#1
dunno much about writing lyrics to a professional standard.
but i like this, and thats what matters.
hopefully you will too.
tell me what you think.
tis written for a girl who asked me to write her a song. no we are not going out. but i do like her.


i am yet to put it to music, but as it is quite repeditive in form it will probs remain a poem...


"the pain of love"

i would staple my eyelids open,
to prevent myself from sleep,
and i would leave my window open,
i would wait for you all week.

i would cage my thoughts together,
and hide them somewhere new,
so nothing would get in the way,
would sway my thoughts from you.

a i would tear hair from my scalp,
and tie you to my ear,
then tape my ears together, so i,
could hear you twice as clear.

i'd take hostage my own shadow,
to stitch onto your own.
we'll then be joined together,
and youll never be alone.

i'll rip off my own arm.
and i will place it where you stand.
so no matter where you are,
i can lend a helping hand.

i would pull out all my teeth,
and then connect them to some twine,
you can hang it round your neck,
and youll remain forever mine.

i would collect all of my jelously,
to serve in a restrant,
it was all caused by you,
you can have as much as you want.

i would take all of your faults,
and throw them at the sun.
and it wouldnt be a problem,
as they are so close to none.

i would take your photo nicely,
so i could keep you when im old.
and to match a smile pricelss,
i would make a frame of gold.

i will take a rope and bell,
and attatch it to your frown.
and when it rings, i will come,
and help you when your down.

ill buy a diary, then i will write,
your name on every page,
so i'll always have time for you,
untill i die of age.

i will put you in a needle,
to inject into my vien.
then ill take it twice a day,
so you'll always flow through my brain

"theresa" it will read,
everywhere i will tatoo,
so when people see my back,
they will know that im with you.

i will run a hundred k's.
and i'll always be well fed,
so that i will remain,
always two steps ahead
--------------------------------
i felt great the day i met you,
and have been happy ever since,
i dont think theres a trace of doubt,
that i am not your prince.
Last edited by HethaHORRIFIC at Mar 11, 2008,
#2
I like the piece man, but to me it seems like it would work better if left just as a poem, because I think it is a little too long to be put with music, or I wouldn't want to put it to music, if you do then there is no problem with that.

As for the subject of the piece, despite being overdone alot of the time this piece doesn't make use of alot of the cliche's that many other writers in the genre fall into. There is some really nice use of imagery in here, and the simple rhyme scheme stays fluent throughout the song and acts as a sort of backbone to the piece.

All in all nice job, keep at the writing and you'll keep on improving. I'd really appreciate if you could take a look at my latest piece and leave me a little feedback as to what you think of it: Take a Picture

Thanks pal!
#3
it's long which is good. Now, you need to start hacking lines. Conciseness is the key to good writing. You have a lot of repeated imagery. You don't need it all. Take your favorites, or even better try to combine similar ideas into one verse/line. take all that good stuff and condense it into maybe 5 stanzas and you'll have some truly inspired lyrics.

but, opinions are like as*holes.
Gear:
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My Imagination
#4
thanks heaps.
i always planned to cut it down a bit.

any tips on which lines to keep, and which ones should be given the kick.

thanks
#5
I like this a lot. My favorite part, but I can't say why:
i would tear hair from my scalp,
and tie you to my ear,
then tape my ears together, so i,
could hear you twice as clear.

Some suggestions:

i would take your photo nicely,
so i could keep you when im old.
and to match a smile pricelss,
i would make a frame of gold.

Smiles, priceless, gold all seem a little boring to me. They're nice, but a little cliche. Maybe she has a specific feature that truly stunning?
i would take all of your faults,
and throw them at the sun.
and it wouldnt be a problem,
as they are so close to none.

It sounds like you're just forcing a rhyme here. If you want to say that she has no faults, you can say that in a different way.
i will run a hundred k's.
and i'll always be well fed,
so that i will remain,
always two steps ahead

Again, it seems like you are rhyming for the sake of rhyming. Also, I don't see what the relevance of staying two steps ahead is. I don't see much to salvage from this stanza; I think you can do without it.
The Setup:
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Vox AD50VT
#6
Quote by DarkDragon786
I like this a lot. My favorite part, but I can't say why:

Some suggestions:

Smiles, priceless, gold all seem a little boring to me. They're nice, but a little cliche. Maybe she has a specific feature that truly stunning?

'yeh she does, it is her smile. i might try putting it differently tho. a smile i a lil clishe"

It sounds like you're just forcing a rhyme here. If you want to say that she has no faults, you can say that in a different way.

"forcing a rhyme. this is my first peice up, could you explain that."

Again, it seems like you are rhyming for the sake of rhyming. Also, I don't see what the relevance of staying two steps ahead is. I don't see much to salvage from this stanza; I think you can do without it.

"thanks, i agree. this is one line i could do without. i will take it out in the final copy


thanks heaps. did you have a piece you wanted me to crit back?
#7
I haven't posted any of my pieces here yet. I hope I'll get around to it soon, and I don't know when that might be, but if you ever see any of my posts here, I would definitely like to hear what you have to say about it.

When I say you're forcing a rhyme I'm trying to say that it looks like you are using some word(s) just because they are convenient to rhyme with something else. In this case, it's "sun."

Why would you throw her faults at the sun? What do you really want to say here? Do you want to destroy her faults? Does she have so few faults that they are easy to overlook? Does she have what others might consider to be faults, but you think those faults are the best things about her and not really faults at all? I think this might be a hard one, but I think it's an important part of what you want to say about this person. I can see this being one of the most powerful stanzas in the poem once you have a good way of putting it on paper.
The Setup:
Fender Standard Stratocaster
Crate GFX-30
Vox AD50VT
#8
Quote by DarkDragon786
I haven't posted any of my pieces here yet. I hope I'll get around to it soon, and I don't know when that might be, but if you ever see any of my posts here, I would definitely like to hear what you have to say about it.

When I say you're forcing a rhyme I'm trying to say that it looks like you are using some word(s) just because they are convenient to rhyme with something else. In this case, it's "sun."

Why would you throw her faults at the sun? What do you really want to say here? Do you want to destroy her faults? Does she have so few faults that they are easy to overlook? Does she have what others might consider to be faults, but you think those faults are the best things about her and not really faults at all? I think this might be a hard one, but I think it's an important part of what you want to say about this person. I can see this being one of the most powerful stanzas in the poem once you have a good way of putting it on paper.


oh, i see what your saying. and it is completely true
ill have something i want to say, and so, i will rhyme something with it just cause it rhymes.

i sorta thought the sun thing was okay, cause it is taking things to the extreme, like most of the stanzas here. but i agree with what your saying. and it is so weird how you guessed the situation perfectly about her faults being the best things about her, and making her unique.
i like this stanzas theme, so im going to try to replace it, with something about her faults being a good thing.
#9
If you like the idea of the sun, you can stick with that and still use it in a different way. Try to think of what the sun means to Earth, people, life, animals, nature and compare it to her. Think about gravity, heat, fire, energy, growth, orbiting, burning gases, warmth, seasons, or anything else that comes to mind and use that. And yes, do something extreme!
The Setup:
Fender Standard Stratocaster
Crate GFX-30
Vox AD50VT
#10
omg, this song is epic!

i ef'n love how u say u'd literally give urself to her thats cool
Just because I play the drums doesn't mean I suck at guitar, or ams that I's iz stoopidz.


Space that ain't yours
#11
I quite like this piece, although it does seem repetitive at times - so it'd definitively agree with the others to cut it down slightly. There are a few sections where it does seem more strange than others, such as

i would pull out all my teeth,
and then connect them to some twine,
you can hang it round your neck,
and youll remain forever mine


but i guess it fits in with what you've gone for. Overall good stuff.

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