#1
I'm going back to my roots, I haven't been able to write anything worth a look in the past few months, and I think this is the first thing I've written in a while that's worth a second glance. It's got a lot of my old goodies that I used to be so familiar with. Maybe I can get into the swing of things again. Who knows?

Leave a link if I owe you, crit for crit, enjoy.



The Johny Quest Coma

Every wick is lit,
wicker not; I've got
headaches instead
of heart disease, tick fever
instead of dog fleas.
These peculiar hands,
blotches with old questions
from old men. A liver living
with scar tissue, young hens
with blonde hair coughing
long lost love letters while
I sit at my desk tracing
the contour of my clock radio.

Illuminated evenings through
closed coffin windows, who
knows?
My high school sweet
heart, Ashley Quincy Jones. We
stayed in on Saturday mornings,
after a Friday of smoking pot
and finger fucking
behind my dad's garage.
We would watch Scooby Doo
& Johny Quest
, and neck
during the commercial break.

A part tide,
hanging noon high;
remember when we went
to the beach, thirty candles
ago, laughed long about
how hot the sand was, our
feet never blistered that bad
again, we would switch between
standing, on the sea and beach.
She tripped over something and
her tit fell out of her bikini, she
couldn't stop laughing.

Cut to: Mr. Bad Guy on my
office door, huffing and puffing
trying to blow me down
blow me away, I've never had
a lot to say about where I was going
or which way I was headed. On
my palm there are four corners
to the map I've drawn and I'm
stuck in the middle of my love line.

I drive home on Friday and I
grill some salmon. I only watch
television on Saturday
morning now, when I
have time to appreciate
my cozy apartment.

www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Mar 3, 2008,
#2
i love this

the subtle rhymes are used to beautiful effect

EDIT: I still prefer the writing you do when you're listening to Andrew Bird and are relatively happy, though.
Last edited by skagitup at Mar 3, 2008,
#4
Quote by Something_Vague
I



The Johny Quest Coma

Every wick is lit,
wicker not; I've got
headaches instead
of heart disease, tick fever
instead of dog fleas.
These peculiar hands,
blotches with old questions
from old men. A liver living
with scar tissue, young hens
with blonde hair coughing
long lost love letters while
I sit at my desk tracing
the contour of my clock radio.

While I'm sure this has quite a meaning to you... judging by your images... it reminded me a lot of Joris' (phantom1) work. You can tell there is something behind it... but its a lot like having slogans thrown at you. Random bits and pieces of thought that are trying to construct some sort of atmosphere... but just not quite getting there. I love that effect when its well done... but here it falls just short. I was almost to the point of liking it... when this stanza just sort of cut off and left me with a half-constructed image. Your writing is stellar, as per usual, but it seems to me that lately its the meaning and imagery that have been off. Here is no exception. It's still missing the usual zip and wit that I get from your pieces.

Illuminated evenings through
closed coffin windows, who
knows?
My high school sweet
heart, Ashley Quincy Jones. We
stayed in on Saturday mornings,
after a Friday of smoking pot
and finger fucking
behind my dad's garage.
We would watch Scooby Doo
& Johny Quest
, and neck
during the commercial break.

Closed Coffin Windows? You went with a coffin image? Isn't that about as bad as using the clouds to represent Euphoria and heaven? I mean, I guess it worked... but a coffin reference seems a little intermediate, like something I would try and have fail miserably. that said, it did work well. This was back to what I enjoy about your writing. Blunt and quirky. Feels more like your "regular" stuff. Given, that a lot of times your regular stuff doesn't hit me as well as this did.

A part tide,
hanging noon high;
remember when we went
to the beach, thirty candles
ago, laughed long about
how hot the sand was, our
feet never blistered that bad
again. Candy cane umbrellas
protected us from the rain, my eyes;
like propellers that never spun again.

hated the last part. Double again = fail. Too far apart to be considered "with one another" and too close together for me to have forgotten the last one. I like the image of candy cane umbrellas... but having trouble connecting it to the "beach." Unless you simply mean an umbrella with candy cane images on it. This was mediocre. It wasn't special... it wasn't mind-bending, it wasn't even all that intriguing. It just simply was. Neither bad nor good.

Cut to: Mr. Bad Guy on my
office door, huffing and puffing
trying to blow me down and
out, this little pig gave away
the keys years ago though.
I drive home on Friday and I
grill some salmon. I only watch
television on Saturday
morning now, when I
have time to appreciate
my cozy apartment.

Move 'out' up one line... it was a terrible line break. I was with you until "I drive home." After that... it just seemed... meh. Sort of forced in a round about way. Like you wanted it to connect back to every day life and the cartoon idea, and thus just forced it back around. I dunno, just gave me a bad vibe.



It was ok. Some parts enjoyable, namely stanza 2. the rest was ok. Didn't really stir anything up inside of me... it was sub-par for you I suppose, but above most of the stuff here (not that you need your ego stroked anymore). I guess, in simpler form, the content wasn't terribly interesting in the long run, but the writing was superb.

C4C on Sunburnt Penguins, its old and short, but I'd love your opinion on it. It's in the sig... and linked.

-zC
#5
You'd some great ideas, espicially the first stanza, but as a whole this piece didn't compromise each other; they felt seperated. The second stanza was horrible and ruined what was a promising start. The third stanza was pretty random, espicially the last three lines. The forth stanza had a vague ocnnection with the first but it still didn't compensate for the previous two.

In my opinion i think this speaks about youth and how prone people are when living out on their own.

Check 'Bigger' out.
#6
Quote by Bleed Away
You'd some great ideas, espicially the first stanza, but as a whole this piece didn't compromise each other; they felt seperated. The second stanza was horrible and ruined what was a promising start. The third stanza was pretty random, espicially the last three lines. The forth stanza had a vague ocnnection with the first but it still didn't compensate for the previous two.

In my opinion i think this speaks about youth and how prone people are when living out on their own.

Check 'Bigger' out.


Why was the second stanza horrible? I think it's the strongest one. Your interpretation is a little off. It's about someone looking back at their youth remembering how free it was compared to now, and for no reason. He doesn't understand the restrictions he has placed on his adult life, but he ends up being content about it.

Basically it's contentment through apathy.

[also it has been editted]
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#7
Quote by Something_Vague
He doesn't understand the restrictions he has placed on his adult life, but he ends up being content about it.

Basically it's contentment through apathy.



Oh i see this is a very good subject that this is based upon. But i didn't really like the randomness or how you started, in my opinion, in peak and then declined, in my opinion, significantly in the second stanza.

But anyway now that i know what you're trying to say, this is pretty good.
#8
I don't understand how it's random. It follows a concise story, maybe the imagery is a little abstract, but I don't see or understand how anyone could say this is random.

I accept your opinion that you didn't like it (some of it), but it being random isn't a very valid reason, because it isn't.

A man is sitting in his office, and thinks about his younger days, specifically a Saturdays morning with his high school sweet heart and a day at the beach with her, it cuts back to him sitting in his office with his boss banging on his door, he goes home and watches some television. There's nothing really random about this at all.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#10
Thanks I'll be getting to yours in a little bit, I'm glad it works better now.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic