#1
If you want a proper translation, PM me, if not just stick it into translator.com Or you can just read the way it sounds and tell me what you think of that. I'll return any serious comments.



Parpadeo… parpadeos…
Debajo de una farola,
de pie y al lado de la parada,
un fumador esta pensando
“¿Por qué cielos de España,
termináis el día llorando?”

Parpadeos… parpadeando.
Los cielos de gris tornados,
pasan al color de la antracita,
amenaza tormenta para el Sábado
y hoy solo es Martes.
“¿Por qué cielos de España,
termináis el día llorando?”

La colilla se filtra entre los riachuelos
de agua sucia que atraviesan la calle
y el fumador por un momento, alivio,
deja de pensar. La lluvia todavía
no se ha convertido en granizo.

Parpadeando parpadeado…vacila vacilando.
Muere la farola y el autobús no acaba de llegar.
“Habré de caminar hoy hasta a casa,
mal acompañado por las lagrimas de España
y el llanto silencioso de una nación ahogada.”
#2
This is quite a coincidence... btw, my poem is one of my first attempts of poetry in Spanish, so dont expect much... And i dont know if to crit in English or in Spanish... let's go with English... Also, i'm not much of a critiquer for Spanish poetry, but here goes...

Parpadeo… parpadeos…
Debajo de una farola,
de pie y al lado de la parada,
un fumador esta pensando
“¿Por qué cielos de España,
termináis el día llorando?”


i liked the first line, nice use of the elipses. the stanza sounds good. oh, one thing, the third line seems to take from the flow just a bit. takin away "y" and simply saying "de pie al lado de la parada," might work...

Parpadeos… parpadeando.
Los cielos de gris tornados,
pasan al color de la antracita,
amenaza tormenta para el Sábado
y hoy solo es Martes.
“¿Por qué cielos de España,
termináis el día llorando?”


i liked the second line a lot. and i lke this stanza too.

La colilla se filtra entre los riachuelos
de agua sucia que atraviesan la calle
y el fumador por un momento, alivio,
deja de pensar. La lluvia todavía
no se ha convertido en granizo.


nothing much to say... "alivio" seems like it's inserted in a random place... but it has a god effect there, i dont think u should change it, it just seems like a bad place for it as a single word, just dont do this too much i would say.

Parpadeando parpadeado…vacila vacilando.
Muere la farola y el autobús no acaba de llegar.
“Habré de caminar hoy hasta a casa,
mal acompañado por las lagrimas de España
y el llanto silencioso de una nación ahogada.”


i like the first line (typo in the second parpadeando, btw) the rhyme is quite nice. second lne is absolutely great "acaba de llegar" sounds very good (en ves de decir "no llega". third line: should it be, “Habré de caminar hoy hasta casa," (no "a"). Then the last two lines are very, very good. A very nice ending. i especially like the thought of a "nación ahogada".

Good job on this poem. It seems you're begining to write in Spanish as well? It was very good, it could be more thouhgt out and u could use more rhymes, just to get better, to expand limits so to speak... but we'll keep getting better... hopefully. Again, good job on this. I loved the meaning behind it too and the language. You're in spain right? they talk a lot better than us... sadly.

EDIT: wow, u beat me to crit, by a lot too. well, like i said, it's one of my firsts, actually, it's my first. and, yeah, i'll write on other topics, write a bit more like myself in English, cuz i dont yet have a poetic identity in Spanish. And yeah, i'll post it. And we will take over... yeah right.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Mar 4, 2008,
#4
It sounds rather cool, that of course being if my phonetic pronunciation actually works. Knowing my luck i'm just humming gibberish to myself though.