#1
i had to repost this because there was a huge mistake in the title.
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if i'm the elder snail, the mojave desert phone booth is
the shell on my broken back.
all sides are grayed by 7 months of sweat or cigarette smoke;
three are whorls of smashed glass, somebody's claustrophobic fits.

like i said, i've been dying here for 7 months,
off tumbleweeds, cacti and
cold chameleons.
(swallowing them alive is uplifting, like i'm giving them a chance or something.)
but today i'm eating a cactus for breakfast.

with a swing of the wrist,
my swiss knife's shine reflects morning light,
and i stab down towards the cactus in my lap.
the sonofabitch is tough.
my blade slides on the surface and i stab myself in the thigh.
7 months ago i would have said it was easy.

noon breaks and the sun wrings me dry,
like a full-body indian burn from my 50 foot, asshole cousin.
sometimes i think the walls are made of magnifying glass,
and it's those times when one part of me escapes in perspiration
while another dives in like a rat to a sewer.

crouched in the corner with the phone to my ear,
"operator please."
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Mar 4, 2008,
#2
I liked this man. Always enjoy your pieces..
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#3
Excellent ending, nailed it. Obviously for a piece like this I'd have to hear it with it's music to get it, but I didn't like the lack of flow. I loved the indian burn line, that was pretty funny. I don't have too much advice for it. I'd suggest that you experiment with it a little and try to get it into a nice, straight forward, rhyming flow. See how it comes out, it may be a big improvement if you can swing it.
We're only strays.
#4
Oh I was unaware that this was a poem. TS should include that in his post so people know and crit it accordingly.
We're only strays.
#6
Quote by nightraven
i've never heard a poem spoken along with music :|


listen to the ending of "Violence" by Blink-182. A lady reads a letter to piano music.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.