#1
As a child, he
Watched with astonishment
At this fascinating medley,
Ate ice creams
In lush parks.
Fell down and knew pain for the first time.
Played and cried and learned.

When he grew older, he
Watched with astonishment
As the world hurtled by.
Ate sleeping pills
To forget the pain.
But woke to sweaty blankets anyway.
Worked and cried and learned.

In tomorrow's world, he
Hopes for world peace and gets a Nuclear War
He hopes for everything he had as a child
Falling without consequence;
Ice cream, and trees with green leaves,
And gets-


Crit4crit.
EDIT: Edited. Hmm.
Last edited by linear-equation at Mar 4, 2008,
#3
Thank you very much. I don't have a specific ending in mind. If I filled it with something like 'the end of humanity', it might be borderline cliched and I didn't want to spoil the mood.

Thanks for the comment, I'll get round to your pieces, mate.
#4
I don't agree with Zach. I thought it was rather bland, with cliché imagery throughout. I did like the structure you used in the first two stanza's though; how some lines are almost the same, yet different (ate icecreams/sleeping pills etc). It added a something to the piece, made me go back and read it again.
I liked the ending. It left me wondering, I mean, I could fill this in on my own and while I usually don't like it, it worked fine here.
Like I said, my only problem is some of the imagery. Things like 'tomorrow's world', 'the cruel world', 'to forget the horror'.. If you could make that a little bit more interesting, it'd be a lot better IMO.

I have a piece stickied at the top of the forum, 'Excerpts from the book of wisdom'. If you feel like it, please have a look


EDIT: Welcome to S+L btw
#5
Yeah its really good.

The story of a kid growing up, realizing how cruel the world can be. It also a sort of peace and love kind of theme to it, in my oppinion.

Great piece

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
#7
Er, to fall asleep. Hmm, I think I didn't make that part clear enough. Oh well. Thanks for the comments, let me know if you have a song for me to crit.
#9
It's beautiful. Amazing. I love how you left the ending blank, some of it can be predicted from the previous lines but it gives the reader enough space to figure out what the main character turned out to be.

C4C?
#11
agree with emokitty the ending is cool as you can finish it how you want. Like the imagery but its making me want an icecream right now... failed english so sorry i cant give an in depth critique of this but good work and cheers for critting my song!
#13
The ending is good, it would really work if the singer was to hold the 'get'
like:
and (breathe) GE--------------------------------------T----(fade)- s (instrumental ending)

But maybe the whole song could have a bit more flow to it... other than that i think there are some brilliant ideas....
#14
I like the way the character develops and the mindless way of life he wishes for himself, don´t we all wanna be so young again? nice poem !
#15
i was being totally serious about the sleeping pills. Because of the way the song develops, i wasn't sure if he just wanted to sleep to get away temporarily, or if he REALLy wante dto get away. I think either image works really well for this piece.

I figured the sweaty blankets were either his own bed or a hospital bed that he wakes up in after being taken care of or something.
#16
Yes, but taking sleeping pills to commit suicide? That's not the first thing that comes to mind, but good thought. I don't think I can edit it any further to make that point come across, though.

And the sweaty blankets should probably be his own bed. But very nice lookout. If I had portrayed it as a hospital bed, I would have to expand on it a little longer, and I'm afraid I'll detract on the main point. Thanks for your comment.

Oh, and thanks to all the others who have commented too. All 3 of you have no return links though, so no critting from me. Lol.