#1
hello. really really on the spot, i really just wrote this now in the 'post new thread' box cos i'm bored. i do still write a lot, just it's a long collection of short stories which intertwine and connect and, well, they're private lol. dunno what i think about this. i might delete it.

maybe. haven't been in here for ages, if you leave me a link i'll get back to you, honest!


(it's untitled really, but i hate putting that as a thread title)

it's a really long story,
she said,
it was about a year and a bit ago.
maybe as much as eighteen months,
i can hardly remember
(i guess time goes by so fast these days)
anyway,
like i said,
i was in japan at the time,
living, working, breathing.
one day, i just...
go on, i urged.
please tell me. i want to know.
she looked me in the eye.
she looked so pretty, with her hair fallen down by her face and
her eyes full of sadness,
i always think she looks beautiful
when she's sad.
she said in a whisper,
it's really true, isn't it?
i hope they printed my story in the paper.
it would be the proudest moment of my life.
did you read about it?
yeah,
i replied.
i just wanted you to tell me,
and hear your voice,
one last time.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#3
Quote by nightraven

i liked this first bit, i got a bit confused at the jumping between speakers though. it's all a block of writing all in one stanza and there's a very slight indication of where the speech comes from so i suggest splitting this up a bit i also like the 'human error' so to speak, the not knowing exactly what's going on, it makes it quite personal/not robotic. /crappy phrasing by me

this was really good, i like how it's really building up the interest of the reader slowly, you sustaining the story really hooked me

i think this description is beautiful. simple use of language but it's weaved in a way to build a gorgeous image.

i would've preferred these two lines the other way round but meh. each to their own

i really like the ending. loads of room for interpretation

where can i read your short stories/other stuff?

thanks very much for that! i can see what you mean about those 2 lines and being the other way round, i hadn't thought of that, but it really works the other way, i might change it so
you know at the start where you said, "got a bit confused at the jumping between speakers though" - i'm not sure i know what you mean, there's only one speaker?

thanks again

as for my other stuff... ha... maybe i'll post some. most is really long. well, mostly. some are short. some are both short and long. i like ambiguity. and some don't make sense, well they make sense to me. but i can imagine they don't to other people. and some are in german

Quote by phantom1
This feels like Alice. I loved it.

YAY <33
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#4
i like ambiguity. and some don't make sense, well they make sense to me. but i can imagine they don't to other people.

Ooh can so relate right now to that style.

like i said,
i was in japan at the time,

You hadn't previously mentioned that, so the "like I said" threw me off there.

It was just great to read your dainty little pieces again, Alice. There's not much to pick out, it was kind of hard to follow but like you said, your in an ambiguous stage. I love the tone and rhythm though, again (weirdly) reminding myself of a few pieces I wrote recently.

Anywho, want to trade very poor comment for another? Problem in my sig was a little ots I just wrote.

Good to see you around again, hope your well
#5
oh yeah, there are two people yeah... i thought you meant like in that beginning bit.

umm...



thanks jammydude (i forgot your name!!!!!!!!! been away way too long )

i'll crit yours in approx 30 mins... it's dinnertime BRBB
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"