#1
Part 2
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There goes another French communist
walking on the grounds of our home.
And with a stale smile he greets;
"They own what is yours. Men,
who steal for the poor,
are grindan on a stone, crying
'When will I eat again?'"
The man wore a velvet vest, synthetic sweater
and a tourniquet tie. Father wasn't impressed
and neither was I.


On the streets of Marseille, Mother would stroll to work and Uncle Sam
to church. I was finger-painting the trees in fog with these words written on the bottom: 'And you'll never find this Imperial Eagle again.' My father doesn't have a job, instead he just sat, drinking until mother came home; Sophie, my younger sister, would knit 'til then. Father drunk, Mother weary, Uncle Sam preaching with a tone of disgust, Sister platting her hair-I decide to gather wood for tomorrow.


On the streets of Marseille, Father would put on a suit and together we
strolled to church: In this modern age those who follow those who've lost their eldest son,
follow the semites among us.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Mar 2, 2008,
#2
blackdotted. I'm critting it as we speak, I'll edit it in within the next 5 minutes.

Perhaps take a look at mine (floating around page 2 I think) meanwhile?
#3
Quote by Bleed Away


I had a quick read over Part 1 and loved it. I'll definitely be keeping up to date with the series.

walking on the grounds of our home.
And with a stale smile he greets;
"They own what is yours. Men,
who steal for the poor,
are grindan on a stone, crying
'When will I eat again?'"
The man wore a velvet vest, synthetic sweater
and a tourniquet tie. Father wasn't impressed
and neither was I.

I think you could of used the line-breaks to much better effect here. First of all, with the "Men, who steal". Why didn't you start Men on the next line? It reads awkwardly opening a sentence at the end of a line with one word and I can't really see any sense in it whatsoever. I was also going to mention the "Father wasn't impresed", for the same reason, but I would imagine that you justified it that time with the reasoning that the rhyme would be more obvious. That's fine. "Tourniquet tie" is great. Oh yeah, "grindan on a stone" - grindan? It's quite an ugly word. Kind of sticks out, although that's probably personal. This flowed terrifically and your writing appears to just be getting better and better.


On the streets of Marseille, Mother would stroll to work and Uncle Sam
to church. I was finger-painting the trees in fog with these words written on the bottom: 'And you'll never find this Imperial Eagle again.' My father doesn't have a job, instead he just sat, drinking until mother came home; Sophie, my younger sister, would knit 'til then. Father drunk, Mother weary, Uncle Sam preaching with a tone of disgust, Sister platting her hair-I decide to gather wood for tomorrow.


I wouldn't of cut the "would stroll" away from Uncle Sam. "Finger-painting the trees in fog" great. "I decide to gather wood for tomorrow" didn't work for me the way you did it. I think it would work so much better if you end the sentence on "hair". Perhaps even break a line or two as well.

As far as the writing's concerned, this is marvelous. Utterly involving.



On the streets of Marseille, Father would put on a suit and together we
strolled to church: In this modern age those who follow those who've lost their eldest son,
follow the semites among us.

I'm not sure about the last sentence. I was expecting a stronger finish than that. The flow was a little off.

Anyway, I enjoyed this to such an extent that I will be looking out for your next installment in the series with some level of excitement.



Great work, man.

EDIT: damn, I thought I had the edit box open when I posted this, not the New Post. Apologies for the double.
#5
Very impressive range of imagery and vocabulary,
and you do well to paint a lyrical picture.
But i couldn't help but think when reading that you were somehow trying too hard, to force in metaphors somehow,
I cant quite put my finger on it but it was just niggling in my mind when reading.

Other than that i would have to say this is an outstanding peice of writing.
Nice one!
#7
Quote by Bleed Away
Part 2
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There goes another French communist
walking on the grounds of our home.
And with a stale smile he greets;
"They own what is yours. Men,
who steal for the poor,
are grindan on a stone, crying
'When will I eat again?'"
The man wore a velvet vest, synthetic sweater
and a tourniquet tie. Father wasn't impressed
and neither was I.


On the streets of Marseille, Mother would stroll to work and Uncle Sam
to church. I was finger-painting the trees in fog with these words written on the bottom: 'And you'll never find this Imperial Eagle again.' My father doesn't have a job, instead he just sat, drinking until mother came home; Sophie, my younger sister, would knit 'til then. Father drunk, Mother weary, Uncle Sam preaching with a tone of disgust, Sister platting her hair-I decide to gather wood for tomorrow.


On the streets of Marseille, Father would put on a suit and together we
strolled to church: In this modern age those who follow those who've lost their eldest son,
follow the semites among us.


I have to say im no expert in this style. but i for some reason i dont understand i like it, it seems well written, well thought and well executed. shows quite alot of intelligence within the writer and originality too...
Light touch my hand, in a dream of Golden Skans, from now on.
You can forget our future plans.