#1
Me and my friend wrote it.
Crit please!


When the well is dry, we know the worth of water.



We watched you take off, eyes blind,
this town glimmers that much less
as everyone's lost interest,
And we're left behind.
once you've got something theres no stopping you.
you have all of your makeshift foes behind you.
You've set no restrictions, for the past leaves you broken.
Each breath you take pulls you farther, so you just keep breathing in.
You just keep floating away, the door is locked behind you.

Make life stand out.
Just like your 'real' is hidden
Jump at the opportunity
Shrink at the change it brings
But you still move farther on
And no one stops you
till you're half way there
And there's no backwards motions.
We're all scared.

You're no longer waiting to be pulled in.
You've forced that one your self.
And though you cant remember yourself
You always have something else to begin
Because your doors close and your windows open
And I fear that will never change about you.

Make life stand out.
Just like your 'real' is hidden
Jump at the opportunity
Shrink at the change it brings
But you still move farther on
And no one stops you
till you're half way there
And there's no backwards motions.
We're all scared.

Maybe its the littered ideas scattered in your head
Could it be the thriving thoughts you just wish were dead?
Or possibly the book of lies, that you still haven't read.
No, its probably just you, hating the path you lead.

Make life stand out.
Just like your 'real' is hidden
Jump at the opportunity
Shrink at the change it brings
But you still move farther on
And no one stops you
till you're half way there
And there's no backwards motions.
We're all scared.
#2
I liked this. I thought the first verse was especially poignant. I would change the word "float" in the last line, I just don't like it for some reason. I would like drift better because it implies more motion to me and not so much standing still. The first four lines are just great, they really set the mood for what you are about to sing an entire song about. My favorite line in the entire song is "you have all of your makeshift foes behind you". I think that is just a good line, especially the way I interpret it. I think you have really captured the feeling of someone who is never happy where they are and believes that anything else or anywhere else must be better so they will drift from place to place leaving their nothing behind, but taking your everything. If that's not what you were going for then my apologies, but I think it is beautiful if you were. Aside from that I really like the chorus or the refrain at least. It really sums up an entire process into a few lines and conveys all of the motions this person is going through, always looking towards the future but with so much fear and distaste for the present. Overall, good job, definitely keep working on it and keep writing. If you have a chance you could look at any of mine in my signature, but if you don't have time no big deal. Thanks!
#3
Quote by bmac85
I liked this. I thought the first verse was especially poignant. I would change the word "float" in the last line, I just don't like it for some reason. I would like drift better because it implies more motion to me and not so much standing still. The first four lines are just great, they really set the mood for what you are about to sing an entire song about. My favorite line in the entire song is "you have all of your makeshift foes behind you". I think that is just a good line, especially the way I interpret it. I think you have really captured the feeling of someone who is never happy where they are and believes that anything else or anywhere else must be better so they will drift from place to place leaving their nothing behind, but taking your everything. If that's not what you were going for then my apologies, but I think it is beautiful if you were. Aside from that I really like the chorus or the refrain at least. It really sums up an entire process into a few lines and conveys all of the motions this person is going through, always looking towards the future but with so much fear and distaste for the present. Overall, good job, definitely keep working on it and keep writing. If you have a chance you could look at any of mine in my signature, but if you don't have time no big deal. Thanks!



Thats exactly what i was going for! Thanks so much for the crit! i'll be sure to crit you back ASAP!
#4
deep man..

this definately struck something inside me. very inspirational
I bet Charlie Brown's teacher's name was Mrs.Hammett
#5
Quote by Washburnd Fretz
deep man..

this definately struck something inside me. very inspirational



thanks so much! I'm glad to be getting good feedback on this song!
#6
I'm going to have to go and give you another good feedback. Original and I love the meaning. Good work.
#7
Quote by Supafly1824
I'm going to have to go and give you another good feedback. Original and I love the meaning. Good work.



cool, thanks for the compliment!
#8
A lot of thanks for the crit on my song, I’m not sure about the while, I think your probably right. And with the:

The hairs on my neck start standing right up,
And you have been left lying so still.

I was trying to make a reference to the Right and left. Just for a little bit of interest and contrast. Maybe no one got that? Hmmm…

Well anyway here’s the return favour.

Great Opening! Btw


We watched you take off, eyes blind,
this town glimmers that much less
as everyone's lost interest,
And we're left behind.
once you've got something theres no stopping you.
you have all of your makeshift foes behind you.
You've set no restrictions, for the past leaves you broken.
Each breath you take pulls you farther, so you just keep breathing in.
You just keep floating away, the door is locked behind you.

I like the starting, it really pulls you into the song, but the third and forth lines I think would be better if they were combined together.
‘Everyone’s lost interest and we’re all left behind’ I think this would flow a lot better.
Love the 7th line, The two lines before that may have too many yous in but I think the ideas work well together.
I think the ideas in the last two lines are great, love the way you have contradicted it kind off, by saying the person ‘wants’ to be farther away, but I don’t like the keep floating away line, so I would suggest rewriting those lines as:
‘Each breath you take pulls you farther away, so you keep on breathing,
And when you look behind, a thousand doors are being locked.’
Here you have internal false rhyme, with take and away, maybe that’s what you were going for anyway, but I just don’t like that floating away line.


Make life stand out.
Just like your 'real' is hidden
Jump at the opportunity
Shrink at the change it brings
But you still move farther on
And no one stops you
till you're half way there
And there's no backwards motions.
We're all scared.

Chorus is good, but too many ‘yous’, (I have been accused of doing this myself, so im yet to write time to breathe) Also maybe you could change ‘just like your real is hidden’ top ‘just like your reality is hidden, As I think that makes more sense.

You're no longer waiting to be pulled in.
You've forced that one your self.
And though you cant remember yourself
You always have something else to begin
Because your doors close and your windows open
And I fear that will never change about you.

I love the repetition of the doors, plus the fact that you add windows enhances the point making it better. But again too many ‘You’s here.
Also I think that last line would be really powerful if it was:
And I fear that I will never change without you.’ The too I’s have a brilliant contrast to the whole song being about WE or YOU.


Make life stand out.
Just like your 'real' is hidden
Jump at the opportunity
Shrink at the change it brings
But you still move farther on
And no one stops you
till you're half way there
And there's no backwards motions.
We're all scared.

Maybe its the littered ideas scattered in your head
Could it be the thriving thoughts you just wish were dead?
Or possibly the book of lies, that you still haven't read.
No, its probably just you, hating the path you lead.


I love this brigde!
My only suggestions here is to make the second line into, ‘Could it be the thriving thoughts, you just wish you were dead?’
And alter the last line, because I’m not so keen on ‘its probably just you’ I hate to say it but It reminds me of a horrible Lindsay Lohan song my little sister likes…


Make life stand out.
Just like your 'real' is hidden
Jump at the opportunity
Shrink at the change it brings
But you still move farther on
And no one stops you
till you're half way there
And there's no backwards motions.
We're all scared

Overall it’s a good song, but try not to write as many ‘You’s.
#9
Make life stand out?

Well, you should be pleased, you do stand out. But it strikes me as being very much inside your comfort zone. I'll very much like to see more of your work, and whether you stick to a specific style or diversify. But I like the song. Good work. Not sensational for me, but good.
#10
Thanks for the critisism to both linear-equation and lum. I like a lot of the ideas lum had, and to linear-equation i'll definitely be making more!
#11
First off, I love the title, though I don't really see how it fits with the rest of the piece. It's basically a rephrase of "You don't know what you've got until it's gone," is it not? I can maybe see how it would apply to this if I think about it for a bit. Either the town is going to miss this person, which seems a little unlikely from the description, or the person is going to eventually realize he misses the town...which is also unlikely from the description. I'm sure it makes sense if all the details are put out there, just make sure you're direct about these things so the reader or listener has no chance of being confused.

Anyway, on with the crit
:

We watched you take off, eyes blind,
this town glimmers that much less
as everyone's lost interest,
And we're left behind.
once you've got something theres no stopping you.
you have all of your makeshift foes behind you.
You've set no restrictions, for the past leaves you broken.
Each breath you take pulls you farther, so you just keep breathing in.
You just keep floating away, the door is locked behind you.

I like this stanza probably more than all the others because it's the only one I really felt captured the honesty of a situation like this and showed how you and your friend felt about this guy (I'm guessing it's a guy) leaving. It shows the distaste and the offense and even the fear for this person, and because of that raw quality, it's quite strong. I usually don't like the word "broken" in art forms because of how cliche it's become, so maybe use the word "bitter" instead.


Make life stand out.
Just like your 'real' is hidden
Jump at the opportunity
Shrink at the change it brings
But you still move farther on
And no one stops you
till you're half way there
And there's no backwards motions.
We're all scared.

The first part of the stanza didn't really make sense to me. How can a person make life stand out? But I digress. And the second half made sense, but I felt it was a bit weak artistically. "There's no backwards motions" should be "there are no backwards motions," and although the last line shows more feeling than the otherwise emotionally stepped-back lines of this, remember that this is poetry/songwriting and "We're all scared," is a bit too blunt of a thought to be a focal point of your song. Just thought you should rewrite that whole stanza.

You're no longer waiting to be pulled in.
You've forced that one your self.
And though you cant remember yourself
You always have something else to begin
Because your doors close and your windows open
And I fear that will never change about you.

The use of "self" and "yourself" back to back weakens this. Other than that, the rhyming and rhythm is a bit shaky, but I do like this stanza because of the emotional honesty.

Maybe its the littered ideas scattered in your head
Could it be the thriving thoughts you just wish were dead?
Or possibly the book of lies, that you still haven't read.
No, its probably just you, hating the path you lead.

Go back and edit this part since it doesn't specify who the guy is wishing was dead, himself or the people in the town. Also, the rhythm of this is also a bit too much. Too many syllables in the last two lines. Rephrase those. I'm also not really a fan of the rhyme scheme. Head, dead, read, lead. It doesn't really get more elementary than that. Just doctor this part up a bit, because it has potential to be strong, especially with that third line.

Overall it seems like something you guys are very passionate about. Unfortunately sometimes passion is overwhelming and can get in the way of making sense, which I think happened a bit with this one...but there are some very good lines, and I can definitely see this piece being great with a bit of work.

Good luck with everything! And I hope you'll crit the song in my sig, 1+1=1, if you have time. Thanks and good luck.
#13
Hmm, I'll give it a shot.



When the well is dry, we know the worth of water.



We watched you take off, eyes blind,
this town glimmers that much less
as everyone's lost interest,
AndI would add a now here as in (and now we're left behind) we're left behind.
once you've got somethingi think theres too many sylables, i would change "something" to "it" as in "once you've got it theres no stopping you" this makes it a little more interesting too theres no stopping you.
you have all of your makeshift foes behind you.
You've set no restrictions, for the past leaves you broken.
Each breath you take pulls you farther, so you just keep breathing in.you have said breath and breathing in the same line. maybe use a different word like "holding in" instead of "breathing in" i dont know, it sounds a little more flowy to me
You just keep floating away, the door is locked behind you.

Make life stand out.
Just like your 'real' is hidden
Jump at the opportunity
Shrink at the change it brings
But you still move farther on
And no one stops you
till you're half way there
And there's no backwards motions.
We're all scared.this is a neat chorus. i might change "theres no backwards motions" to "theres no going back"

You're no longer waiting to be pulled in.
You've forced that one your self.
And though you cant remember yourself
You always have something else to begin
Because your doors close and your windows open
And I fear that will never change about you.

Make life stand out.
Just like your 'real' is hidden
Jump at the opportunity
Shrink at the change it brings
But you still move farther on
And no one stops you
till you're half way there
And there's no backwards motions.
We're all scared.

Maybe its the littered ideas scattered in your head
Could it be the thriving thoughts you just wish were dead?
Or possibly the book of lies, that you still haven't read.
No, its probably just you, hating the path you lead.

^ i like it

Make life stand out.
Just like your 'real' is hidden
Jump at the opportunity
Shrink at the change it brings
But you still move farther on
And no one stops you
till you're half way there
And there's no backwards motions.
We're all scared.
#16
Hey. Thanks for the kind words.

Me and my friend wrote it.
Crit please!


When the well is dry, we know the worth of water.



We watched you take off, eyes blind,
this town glimmers that much less
as everyone's lost interest,
And we're left behind.
once you've got something theres no stopping you.
you have all of your makeshift foes behind you.
You've set no restrictions, for the past leaves you broken.
Each breath you take pulls you farther, so you just keep breathing in.
You just keep floating away, the door is locked behind you.

L3 I would change to 'now that everyone's lost interest'. It just flows better and is easier to comprehend. Line 4 doesn't really fit with the theme of the first 3, but everything else in the stanza leads on from it... so you can't really get rid of it. I'd just try and relate the ideas of the first part more and definitely elaborate on it more - because it actually made me say 'aww'. The rest of the stanza is kind of cliché. The 2nd last line needs rewording, the 'each breath you take' clashes, and doesn't give the idea you want. I assume you mean each breath you exhale? I'd make it something like 'each breath that escapes pulls...' etc. Last line is weak. I'd cut it.


Make life stand out.
Just like your 'real' is hidden
Jump at the opportunity
Shrink at the change it brings
But you still move farther on
And no one stops you
till you're half way there
And there's no backwards motions.
We're all scared.

I like all of this besides L3/4. This is really dreamy, it's quite touching actually.


This is going to seem rude and stupid, but honestly, I would finish the piece after that first chorus. It's just a suggestion, but if you're making a song out of this, I could easily see it as a really dreamy, mellow song, sung slowly and with lots of ambientish music. The power conveyed in the line 'we're all scared' is incredible. And it's more powerful when you just use it once. This would be the perfect intro to an album or something. I don't know, I don't know how serious of a musician you are or whether you write songs with the goal of recording an album. That's just my two cents.

I loved the bits that I've commented on though. Seriously.

Great title btw.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#17
18zzz18,
please give the rules a read. you'll find them in the announcement at the top of this forum.

you have made six replies to your own thread.
after the third, you shouldn't be making any replies
except to answer direct questions about the piece.

you milked this for all it was worth during the month of March.
write something new maybe.
or just crit others until you feel like writing again.
but asking Nate for a crit on this one should not have happened.
this one is old, and it had plenty of replies.

i'll report it so it gets closed and will drift down, leaving room for newer pieces.
Meadows
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