#1
the time that is gone
and the memories saved
the trees that have fallen
and withered away

I will remember
the song that we sang
when we all joined our hands
our last day on parade

now we sail away, over the ocean
sail away, to the stars in the sky
sail away, leave our hometown behind
as we sail away to start a new life

the friends we've come to know and love,
will drift apart at last
some pairs will stay together,
but the majority will pass

I never want to say goodbye,
to the people that I know
but I don't want to stay behind,
to not be in the show

now we sail away, over the ocean
sail away, to the stars in the sky
sail away, leave our hometown behind
as we sail away to start a new life

(instrumental bridge)

now we sail away, over the ocean
sail away, to the stars in the sky
sail away, leave our hometown behind
as we sail away to start a new life
________________________________________________________________-

this song is about graduating from high school (even though it's a few years away for me ) the only part that I'm not sure about is the last line of the chorus "as we sail away to start a new life" any suggestions for changes? and please crit if you get the chance. thanks

Edit: forgot to mention, it's an acoustic song.
the chord progression is Fmaj7 - C - G - D
Last edited by samick007 at Mar 2, 2008,
#2
sail away- good lyrics
Rock on or die

Guitarist 5 years, Had purpose in life 5 years

Quote by angusfan16
My name is NOT Anus Fan!
#3
thanks, any parts that you don't like? that need to be changed?

anybody else?
#4
great piece.

the only issue i had was the slighly cliche chorus.

Everything else was top notch.

9/10
#5
thanks a bunch like I said, the last line of the chorus is kinda just a filler right now, I'm gonna change it later when I think of something that fits
#6
mebbe u should say some thing like

I will remember
Should we ever meet again
I will remember
We'll have a great time then

just an idea, right before the last chorus or stick it in somewhere (lawlz)
#7
I really liked it...good lyrics... but as Smootherider said, the chorus was a little cliche... but i still thought thought it was a piece worth reading... i give a...

9.5/10


Crit mine

It's called "Green To Red"
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#8
oh yeah do u mind if i use it for my graduation when i get to high school (i know, i know, dumb question, but rly)
Put this in your sig if you're the 0.0001% that are open mind and dont give a ****!

Check out the player on my profile. You can have one too, just sign up for deezer (FREE!! ) and make your list, and post your embeddable player on YOUR file!
#9
chorus is great.
overall it is good...
this will do well if you take it seriously.

mind checking out 'into the sunshine'
link's in my sig
#10
Quote by samick007
the time that is gone
and the memories saved
the trees that have fallen
and withered away

This I can't find anything wrong with a solid stanza. No hidden cliches and it flows well into the next stanza.

I will remember
the song that we sang
when we all joined our hands
our last day on parade

The first two lines are good, the second two Are good but i don't think they flow amazingly. If it were me I would say we all joined our hands for our last parade
I'm not sure what the meaning is to that line so if I knew it I might tell you to keep it as is.

now we sail away, over the ocean
sail away, to the stars in the sky
sail away, leave our hometown behind
as we sail away to start a new life

I actually really like the chorus. I wasn't sure if I liked the repeating sail away but after reading it a few times I say it's great. It really captures the feelings of moving on. Good job on that.

the friends we've come to know and love,
will drift apart at last
some pairs will stay together,
but the majority will pass

I like the first two lines kind of cliche but its fitting. I think if you get rid of together that the lyrics will flow better, yet it won't take away the meaning.

I never want to say goodbye,
to the people that I know
but I don't want to stay behind,
to not be in the show

I think that the first too lines could flow better if you replaced never with a one syllable word thats not don't. I like the 2, 3, and forth lines. If you changed the first line i think it would read better.



now we sail away, over the ocean
sail away, to the stars in the sky
sail away, leave our hometown behind
as we sail away to start a new life

(instrumental bridge)

now we sail away, over the ocean
sail away, to the stars in the sky
sail away, leave our hometown behind
as we sail away to start a new life



overall great song. I kind of made a melody for it as I read. It has a great sense of imagery. I'm a writing noob so don't take everything I say that seriously. I think if you make a few changes some parts will be less awkward overall 9.4

oh if you get a chance you mind criting my song in my sig? it's pretty bad in my opinion and noobish but it's my first peice so what can you do?

great piece hold onto that for when you do hit graduation.
I smile because I have no idea whats goin on
#11
Quote by popeye100
I really liked it...good lyrics... but as Smootherider said, the chorus was a little cliche... but i still thought thought it was a piece worth reading... i give a...

9.5/10


Crit mine

It's called "Green To Red"

where do I look to find it? it's not in sig or profile (unless I'm just clueless and missed it )
Quote by Le_Meow117
oh yeah do u mind if i use it for my graduation when i get to high school (i know, i know, dumb question, but rly)

lol uh yea sure if you want to, just make sure you give me credit and don't try to steal it

thanks everybody, crits returned (fenderuser I'm working on yours right now) check out the new recording I just posted too, in my profile "learning how to die"
#12
whoops my bad....here's the link...

Green To Red
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!