#1
To be or not to be, that's the question
Striving to ignite a lifelong ambition
Screaming teachers, depressed students
We're singled out,
We're all just mutants..

We're sons and daughters
or just worthless kids
as they label us defective
amongst the others..

I'm a worthless piece of nothing
sent back with missing pieces
The world wants me to be perfect
Sadly I don't have it in me
We're said to be a doomed generation
because we have an imagination..

We're sons and daughters
or just worthless kids
Favoring fairytales..
overdosed on what is real..
We're just a clutter
as they label us defective
amongst the others..
#2
Quote by CreamedExplorer
To be or not to be, that's the question
Striving to ignite a lifelong ambition
Screaming teachers, depressed students
We're singled out, > Would read better if these two lines were adjoined
We're all just mutants.. >

We're sons and daughters
or just worthless kids
as they label us defective
amongst the others..

I'm a worthless piece of nothing
sent back with missing pieces
The world wants me to be perfect
Sadly I don't have it in me <--------Double use of the word me doesn't flow
We're said to be a doomed generation
because we have an imagination..

We're sons and daughters
or just worthless kids
Favoring fairytales..
overdosed on what is real..
We're just a clutter
as they label us defective
amongst the others..


The rhyming is all over the place too - not to sound too harsh, but that's the main problem here. Where the first verse has a AA BB rhyming pattern, the last has none at all. On the plus side, you've made good use of words and there is a lot of meaning in this - all it needs is a bit of a tidy up.

If you don't hate me after that, please crit back - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=800608
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You're just another brick in the wall
#3
Quote by En_zed
The rhyming is all over the place too - not to sound too harsh, but that's the main problem here. Where the first verse has a AA BB rhyming pattern, the last has none at all. On the plus side, you've made good use of words and there is a lot of meaning in this - all it needs is a bit of a tidy up.



I totally agree with you about the rhyming but that was kind of the goal here.. I was going for a free verse style with like a Nirvana style rythm. Thanks for the crit though.
#4
Quote by CreamedExplorer
I totally agree with you about the rhyming but that was kind of the goal here.. I was going for a free verse style with like a Nirvana style rythm. Thanks for the crit though.


Reading lyrics like this without music, it's impossible to tell how you're using the rhyme. I just crit things as poems, looking for natural rhythm and such. I find it's all I can do to help without listening to the music, but I'm glad you crited my crit! I just found out something about myself
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You're just another brick in the wall
#5
Quote by En_zed
Reading lyrics like this without music, it's impossible to tell how you're using the rhyme. I just crit things as poems, looking for natural rhythm and such. I find it's all I can do to help without listening to the music, but I'm glad you crited my crit! I just found out something about myself



Try listening to Drain You by Nirvana.. it's really closely linked to that song because it was stuck in my head at the time I wrote this..
#6
I like the title lol It's creative :P

I found the layout kind of weird. Some rhymes here and there, but i didn't find it consistent.
You said it was a style, so i'd probably have to hear it.

The little Shakespeare bit on the first line kicked the thing off well, though. It all follows one idea, whereas sometimes people can get lost and lose track of what they're writing about in the first place. Overall it was good

A little crit4crit would be appreciated My song's called "sweet melodies."

Keep up the song writing

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix