#1
I spent most of last year
Glancing at the gate around my home
Teaching the hounds how to bite
In case my body is found

Nobody will protect my sole
From the concrete they mix
Half stones, half bones
Disposal happens so the tale is never told

May be better off with a half assed homicide on a whim
My lintel isn't too strong, or so I'm told
While it dangles a wire used for power (the irony)
A chair can be gathered from the garage

The lintel that invited persons in, greeted them on their way out
Has done the same for I
But I never did the same for them.
Maybe thats why my sole can't touch the concrete.
At least the message is sent, to the one I'll never meet.

It is a poem for the most part. Crit for Crit.
Last edited by freshtunes at Mar 4, 2008,
#2
I like it man. Really strong writing, especially the first stanza. However, i think "Has done the same for I". I know you did it for style or so, but you use "I" again after the next word and annoys me a bit.

I like it though =]
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#3
Wow, I really dig that man. For some odd reason I pictured it as a NIN song. Anyways, great job. Well done.
Gear
Schecter C-1 Artist
Vox AD15VT
Epiphone EJ-200 Acoustic
#4
Thank you for the input. If there is a piece you would like me to view, give me a link.