#1
what would your opening joke be? Be original, don't repeat other comics stuff.

Mine:

"I spent a long time thinking about how I wanted to open this tonight, I finally decided to start political. That way, I won't offend to many people to begin with.

So, I'm one of few guys who still likes Bush. Yeah, I know. Seems everyone has moved on to this "clean shaven twat thing. It's nice everyone once in a while.... but I still prefer a naturale."

Or something to that effect.
#2
"I spent a long time thinking about how I wanted to open this tonight, I finally decided to start political. That way, I won't offend to many people to begin with.

So, I'm one of few guys who still likes Bush. Yeah, I know. Seems everyone has moved on to this "clean shaven twat thing. It's nice everyone once in a while.... but I still prefer au naturale."


that's mine. Im so original
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Cause there music is heavy.


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#4
Q. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a road?
A. We are Devo!
two and a half men.
#5
This is my second stand-up gig, my first one didn't go that well.
Apparently nobody knows what the deal with airline food is anymore.
#6
Not sure, really.

All I know is I wish you could cover comedians, like take your favorite bits by other comedians and, as long as you give them credit, just interpret and tell the joke your own way.

I've memorised so many stand up albums that I feel like I should put it to use somehow.


But, really, I have no idea. I've never thought about it. I've always wanted to be a stand up comedian, but I don't know how I would go about it.
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#7
Quote by SeveralSpecies
I would walk out on stage with an absolutely enormous erection.

Prop comedy? Tasteless...
two and a half men.
#8
Quote by SeveralSpecies
I would walk out on stage with an absolutely enormous erection.


Pure comic genius.
#9
Quote by Rhythm__Guitar
This is my second stand-up gig, my first one didn't go that well.
Apparently nobody knows what the deal with airline food is anymore.



#10
Quote by Cameronrobson
Prop comedy? Tasteless...



You know you would laugh!


I would then pull the mic out of my pants and begin the show!
#12
*walks on stage not facing audience*
* turns and sees audience*
Oh hi, didn't see you there..
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#13
Hey guys. I'm so glad to be here tonight.
fght ff yr dmns. wrt sngs n yr slp. fight yr dmns your DEMONS. w lv y. w mss y. i lv y s mch tht t hrts m hd.
#14
Quote by RPGoof
someone just got owned
I'd walk out and say the N word, then leave.


Is the comedic part when you got your face smashed in?
I've been here since '04.

#15
I would start by asking someone in the audience to stand up, I'd go out, and shake thier hand, stand FAR too close them, and just see what they do, and if they got hostile, I'd act like a pussy, but if they just took it, I'd see how long they'd put up with it, or start yelling att them really loud.
ALWAYS

WANNA BE WITH YOU,
MAKE BELIEV
E WITH YOU,
AND L
IVE IN HARMONY, HARMONY,



OH, LOOVE!
#16
Quote by Jimmyyoung
*walks on stage not facing audience*
* turns and sees audience*
Oh hi, didn't see you there..


That rocks so hard OH MY GOD I JUST CAME IN MY PANTS.
two and a half men.
#18
Quote by SeveralSpecies
You know you would laugh!


I would then pull the mic out of my pants and begin the show!



haha nice.

oh and jimmyyoung.....only stewie griffin makes that still funny
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#19
I just flew in from New Jersey, and boy, are my arms tired!

Nah.

"Hey, how ya doin? Good to be back in New York, my parole recently expired so they let me come back "

And here's a free joke:

"Ever notice, how black people have two different stereotypes? There's one that's like Michael Jackson, always dancing with a high voice, and then there the other half, who all look like rapists. "
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#20
well, since I don't have any bones I'd be more of an amorphous blob comedian... oh man, I gotta write that down!
#21
Q. What do you get when you cross Matt Damon with Matt Damon?
A. Matt Damon!
two and a half men.
#22
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One of them asks the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
time machine. Inadvertently, I had created a
#23
"Have you ever had a boner in front of a large group of people?

Yep, thats happening to me right about now...?"
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YOU MOTHER GET UP, come on get DOWN WITH THE BUTTSECKS!
YOU FUCKER GET UP, come on get DOWN WITH THE BUTTSECKS!
BUTTSECKS IS THE GIFT THAT HAS BEEN GIVEN TO ME!


#24
You people aren't going to believe what I am about to tell you. There is this place called the "Pit"....
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I can fap to this. Keep going.
#25
Quote by Jackal58
You people aren't going to believe what I am about to tell you. There is this place called the "Pit"....

Lies!
two and a half men.
#26
Quote by Cameronrobson
Lies!

I wouldn't lie to you. At least not about that...
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
You should be careful what you say. Some asshole will probably sig it.

Quote by Axelfox
Yup, a girl went up to me in my fursuit one time.

Quote by Xiaoxi
I can fap to this. Keep going.
#27
Quote by SeveralSpecies
You know you would laugh!


I would then pull the mic out of my pants and begin the show!


Haha, I would laugh at that.

I would come on, trip up while walking across the stage, start crying then insult the audience and blame them then run off the stage, still crying and tripping up on my way off.
You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away.
#28
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, first I'd like to thank the sponsors of the show for allowing this to go down tonight. That's right, tonight's show is brought to you by Al's Abortion Clinic. "If he doesn't pull it out we sure will" and Cyclopse Male Dancers. "Wait till you see our One eyed monsters"
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#29
Oh I got one.


I would wheel out on stage in a wheel-chair, and then fall over out of my chair halfway to the mic. Screaming in anguish in my attempt to crawl to the mic, and with everyone laughing, I finall get to the mic-stand, knock it over, pick up the mic, and say:

"Some stand up comedian I am huh?"
#30
Heeey alright! Thank you.. No, please, thank-...thank you! No no, you're too kind. "Tha...thaaank you. Yeah thaaaank you. It's great to be here in (insertnameoftownhere)! So I (insert amusing anectdote about the trip in/arriving at the hotel/the cab ride to the gig/children)"

That's about the gist of it But really, I'd probably open it something like this...

Alright, it's great to be here in (insertnameoftownhere). You know, T.V. has gotten really crazy over the last few years. Seriously man, remember what t.v. used to be like? You know, they had shows like Happy Days and Growing Pains y'know, good wholesome shows that taught you lessons. Everyone would crowd around the t.v. as a family "OOH THE BRADY BUNCH IS ON! HONEY BRING THE KIDS TO THE BUNCH! THE BUNCH OF BRADY'S ARE ON! HURRY UP, YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT! THIS LADY HAS ALREADY MET THIS FELLOW, HURRY UP!" and the kids would crowd around "Oh yay, they became the Brady Bunch that's so fantastic!" And they'd all learn a valuable lesson about life, right? Now look at what we have. The Sopranos. Now don't get me wrong, I love that show. When Tony starts breathing through his nose like he's suffering a mild heart attack I actually smile. I love that show man, but we draw nothing out of it. It's not like Fonzie is about to fight someone and Richie talks him out of it at the last second and The Fonz swallows his pride, smacks the juke box and everyone boogies while the credits roll. Now-a-days, Tony is blowing away his cousin with a shotgun for talking to the FBI. That's what we draw from television now-a-days. Hey, HEY! Hey, you do the right think do you know whats gonna happen? BADABING! Some fat Italian is gonna shoot you, that's what. So keep your mouth shut! HEY! KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT! And game shows! Oh man, game shows now a days. We've got that Deal or No Deal now. That fuckin' banker. I would not trust that man to pay. You never see his face, and he can't be arsed to get his fat ass on the stairs and deal with you face to face. What sort of banker is this? Then there's Howie Mandel, comedian turned host of crap show. Oh man, I hope that never happens to me. He just stands there and smiles. He knows man, he knows. He's screwing you up the ass and he knows it. My family man, they love watching that show too so every now and then I have to sit through it. I don't even pay attention to the show, I play my own little game. I try to see how many pieces of stage equipment I can see reflected in Howies dome. Howies asking what's in the case and I'm already cheering. "A MICROPHONE A MICROPHONE! Oh Howie, you have a reflective scalp my friend." I don't know what I'll ever do if he gets a wig.


Weak material, I know. This is why I'll never be a comedian
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "if I live I will kill you."
"If I die, you are forgiven."
Such is the rule of honour.
#31
I got one...

I come out naked, then grease my self up with canola oil. Then I kick everyone's ass.
two and a half men.
#34
Quote by The4thHorsemen
ManWithoutAHat, I can't believe I just read that whole thing...


AHA! 120 seconds of you're life you'll never get back. Those seconds are mine now! MINE! But seriously, sorry for wasting your time
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "if I live I will kill you."
"If I die, you are forgiven."
Such is the rule of honour.
#35
"I'm sorry to interrupt proceedings folks, but I have a bomb strapped to my chest.

If at any time during this speech anyone laughs I'll detonate it."

(Proceeds to tell audience about being abused as a child in a convincing manner, but Benny Hill music starts playing).
#36
Quote by ManWithoutAHat
AHA! 120 seconds of you're life you'll never get back. Those seconds are mine now! MINE! But seriously, sorry for wasting your time


Hey, hey.

You wasted my time, too.
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#37
Quote by Gunpowder
Hey, hey.

You wasted my time, too.



Hey, you didn't have to read it. I thought the average pit monkey scattered at the first sign of a wall of text anyways. But for what it's worth, THAT'S MY TIME NOW BITCH!
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "if I live I will kill you."
"If I die, you are forgiven."
Such is the rule of honour.