#1
This song was written by me and my Bandmates girlfriend, Its a song about her
and her Drug problem and she hopes this song will help her with the problem.
C4C for sure. Enjoy!!



Your world is slowly broken
The mindset is falling peices
The signs are all here speaking
They tell you to cover the creases

[chorus::]
The tears are bleeding
And the beautiful shadow is fading
And I'm full of life
But your still shrinking into memory
Of beauty


All the little somthing's in life
Seem to amount to the spending
They give her a reason to relive comfort
To drown it out with out the suffering

[Chorus X2]

[Solo]

I'm trying to keep you alive
Even when the clouds say its too dark
I'm killing the pain with every spoken word
All we need is to see you drop the demon

[Chorus X2]
Last edited by *Thundernation* at Mar 5, 2008,
#2
i like the theme of the song. i can see what angel ur coming from which is good for other people reading the lyrics. DO u have a recorded version of this song because the part where it says solo means u have either recorded it or planning to lol..

but none the less good job like to see more of ur work Peace out
#3
Quote by *Thundernation*

Your world is slowly broken
The mindset is falling peices
The signs are all here speaking
They tell you to cover the creases

The second line needs correcting.

Quote by *Thundernation*

[chorus::]
The tears are bleeding
And the beautiful shadow is fading
And I'm full of life
But your still shrinking into memory
Of beauty


Interesting chorus. Second last line should read 'But YOU'RE still..'
Some movement from the first verse.
Quote by *Thundernation*

All the little somthing's in life
Seem to amount to the spending
They give her a reason to relive comfort
To drown it out with out the suffer

The first line should read 'All the little SOMETHINGS..'
And the last line should be '..it out WITHOUT the suffering'
Referring to the first verse, there has been some development. That's good.
Quote by *Thundernation*

[Chorus X2]

[Solo]

I'm trying to keep you alive
Even when the clouds say its too dark
I'm killing the pain with every spoken word
All we need is to see you drop the demon

[Chorus X2]


'...the clouds say IT'S too...'
Killing the pain? Peculiar phrase. Interesting, however.

Drop the demon comes as an awkward jump into the outlandish.

Overall, you need to correct some minor mistakes that nevertheless detract from smooth reading. But good job. Nothing new (not much, at least) but some parts are definitely not the standard issue stereotypes, so good work on that.
#4
Well me and my Band member are working on it right now. I'll keep you posted
when we have a rough draft of the song
#8
It sounds pretty good but the chorus needs a little more work. I think the flow's not working well and the metaphors are a little bit too cliche. You might also want to add another adjective before beauty and make it a little more descriprive.

crit my blue one
#9
I found this to be quite cliche with very over-used words and phras; and that's not a good move espicially for a love song. Maybe rephrase it and it'll be Ok.