#1
ok so a while back i was doing a report on the greek idea of chaos, (basically just nothingness that existed before everything was made.) and i saw a quote from the author ovid who said "rather a crude and indigested mass, a lifeless lump, unfashioned and unframed, of jarring seeds and justly Chaos named". and ofcourse, this was the inspiration for the song. it began to take a different shape after the first verse but im ok with it.


Verse 1

unfashioned and unframed,
we lie here stricken and untamed,
unearthly echoes distant,
blamed for what was done.
disheartening feeling settles in,
reminder of our cardinal sin,
our vision swirling,dancing,
leaping from our eyes.

Chorus

And they claim its just a trick,
with formation of their rhetoric
an equilibrium from which we cant abstain.

Verse 2

covalent bonds begin to break,
with stress from every step we take,
The seeming dauntless task
of thoughtless energy.
start to blend in with the crowd
Our hearts and minds begin to cloud,
with every single thing
that we had once proclaimed.
_____________________

ok tell me what you think.
#2
i like that sounds good
Quote by andy_thomas
Were you by any chance, exposing your scrotum to an open flame?
#3
i like that sounds good
Quote by andy_thomas
Were you by any chance, exposing your scrotum to an open flame?
#4
srry wtf double past
Quote by andy_thomas
Were you by any chance, exposing your scrotum to an open flame?
#6
Quote by aaron6890
ok so a while back i was doing a report on the greek idea of chaos, (basically just nothingness that existed before everything was made.) and i saw a quote from the author ovid who said "rather a crude and indigested mass, a lifeless lump, unfashioned and unframed, of jarring seeds and justly Chaos named". and ofcourse, this was the inspiration for the song. it began to take a different shape after the first verse but im ok with it.


Verse 1

unfashioned and unframed,
we lie here stricken and untamed,
unearthly echoes distant,
blamed for what was done.
disheartening feeling settles in,
reminder of our cardinal sin,
our vision swirling,dancing,
leaping from our eyes.

This gives me the impression of humanity and how our faults throughout time have come back to haunt us. Really solid, and I wouldn't change a thing.
Chorus

And they claim its just a trick,
with formation of their rhetoric
an equilibrium from which we cant abstain.

This is good too, but perhaps make it a smidgeon longer? Unless it's meant to be sung slower and more drawn out? Then it would work.
Verse 2

covalent bonds begin to break,
with stress from every step we take,
The seeming dauntless task
of thoughtless energy.
start to blend in with the crowd
Our hearts and minds begin to cloud,
with every single thing
that we had once proclaimed.

Again, why would I bother even trying to edit this? It's really damn good; I am extremely impressed.
_____________________

ok tell me what you think.


Here's what I think: If you create more verses as good as those, you are in the business, my friend. That is really good. Gives me the impression of a metal-esque type song. As I said before, I am impressed. If you could, just crit one of my poems in my sig; I'm not partial to either. Thanks.

Mark