#1
Dunno if this should by a songlyric or a poem, but just say what you think of it Edit: Crit for Crit


"These days he can only scream,
at things he loathes now,
things that were beloved before.
Anything he longed to be,
anything, something,
he used to feel, died.
He's just like his feelings these days,
so far from prosperous.

These nights he can only turn,
around in his bed,
lying wide awake,
staring at his past, laughing in his face,
like a cruel clown, shooting acid 'stead of water,
out of something like a black flower,
a black flower,
so far from beautiful.

Gone,
is the day, when words meant truth,
when love meant honesty,
when youth meant freedom,
when growth meant opportunity,
when life just meant something...

These days, he realized,
anything is twisted just how it fits,
words become lies,
youth becomes imprisonment,
growth becomes wrong directions,
life becomes slavery...

These days and nights he knows,
are just there to make it through,
maybe one day he can make it better,
than the ones he loathes,
maybe one day,
life will be worth living... again"
Last edited by OldNo[7]Brand( at Mar 5, 2008,
#3
Not really. It's just a slow day for S&L.

My comment? Nice.

Sorry but I'm out of creative juice for a proper critique. Because I insist on long-winded detailed critiques, and therefore, I'll pass this till tomorrow. But do crit mine. I'll get round to yours. Lol.
#5
[quote="OldNo[7"]Brand( ]"These days he can only scream,
at things he loathes now,
things that were beloved before.
Anything he longed to be,
anything, something,
he used to feel, died.
He's just like his feelings these days,
so far from prosperous.

Excellent. This flowed naturally and had a strong scence of uniqueness through out, the only thing left to say if that you shouldn't add so many commas, apart from that this was amazing.

These nights he can only turn,
around in his bed,
lying wide awake,
staring at his past, laughing in his face,
like a cruel clown, shooting acid 'stead of water,
out of something like a black flower,
a black flower,
so far from beautiful.

I loved this, you manage moved from stanza 1 to 2 without losing that impact that you cerated from the first stanza effortlessly; Excellent.

Gone,
is the day, when words meant truth,
when love meant honesty,
when youth meant freedom,
when growth meant opportunity,
when life just meant something...

I think it would have been better if you'd this attached to another stanza instead of its own, i just thought it would've given this stanza a stronger feel. But this was great none-the-less

These days, he realized,
anything is twisted just how it fits,
words become lies,
youth becomes imprisonment,
growth becomes wrong directions,
life becomes slavery...

The elipses didn't quite work well in this stanza and neither did the word 'Twisted'. 'Twisted' is an ugly word maybe you should rephrase that entire line.

These days and nights he knows,
are just there to make it through,
maybe one day he can make it better,
than the ones he loathes,
maybe one day,
life will be worth living... again"

You didn't pull of 'loathes' in the same esscence that you did on the first stanza, this time it just felt random. Some of the phrasing felt cliche maybe you could have a look at that and try to see what you yourself make from it.

Overall this was brillient i enjoyed myself while reading and i'll be waiting to read more from you.
#6
Quote by Bleed Away
Overall this was brillient i enjoyed myself while reading and i'll be waiting to read more from you.


Thank you nice critique I think you ´re pretty right with what you say I´m gonna take a look at it again, thanks
#7
I love the second verse, minus the part about teh acid. I don't know how it could have been improved though, acid is justa really "hard" word that seems to REALLy stick out. Maybe that's the point, because of what acid tends to do.

Do you mind sharing what this was influenced by?
#8
Hard to say, I just wrote it down, sleepless nights and somehow it´s about revenge but i don´t wanna explain exactly if u don´t mind