this is about the hate and fighting and prejudice in our lives today

makes me sick


Verse 1

Take a look in the mirror
My friend you disappear
Ever see that as a problem
Stop creating hate and start solving them

Jumping to conclusions
Never seemed to halt confusion
As it stirs in our toxic air
Why do you even pretend to care?


Put down your fists
Let’s have an armistice
Violence has overtaken
Let’s let peace exist

We don’t need this
We don’t want this
So put down your fists
And let peace exist

Verse 2

As you walk on your way
Ever stop just to pay
Attention to the prejudice
It’s been to long I’m getting sick of this

Can you answer just this question?
Ever try and stop your aggression?
As you fear the difference in your town
What makes you think that you can wear the crown?


Lets stop the fight
And make things right
I still sense the light
It shines so bright
as long as its not rap im happy pretty good though
but now ive commented on yours you have to comment on mine not much bellow this one called the void
I won't bother with a full critique... breaking down every stanza individually. Instead, heres this, its meant to make a point and build you as a writer, don't take it as a personal attack:

This piece wasn't good. It was full of cheap rhymes and unoriginal sentiment. Everyone can write a piece that is political the way you just did it. "I don't like fights, na na na na, I think they really bite, na na na na." It's been done 100000000000 times by every lame and unlame punk band ever. You've said nothing new, you've said nothing original, you've said nothing that makes me as a reader/listener go, "hmm, never thought of that before." Instead I'm left thinking, "wow, that was like every other damn punk song." If you want to stick out, be creative, be original, write something new. As it is, this is wholly forgetable and generally not enjoyable.

Now the advice section:

If you are going to continue writing (and I highly suggest you do, you do have some talent), don't try to tackle politics for a while. It is very, very difficult to write anything political and intelligent at the same time... or political and creative at the same time. I can count on one hand how many people have succesfully done so and still managed to release a song with some meaning (and no, Green Day is not one of them). Start by writing songs about something thats meaningful to you, and not so mainstream as politics... get some practice under your belt. Once you've learned how to write in a much more effective manner and generally get better at using writing styles and techniques, then return to something political (if you still have that urge) and try again. You're guranteed to write something infinitely better than this.

Hope that all makes sense. And there was no harm intended.


Please return comments or critiques on Either Sunburnt Penguins or Siamese Christmas Trees in my sig.

thanks a lot, i was kinda thinkin the same thing about the whole mainstream thing but i just decided to go along with it

but the other points you gave me made sense too, i want to use music to express how I feel deep within and this wasn't exactly it.

However the song i wrote called Trail Of Memories is a song i wrote that comes from my mind so please check that one out and crit

it has a little bit of that mainstream in it though