#2
Finalize and attack. Interesting way to start a piece...

The Command has been given, sir.
Shall we press on toward the heaven below?
Shall we arise to our calling?
Shall we descend toward victory? I didn't see any real problems with this, but it just didn't really grab me and draw me in.

Command recalled.

The Command has been recalled, sir.
Shall we stand down?
Shall we back away from our calling?
Shall we ascend toward defeat? I know that you wrote this to be the exact opposite of the first stanza, so it's kinda predictable, however I can see how it's somewhat necessary as well, so I don't suggest you change it


Hesitated.
Some are born great,
others to flinch.
Failure. I loved this, except for "Failure." at the very end. But that still does little to change the fact that I thought this part was great, even though it wasn't a huge part of the song


Conversation initiated. Interesting shift from militant to social. When I first read this, it kinda threw me for a loop and I wanted to see where this was going

Sir, your whole life built to this.
That moment was yours to take.
The command came, you did not.
What is your reason? No complaints here

Conversation recalled.

Sir, why do you not speak?
Have you no excuse?
Why do you not lead?
Why do you not control? After I saw this, I saw what you'd been building up to with this. No complaints here.


Muted.
Pressure can force
even the strong to
cut out their own tongues. Good finish, I think it capped off the song nicely.

I've read some of your other stuff, and it was incredible, so I have to agree with you that this piece wasn't the best-written out of them. I didn't think the writing was terrible, it was still a good deal better than much of what is seen on this forum (hell, much of the stuff I write). However, the fact that this piece is meaningful to you gives it real merit. I'm not sure how you might improve the writing, since the problem as I see it isn't with rhythm or rhyme or word choice, it's mostly with the approach you took to the subject. For writing without inspiration, I think you did quite well. If you could crit "Illiterate", I'd appreciate it. Thanks
#3
yea, I sincerely hated this, and the title was stupid (even if Jenny the Ferret was someone close to you)

It might be okay if it werent for the title and the silly way it's presented.