#1
One note
Is it all that you need?
Or maybe a chord
Oh can’t you see?

The words that we catch
The words that we breathe
Bring a song together
Beneath the sea

So you hold the guitar
You’re looking for more
But all you can do
Is stare at the floor.

It’s not in a note,
It’s not what you need
Just look in your heart
You have to believe

I know that sometimes
You can feel a lost
Wondering if the sounds
Will come at a cost

But all the sounds, they reveal
Something that’s true
Something that’s special
Something that’s new

The sweet melodies come,
With oh so great news
Or sometimes, maybe
With an everyday blues

But if the music gets you down,
Just raise a smile
‘Cause I can guarantee you,
It’ll stay for a while

Because its not in one note,
It’s not what you need
Just look in your heart,
You have to believe.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
Last edited by tatorbits at Mar 5, 2008,
#2
Am I right or is it quite cheerful blues song?

Quite a good job you did here, song is simple yet perfectly shows what you're trying to tell. It's all about playing from ya heart! Yet, some verses are better than the others, I'd say that kicking out a verse or two wouldn't hurt, the song would get more condensed.

Furthermore - this is a problem in many, many songs I crit here - the FLOW. It isn't equal everywhere, and since it's intended to be a bluesy song, then this specific 'feel' must be kept at all costs.


So you hold the guitar
You’re looking for more
But all you can do
Is stare at the floor.

Well lift your head high,
Can’t you see?
It’s right in front of you
In front of me


These two lines are shorter than the others, probably that was intended, but look how the flow is disrupted in the second stanza. Since in all other stanzas the amount of syllabes per line is the same, it's pretty awkward to do something like this.

Would you mind a little crit4crit? My song "Spaceship One" needs a bit of constructive criticism.
#3
lol yeah it is a cheerful blues song :P thanks for the crit Ill keep the flow in mind for future projects :P

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
#4
This was a very pleasant read. It is always nice to see hopeful songs on here as opposed to the normal death and despair. I do agree that there are some flow issues in here though. In addition to what the above poster stated, I also believe "little" in the sixth stanza should be changed. I just really got caught up on it and it isn't a strong enough word that it cannot be changed. Other than that, I think it is definitely a good song, just needs some fine tuning. But then again, don't all songs need fine tuning? If I were you I would just work on this in a couple weeks and see what you think of it then. By that time you may have thought of different words in different places or possibly a way to make the song more personal. I thought the beginning of the song was perfect though. It was a very interesting way to start the song and it pulled me in and made me want to read more. Overall I would say this is 7.5 or 8/10 but definitely has alot of potential if set to the right music. Keep up the good work and keep writing. If you get time I would like to hear what you think of any of the songs in my signature. The top three are the ones I am most concerned about though. Cheers!
#5
A crit for a crit.. I like this.. The rhyming is good which is something my style really lacks so I envy that about you. I get an uplifting feeling from this so that's always going to earn you kudos because the world is running short on that. Good job. My bad for posting this on your blog first..
#7
The words that we catch
The words that we breathe
Bring a song together
Beneath the sea

'beneath the trees'?


The sweet melodies come,
With oh so great news
Or sometimes, maybe
With an everyday blues

awesome!

So you hold a guitar
whileyou’re looking for more
But all you can do
Is stare at the floor.

i bolded my suggestions.

i would repeat the sweet melodies stanza again at the end.

good job

keep it up

-Tony