#1
This is new and maybe unfinished and I'm not sure if it's working. What do you think? I'll go c4c for once.

The Kriss .45 Calibre Sub-Machine Gun
"We know that the 9mm is effective, however, in the middle of a situation
when the adrenaline's pumping, sometimes it doesn't knock the person down.
It might stun them but they're still able to pull the trigger; they're still standing upright.
The KRISS 45 is the difference between throwing a baseball and a medicine ball." - Future Weapons

Is that all you got?
I want a gun that fires before
I pull the trigger
that never has to be reloaded.
I want to see blood before
I've made a decision.
Red rain washing everything clean
A mosaic on the carpet,
ME,
The Great Painter!

I've killed fifty three men and I
think of them while I'm
having sex.
Pumping another kind
of bullet
with my muscle machine.
And she says, that
all you got?

I want a double-automatic rifle
that doesn't require fingers.
Give me a video game gun
with the cheats on.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
it's pretty good actually but i dislike it... sorry ;D.. the theme just doesnt fit in
Quote by Moggan13
Serjem is like a Bishops testicals: Swollen
ಠ_ಠ
IIIIfb * KARKOLI * ytIIII(mostly rock... a little funky, a little hard just the way you want it )
#3
the quote at the beginning was a great way to open.
i liked the circular thing with the sex.
i would have liked to see a story develop or something, with the power-hungry guy, who i think you characterized perfectly.
i don't think the ending does it justice, though. it's abrupt and i don't know how well the whole video game thing ties in, for me anyway.

i've got one floating around on the first page if you'd look at it.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Mar 4, 2008,
#4
haha.
i read the quote and i was wondering where you were going to go with it, but it worked out real nice.

and i liked the ending for sure
#5
You've been a ghost around these forums.

But I loved this. Brilliant opening, cyncial as all Hell.

What else should I say?


c4c, eh?
Poor advice.