#1
Meant as a song and it flows with the music i have so forgive the lack of fluidity between verses.

Life is what you make of it
Not what you spend
How much would you give away
and surrender in the end

Should we forget dangerous dreams,
For certain expected sufferings?
Do we retreat into mothers arms,
Or battle it through times black charms.

You There!
Always looking through your eyes,
Wondering what’s beyond the skies.
Can you close them?!
I can see for you just fine
You’ll be happily surprised
With what we’ve chosen,
For…..you.

It was only a dream to be
Father time wandered by
Leaving you to see…
That.
The things that you missed will never be
You’ve drowned all your dreams in rich misery
old shrines forgotten no amber youth
gold for sunshine and ghouls for truth

-Mostly about having your dreams polluted/influenced
Critisize/ give me some feedback, Thanks for reading.
Last edited by WeepingGuitar at Mar 5, 2008,
#2
reminiscent of Hey you.... Nice man.
"Strangers passing in the street, by chance two separate glances meet, and I am you and what I see is me."
#3
I love the flow this has.
Such sweet poetry.

"You There!
Always looking through your eyes,
Wondering what’s beyond the skies.
Can you close them?!
I can see for you just fine
You’ll be happily surprised
With what we’ve chosen,
For…..you. "

I absolutely love this...
#4
very nice I can definitely put the words over the tune to Hey You. Just be careful a wise man once said:the secret of being original, is hiding your influences.
when writing a song with another song in mind it's easy to get trapped into the same rhythm and melody.
It would be really cool if you think about it to be one of the phenomenon's like the message you get from Playing Stairway to Heaven or Abbey Road backward or how Dark side of the moon matches with The Wizard of Oz.
So do whats necessary to make your song original.
#6
Develop the third and fourth stanzas, they're the ones with potential. I was interested in the confrontational tone and can imagine that being effective in a song. The question asked in stanza two doesn't seem to fit with the tone and could perhaps ruin the feeling. I think you've got your style down in stanza three especially and if you can manage to set the scene and establish the feeling at the beginning of the song, you'd have a much stronger piece in my opinion. I'll try get to your other one in the next couple of days, since I don't know how much help I was with this.
#9
You There!
Always looking through your eyes,
Wondering what’s beyond the skies.
Can you close them?!


Since you mentioned it was Pink Floyd influenced, I can't not hear this going syllable by syllable along with "Hey You". I'm sure the music and rhythm is completely different, but try not to mention the inspiration in the future, as it give the reader (me) a preconceived idea of how your piece should sound, instead of letting me discover it myself.