#1
An intensely personal poem for me, treading old subject matter that I promised myself I wouldn't delve back into, but it's...I don't know, it's how I define myself I guess, which is pathetic.

Anyway enjoy, leave a link. c4c


Frog, Mrs. Rabbit, And Pelican All Look For Bunnies In Their Imaginary Forest


I've had her taken
from my hands, and
the only thing I've got
left are strands. Pieces
of hair dangling limp
through fingers that
trace the creases in her
folded shirt.


The forest behind my house was illuminated with a drenched purple glow from the flowers that had grown in a sunlit patch. The trees were a bright, wet green and everything was soaked with a morning dampness. Everything was so high in contrast I thought, this doesn't look like real life. There was no one around and I sat quietly on a rock reading the only thing she'd ever given me. A copy of an unfinished short story she wrote in her senior year. It was about talking animals in an imaginary forest. I decided to finish it for her.

"There's nothing left, Mrs. Rabbit." Frog said as he was rummaging through the floor of the charred forest.
Mrs. Rabbit hopped over to Frog and asked politely. "Have you found anything yet?" Mrs. Rabbit asked.
"No, nothing yet."
"Please, if you find my nest underneath the foliage, let me know, my babies must be starving by now."
"Oh, certainly. Mrs. Rabbit."

Her eyes always left behind,
caught in wicker baskets
filled with smudged
bottles of liqueur. I've never
stood under the crushing
weight of her fake calm,
rushing blood from her
cuticle onto her fingernail
rusts into my palm.

As Mrs. Rabbit slowly woke from a dreary dream, she remembered when the forest caught fire. She quickly rushed to the side of her children and held them close, keeping them safe from the intense hunger of the heat. She recalled the story to Frog while he listened intently.
"I never knew you went through such hardships." Frog said to her.
"It's not a hardship if you decide to do it."
"That's true." Frog looked into the air and saw Pelican swoop down.
"I've found something! I've found something!" Pelican chortled out of his wide, wet mouth.

Maybe it's the stir of
words that have kept my
bitterness so far away, she
slept underneath a Raleigh
bridge, just west of an Atlantic
Bay. Ripped panties from boys
she saw so gold, yet from the
cast on the line to the bait
in her bonnet her kiss had gotten old.


Pelican picked up both Frog and Mrs. Rabbit in his mouth and flew quickly to a small clearing in the forest and let them down onto the soft, moist ground. Mrs. Rabbit scuttled quickly to an overturned rock and saw her three children huddled together for warm. She went to hug them but noticed they weren't breathing. She began to cry, and so did Mr. Pelican and Frog. Frog bounced over to her, "Please, please don't cry, Mrs. Rabbit." He gently wiped away the tears from under her eyes. "They are in a better place now." She began to smile slightly and put her head down. She looked up towards the sky, and then looked back at Frog.

"I'm sad Frog, but look closer, look in the middle." Frog walked over to Mrs. Rabbit's children and saw a small violet flower blooming in the middle of them. "I wouldn't have had this happen any other way." Mrs. Rabbit said softly.

We left such beautiful words
behind in a kind Autumn, I sat
on wooden steps shoved under
a bright moon, a pond beside me
listened politely as we said goodbye
far too soon. I told her about the
girl I'd fallen in love with, and she
told me about the boy she was moving
in with.

A pause.

She said she wouldn't have had
this happen any other way.
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Last edited by Something_Vague at Mar 6, 2008,
#2
Starts as a poetic verse, and transcends into a wordy story. Transcend? Hmm, wrong word choice, perhaps. I disliked the move.

Peculiar imagery, rather vivid descriptions, but since you were going for the effect, I was mildly disappointed that so few parts were developed. The characters were slightly vague and the setting is a gaping hole up until the end. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, but the overall song hinted that you would deliver these items.

But I digress.

Nothing sounds forced, the flow is nice and smooth, and it conjures an oddly powerful story. Very nice. The ending was slightly abrupt. Understandable, but the actual ending itself lacked the punch promised.

Overall, good song. Very good, in fact, compared to what I've been reading so far.
#3
Most of the time I think your metaphors and images are over the top, but I loved this. The way you combined the verse parts with the short story was great and I think this is what kept me interested. There were two storylines developing and I really wanted to know how they both ended.
I really liked your images this time. Your descriptions are so beautiful and you really drag your reader in. I realise I'm sucking **** right now, so I might aswell keep going. I've said this before but you really have.. a feeling for flow (if that makes sense). Your pieces always read so fluently.

What a cocksucking party. I might come back once I find something bad about this.
#5
Matt, this is probably the best thing I've ever read from you. When you want to, you can make people swell up tears, which is what you almost did to me.

The first stanza was actually pretty dull, but it doesn't need to be impressive.

Other than that, goddamn son.
Poor advice.
#6
the imagery in this made me feel bad about myself. i might come back for a full crit if i can muster up the courage.
#7
What? My poetry can reduce people's self esteem? I must be a demigod
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#9
just to say my piece:

I spit, hope thats not a problem.

This is the style you always wanted to achieve but always had too much metaphor. Now that you've narrowed your scope of words and styles it's just... awesome.

The short lined stanzas are the kind that I've always desired to write but never have been able to.

Dylan gives you 3 thumbs up.
#10
ive always hated to give you compliments but this is pretty impressive. nice work
#11
*bows* Oh my God, you had me entranced. I'm in class right now, but I'll get back to this tonight hopefully.

PS. When I read about the young rabbits dying and a flower springing up between them, I was reminded of that concept in Wilson Rawlings' "Where The Red Fern Grows" ; it really worked in your favour. I'll be sure to come back to this.
#13
Thanks everyone for the positive words, this is the first piece I've been really proud of lately, so thank you all.
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#14
Well, this is something I can tell I am going to have to look over a few more times to ge tthe full grasp of it. I enjoyed the structure, quite original, and the Rabbit story I thought was kind of touching, almost reminded my of an episode of mature Bambi or Winni the pooh, which I guess isn't a bad thing.

I could feel the effort put into this, which is always a good thing.
#18
Congratulations.

I loved the bit which was aligned left, the actual story thing I didn't care for too much.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#19
congrats. i dont want to go off topic but quick question,
what are the chances you are still in touch with duke/initforthefashion? just wondering cause i havent heard from him in a long time.
#20
the last time I heard from duke was about two years ago, when I knew him mutually through rachel and I know rachel hasn't kept in touch with anyone on UG, at least when I last talked to her in september.
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