#1
My pupils shine, I keep them employed
Don't want to loose a certain one from sight
Despite there're so many tempting ones

My hands are cold from touching silent void
Wish I could make them feel again your warmth
But it's escaping with the speed of light


CHORUS X2
All I can do is bending space-time, to see you smile
All I can do is bending space-time, in my mind's eye


Sometimes I wish you could be here with me
You do deserve an aureole, my dear
You've been so calm and patient for these years

Sometimes I feel that time has stopped herein
Your angel doesn't have laugh lines in his face
But his wings can't take him to the right place


CHORUS X2
All I can do is bending space-time, to see you smile
All I can do is bending space-time, in my mind's eye


BRIDGE:
Keep shining, keep shining, oooh
Keep shining, this light will guide me home
Keep shining, keep shining, oooh
Keep shining, this light will guide me home

But 'til then

CHORUS X4
All I can do is bending space-time, to see you smile
All I can do is bending space-time, in my mind's eye


Pretty simple and straightforward love/longing song, though it can have few meanings, so read carefully
Last edited by zombiak at Mar 3, 2008,
#3
This is a very rhythmic which in effect makes it easier for you to put it into music. he only problems i've here is the word "aureole", this ruined the verse and the flow. The 'ohh' in the chorus shouldn't be included as being 'part' of the lyrics, this is something that is usually jusr hamonized.

But anyway apart from that i thought it was good and i hope to see you around here more often.
#4
I could spend all day
criting this -
how awesome, cool and clever it is.

BUT, interest rises
if I make a poem
'cause I'm bored, it's fun and this'll show-em

So here it is
my crit to you
in form of song
sad but true:

As far as rhyme,
it's something to be reckoned
with ABC, ABC first verses
and ABB ABB the second

The repetition in the bridge is awesome, awesome, awesome
and makes a build up to the chorus, I suspect, quite well

Ah, f*ck it, it's too hard
to rhyme and s*it
while giving crit

Anyway, I can't really say much in the way of improving it. Maybe variations in the chorus - have the second different from the first, but maybe make the two rhyme, or have the same meaning or something. Maybe put more references to the space ship somewhere in there to enforce your metaphor.

Annddd...thats about it really. Great job.
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You're just another brick in the wall
#5
Well i'm not very good at critiquing, but overall i think it was really good!

I agree with Bleed Away, the rhythmic effect does make it easier to put into music.

Also, I found the bridge really good. I'm a fan of light, so I liked it.

Overall great job

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
#6
you asked for some constructive criticism... but the only thing i can say is maybe use some simpler words.

For example: not everyone may know what "aureole" means (like me lol).

That's all i can really say. Great work

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
#7
Not sure if you did it on purpose or what, but Spaceship One is a Paul Gilbert thing...it's the name of a song, the album, and basically everything that he did in the time period had 'Spaceship One' in the title somehow. Just so you know....Cool song otherwise!
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