#1
And so begins
This hollow day
I'm sick and tired of waiting
Breathe the life back into my eyes
Objectives are easy to forget
When dwelling in the silence
Share your pulse
Let me hear my heart beat once again

Don't forget that sinking feeling
Don't let this world devastate us
We only have one lifetime
To change the evil ways of thousands of years
We will not die in vain
They will not drown in pain
Do not back down!

This never ceasing hiatus
Fills my ears with the loudest silence
Let us paint these walls
With every filthy shade of black
We won't let you die if you
Never let us down

These tapeworms sink into your skin
Telling you that you'll be nothing
But you'll never be it's slave
That **** won't last one minute

Don't forget that sinking feeling
Don't let this world devastate us
We only have one lifetime
To change the evil ways of thousands of years
We will not die in vain
They will not drown in pain
Do not back down!
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#2
Quote by I Walk Alone

Forewarning: when I crit, I'm honest. If it sounds like I'm being an ass, I'm probably jus ttrying to help you grow as a writer. Let's begin.

And so begins
This hollow day
I'm sick and tired of waiting
Breathe the life back into my eyes
Objectives are easy to forget
When dwelling in the silence
Share your pulse
Let me hear my heart beat once again

Your first three lines are cringe-worthy. They're bland, uninteresting and generally make me want to quit reading already. If you've heard any angsty 90's song... you've heard those three lines before. You might have been able to pull them off if you had spread them out or not opened with them... but opening with them was terrible. The rest was great. Some great images and ideas and the writing was good too. Punctuate this please... for the love of God. If I could have had some rhythm guide, this would have read a lot smoother than it did... and would add the extra flare it needed to be superb. Please fix the first three though. Oh, and it rarely ever works to start with "and" good rule to go by.

Don't forget that sinking feeling
Don't let this world devastate us
We only have one lifetime
To change the evil ways of thousands of years
We will not die in vain
They will not drown in pain
Do not back down!

This, as a whole, made me very angry, and not in the way you intended. Your first stanza was so promising, and then you fell into this bland, emo, and generally uninteresting idea. Nothing you say here is original, nothing makes me think, nothing makes me go, "wow, what a cool way to word that." I'm left with a feeling that I get from every damn song on the radio. Line 4 was way to wordy. It ruined the flow... no matter what it was... that line destroyed it. Your last 3 are almots laughable. They are so overused and generally have no impact. For example, try to remember sometime in your life where an adult was really gung-ho about something, and you and all of your young peers had to try not to laugh at them becuase they were crazy excited about something unexciting... that's the cibe I get from your last three.

This never ceasing hiatus
Fills my ears with the loudest silence
Let us paint these walls
With every filthy shade of black
We won't let you die if you
Never let us down

Great sentiment here, terrible execution. first line, "hiatus" was an ugly word. It sticks out terribly from the rest of your writing... its too obscure for how the rest of your wording is. "Loudest Silence" works... but is on the verge of cliche ness... so if you re-work this stanza, be careful how you use it. "Paint it black" is a cliche sentiment... but I liked it with "filthy" in there... gave it some sort of punch that I enjoyed. Your last two... I love the idea... but make them less bland. there is a phrase, "show me, don't tell me." Basically, paint some sort of image that I can draw that sentiment from... don't announce it to me. I think those last two could really be spiced up with something like that.

These tapeworms sink into your skin
Telling you that you'll be nothing
But you'll never be it's slave
That **** won't last one minute

This made next to no sense for me. I sort of understood, but I'm left thinking, what the hell did he just say? First line, I'd re-write as: "Let tapeworms sink into your skin." I like that better. After that, I just didn't like the writing. It seemed, beginner-ish. Also, swearing rarely works in writing... it usually comes off as childish... like you didn't know what else to say. Someitmes it works if used with the write context to give a lot of extra "oomph" but here, it just seemed unneccesary and kind of took away from the stanza.

Don't forget that sinking feeling
Don't let this world devastate us
We only have one lifetime
To change the evil ways of thousands of years
We will not die in vain
They will not drown in pain
Do not back down!

Same as before.


Overall, this wasn't terrible... but it needs some work. There were a lot of "beginner" mistakes that I see. Not saying you are one, but its the type of wording and "announcing" the piece that stick out as poor executuion. With some touch ups, this could be on its way to being a very solid piece.

Please return a critique on either Sunburnt Penguins or Siamese Christmas Trees. Both are in my sig.

Hope I helped.

-zC