#1
She tasted familiar;
Like a favourite dessert.
Hands were everywhere and when we kissed
My mouth was devoured.
There was a crowd closing in but she
Was not interested in making a fuss,
Just hushed them by frenching it up.

One morning, there I was,
Lying alongside my girlfriend of seventeen months
When her eyes opened, they smiled wide.
I wasn't sure what it was aimed at;
Maybe my scraggy hair or emerging stubble.
Before the explanation, before I noticed
that words were being spoken,
I planted my lips around hers.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Mar 2, 2008,
#2
She tasted familiar;
Like a favourite dessert.
Hands were everywhere and when we kissed
My mouth was devoured.
There was a crowd closing in but she
Was not interested in making a fuss,
Just hushed them by frenching it up.

this is really intense. i love how it starts, right up there and moving fast. i really like this except for 2 things: i think the 'was not interested' sounds reallllly awkward, would sound better IMO as 'wasn't'. more informal and flows better. the second is the 'frenching it up' obv i get what you're trying to say lol and what you mean, but that phrase is cringey. sorry, maybe it's just me, but it made me laugh

One morning, there I was,
Lying alongside my girlfriend of seventeen months
When her eyes opened, her smile instantly laughing.
I wasn't sure what it was aimed at,
Maybe my scraggy hair or emerging stubble.
Before the explanation, before I noticed
that words were being spoken,
I planted my lips around hers.

meh, this is okay, but nothing like the high intense explosion of the first stanza IMO. it seems a bit too loveydovey and 'awww how cute'. i dunno, maybe i'm turning bitter or something, it's too cutesy. i'm speshly not keen on the last line tbh, seems a little corny.

cute little piece, but nothing spectacular IMO, i know you can do better, i know you have done better. i'm sorry, i don't mean to sound harsh and critical, i'm jsut not really feeling this piece tbh. it's too tame and calm and 'aww'

sorry
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#3
"her smile instantly laughing."

wtf? I kind of get what you're trying to say but that could have been put alot less irritatingly. I had to read back over it to make sure.

Other than that, this is one of my favourite pieces from you in a long time. It seemed alot less forced. Perhaps it didn't have the poetic complexity or as strong lines as some of the others, but it connected with me alot more. It's a real cute piece.

Also "frenching it up" was perfect for the tone, just the right mix of tongue-in-cheek and kind of laid-back content.

If you get a chance, take a look at mine.

I think it's floating somewhere around page 2.
#4
Lol Alice, you picked up on the difference of the stanzas (fast/intense and "aww lovey dovey"), I thin kyou just wanted a solid ending when I liked leaving it out there, no ending but the vague and unnerving feelings, questions. The difference in tone was on purpose, as was the last line linking in with the earlier stanza. I get what you're saying, but I thought this was one of my better pieces in getting across my meaning (maybe it's just me though lol). I reckon you just wanted a stronger ending, would that be right?

And thanks!

Alex - totally right about that line. I had trouble finding good phrasing for the second stanza because I tried using different pronouns - first stanza all "she", second all "her" to get across different attitudes in each of them; the second being more about possesion/couples, the first more about flings and not belonging together. I will re-think that phrasing, thank you.

Also "frenching it up" was perfect for the tone, just the right mix of tongue-in-cheek and kind of laid-back content.
Ay, we both have that Brutishness about us, don't we?

I'll take a look when I can. Thanks man.