#1
A Dylan-Esque kind of acoustic song.....


Today the sun rises with a whisper of condemning light
Far away a man wakes with a polished gun and a knife
Preparing ahead for the grisly task to be done
Hoping and praying quietly that soon the end will come

But the man he turns around with a start
For right behind him is the troublesome tart
The start, the middle and the end of the tale
The reason for four years labour and one month in jail

"You better leave" he says with poison in his voice
She doesn't move at all so he's left with a choice
But before he has time to raise up his gun
The woman has turned fast and has started to run

But the man he turns around with a start
For right behind him is another man playing his part
The start, the middle and the end of the tale
The reason he'll get another few years in jail

"Goodbye" the killer says with a sadistic smile
The knife thirsts for blood but waits for a while
Four minutes later it glistens with pearls of red
The husband of the tart on the carpet is dead

But the man he turns around with a start
For right behind him are the cops playing their part
The penultimate end of the grisly tale
This killer's gonna do lifetime in jail
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
Last edited by Driveshaft Dan at Mar 3, 2008,
#2
duuuuuuuuude i love this stuff!
already started improvising a bit and before i knew it i made a pretty nice song of it :P

don't worry though, i won't ever play it, it's your text

anyway! its great!
#3
Thank you , glad you liked it, if you've anything you want me to crit please leave a link and I will be happy to do so...

Cheers,

Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#4
The title is horrible

"For right behind him is the troublesome tart"
wtf? "tart" is a stupid word to use for something as serious in topic as this
appears as though you just wanted something to rhyme with "start"

er.. compared to everything else I've read from you
this was an improvement
although I agree that the end was weak - do something with that
a few of the rhymes seemed a little forced and at times it seemed a little bland
you could do with throwing in some stranger words because I think it was the lack of
variation in the vocabulary
that made it sound a little boring at times

but yeah, i enjoyed it
much better writing

get to mine?
it's on the first page

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=801216
#5
I agree on the start/tart rhyme, it seems a little forced - perhaps change start to give you something different to work with? Although presumably "start" is a common word to the first line of every 2nd stanza.

A great flow in the first few stanzas. The flow of the two lines ending "voice/choice" seems a bit off.

I'd add an "a" before lifetime in the last line.

Can't really say much more than that. The rhyming seems to work well in this, better than a few of the others of yours I've given crits for.


Any chance you can give me that crit on Gloucester Road you promised, and I'll try and take a proper look at Two to Tango (although its quantity scares me slightly)