions reply back

'Cause you know this Mannnnnnnnn!
#7
Man you've got such good flow, timing, rhythm and rhyme (well, almost. There are one or two cringe worthy ones, but you know that).

I wanna here this recorded.
#8
^^^ Regarding your claim that alcoholism is just a "gimmick". I dispute that entirely, it's a very real and very constant part of life for alot of people, especially for (it seems) those on these boards. I wouldn't say that anyone here references drinking to any kind of excessive or unrealistic amount. I'm not going to omit parts of my work, or choose not to write about a certain topic just because the writers on this board are bored of it.

Other than that, a highly valuable crit, thankyou.

To dbd24 and Jamie, thanks (although i don't think any rhymes here are "cringe-worthy", especially in their true state - as lyrics, perhaps you think that the seagull rhyme is but it's pretty tongue-in-cheek).

#9
Well I knew it was tongue in cheek, but I just felt it was too random to fit.

Though I'm sure you make it sound great man.
#11
Quote by #1 synth
interesting.




why did you rhyme here? what was the effect you wished to achieve?


A song that doesn't sound ridiculous?

#12
Haha.

Dylan you haven't changed in the two years I've known you.

Seriously, you are going to record this yeah?
#13
Quote by Jammydude44
Haha.

Dylan you haven't changed in the two years I've known you.

Seriously, you are going to record this yeah?


Well, I have about 40 or so songs waiting to be recorded that I never get 'round to.

If you're actually that intent on hearing it and aren't just being nice, I'll put up an acoustic version on satuday.

BTW: do you remember when you sent me those lyrics a great time ago (last summer?) for me to put music to, I just remembered the other day the music that I'd done for those. It's pretty good. Maybe you still want it?
#14
IT was just the flow and everything with these that made me really want to hear it.

Oh and, don't worry about those, you most likely have some better lyrics to put to them, that is unless you wanna put it all together.