#1
I just wrote this in the last half hour. I've done little editing. Crit for crit as always.

Misread the lines one more time;
The subtle twitch, a minute lean.
I can’t bear to make these mistakes,
But all the clues remain unseen.

People-watch for years on end,
And still I find no hints or facts.
A new misstep with every word,
Yet more proof of foolish acts.

The nuances ever evade me
But the consequences never do;
A doubting look, a judging slant.
I’ve seen enough, they’re never new.

My mouth can hold the gall to lie
But my eyes can’t help but scream the truth
It bruises me to catch that gaze,
I’d rather let you stare on through.

No need to push, I’ll walk away
And leave you to your wiser games.
How could I hope to play the part
Of someone with a beating heart?
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Mar 2, 2008,
#2
that is AMAZING.
that's about the best thing i've read on here.
good job.
keep up the good work.
#3
Its pretty good, it has a good flow straight through, with a moderate pace. All I would suggest would be to work on the rimes a bit more, to make them less basic and give the song a more developed sound.
We're only strays.
#4
I really like the last 2 stanza's they flow nicely and are full of imagery.
I would help to establish that kind of strength throughout the entire piece.

I'm a firm believer in revisiting pieces. as you said you just spit it out quickly it's good to see such a complete piece in such little time. That doesn't happen to me very often. I usually start off with one line or just a verse or chorus then have to keep coming back and rewriting.

I would recommend as Martyr's Prayer did to go back and work out some rhymes and flow of the overall piece
#5
First of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. Secondly, I have to say I loved the flow. However, I agree with Martyr's prayer that the rhymes could seem a little too basic. Perhaps, you could change the rhyming structure or just chnage some words. For example the second line of the first stanza you could replace "lean" with gone. I'm not saying that all of the stanzas rhyme structure should be changed, but maybe you could change it on a couple. On a positive note, I thought the fourth stanza was great, especially the "Let you stare on through" line. Anyways, nice job, man.