#1
May 18th 1947


Dear Sahara,

On this fractured land the dried souls
will ascend from the prickly pears.
All the ice-age farmers, from this fractured land,
will harvest 'til the trumpet blows; remember the orphans when they sing the words,
"O Death, where is your sting?"
The four winds won't collide with the abandoned land;
the land of the Ancestors.

But when I arrive don't bring the gifts for the Mothers and then offer it to me
on an apron; the forefathers won't allow such a thing.
Children of the desert where are you going?
No-man's land bares no fruit neither here nor there.
This is the road of the exiles; where everyman must repent.

This fractured land doesn't exist to me anymore.
This animate distortion, this scene of conquest
will soon dissolve as a nation.
And then you'll all know that Father
never liked his black Son

Yours Truly,
Sam Bigg.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Sep 14, 2008,
#2
I like the form of the letter, quite original, man. There are two issues though; the third verse (or part, no idea how to call it) doesn't flow very well, mainly because constructions like "to me anymore" or "as a nation". I think that you should reorganise these lines, check if there aren't some shorter, more rhytmic ways to say what you have in your head.

Second thing - these loooong lines, like "will harvest 'til the trumpet blows; remember the orphans when they sing the words", this is a pure aesthetical problem, I think it should be divided in two separate lines instead of creating such behemoth-of-a-line.
Oh, another thing. I see that words 'land' and 'fractured' are sponsors of this poem Try to replace them with synonyms, I think it would sound much better with more rich vocabulary.

Would you crit my song "Spaceship One" please? Pretty simple stuff, yet I want to know the opinons about it.
#5
Quote by Bleed Away
May 18th 1947


Dear Sahara,

On this fractured land the dried souls
will ascend from the prickly pears.
All the ice-age farmers, from this fractured land,
will harvest 'til the trumpet blows; remember the orphans when they sing the words,
"O Death, where is your sting?"
The four winds won't collide with the abandoned land;
the land of the Ancestors.

I like the form of the letter it´s unique just like i already commented in part 1 i like ur choice of words "dried souls" "prickly pears", I´m not realy sure about these "ice-age farmers" they sound weird to me, mb you could explain that one to me?
The quotation of this song gives this scene more life, nice one


But when I arrive don't bring the gifts for the Mothers and then offer it to me
on a apron; the forefathers won't allow such a thing.
Children of the desert where are you going?
No-man's land bares no fruit neither here nor there.
This is the road of the exiles; where everyman must repent.

I like this question, this somehow rhetorical question and the 2 following lines, wow man such a nice choice of words, can´t say anythign else, imo brilliant!


This fractured land doesn't exist to me anymore.
This animate distortion, this scene of conquest
will soon dissolve as a nation.
And then you'll all know that Father
never liked his black Son

Refering to the U.S. today and 30 years ago a bit? I hope u do otherwise i do not understand it completely! Anyway I like the contrast to the first stanza because this land or nation was destroyed and then u refer to a "father", which might be who? I don´t understand it really, sorry help me

Yours Truly,
Sam Bigg.


Very nice endying, it´s so simple, but deep at the same time imo, who is sam bigg again!?

Sry, that I can´t understand it that easily=/
#6
The ice-age farmes is me making reference to the armageddon but i decided to cotradict it so instead of a world of fire a world of ice, youknowman. The farmers are actually the christian society who believe and wait for that day to happen the armageddon.

The 'father' is actually Noah and in biblical perspective he's the reason for the downfall of the black nation.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Mar 5, 2008,
#8
you've done it again sir.
When this is finished (like i can see bigger stretching on for many more)
i generally think you should look into getting it published.
Like a collection of poems called Bigger or something
Its pretty epic, its sweeps through lsuch andscapes and times and cities and events
It's a great piece so far.
I cannot wait for the next installment..
anyway sir I hope all is well
Here's my new piece its transitional I'm working on a piece which is by far the best thing I have ever written its just going to take a few weeks I think to realise what its about so this is quick just to tide me over.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=804600
#9
Dayumm.

First of all, thank you for the crit on 1+1=1. Your honesty was refreshing with both the criticism and the compliments, and I'm going to revise the piece after I'm finished critiquing yours.

Dear Sahara,

This expositional phrase, although about as simple as it gets, is solid.

On this fractured land the dried souls
will ascend from the prickly pears.

I didn't immediately understand these lines, but I suppose that's a given with any metaphorical writing.

All the ice-age farmers, from this fractured land,
will harvest 'til the trumpet blows; remember the orphans when they sing the words,
"O Death, where is your sting?"

Very poignant. I guess there are a lot of people who would rather die than live in that area.

The four winds won't collide with the abandoned land;
the land of the Ancestors.

Not sure what you mean by "the four winds," but I liked the Ancestors bit.

But when I arrive don't bring the gifts for the Mothers and then offer it to me
on a apron; the forefathers won't allow such a thing.

Love it. Shows America's backwards nature.

Children of the desert where are you going?
No-man's land bares no fruit neither here nor there.
This is the road of the exiles; where everyman must repent.

Where every man must repent, a year old or a hundred, huh. That is the attitude of the Sahara and that whole part of the world, isn't it. I liked the political statement here

This fractured land doesn't exist to me anymore.
This animate distortion, this scene of conquest
will soon dissolve as a nation.
And then you'll all know that Father
never liked his black Son

The last two lines were extremely "Dayumm!" to me, whether you are poking fun at bigoted people with this opinion, hold that opinion yourself, or are simply intellectually remarking on the fact that Africa as a whole is probably the least fortunate country in the world.

Yours Truly,
Sam Bigg.

The significance of the last name was not lost on me and I'm sure that was your intention. Overall a very political, intellectual, nice piece. 8/10.
#12
There is nothing here that I don't like. The symbolism and allusion are intertwined skilfully with the general theme. It is open to interpretation, but there are no loose ends. Of the three parts of Bigger I've read so far, this one is without a doubt my favorite. The multiple layers of meaning--both of which are simultaneously detail-oriented and encompassing enormous biblical allusions--is very powerful. Like Salman Rushdie's work, but brought down to a few stanzas as opposed to hundreds of pages. That's what good poetry does.

Also, I like behemoth-lines.
Quote by JustRooster
That's a shamanic incantation of truth if I ever heard one.