#1
I have no time to breathe,
The hairs on my neck start standing right up,
And you have been left lying so still.
I don’t know what to see,
Now please would you stand up?
The silence builds as the room begins to chill,
And then I start to run.

I have no time to breathe,
What have I done, what have I done?
I’m losing the chance to breathe
And I’m wondering, what have I become?

I’m scared; I must find some help,
But with no idea where to go, I’m so terrified.
You remain restless in a constant standstill.
I’m stunned; and cannot help but yell,
What the hell have I done, I don’t know,
Wait whilst my lungs start to refill,
And then I’m on the run.

I have no time to breathe,
What have I done, what have I done?
I’m losing the chance to breathe
And I’m wondering, what have I become?

(Bridge)

II have no time to breathe,
What have I done, what have I done?
I’m losing the chance to breathe
And I’m wondering, what have I become?


Crit 4 Crit.
Last edited by Lum at Mar 8, 2008,
#2
Quote by Lum
I have no time to breathe,
The hairs on my neck start standing right up,
And you have been left lying so still.
I don’t know what to see,
Now please would you stand up?
The silence builds as the room begins to chill,
And then I start to run.

I like the description, "the hairs on my neck", gives a good impression of a sensation to kick off the song, and also, perhaps entice the listener to have a similar sensation. I love the next two lines, makes me think perhaps the character is too ashamed or scared of what to see. Wow. It just hit me. He's running from a murder or someone dieing? The fact that she isn't getting up when prompted and the panic that ensures. Wow. Brilliant.

I have no time to breathe,
What have I done, what have I done?
I’m losing the chance to breathe
And I’m wondering, what have I become?

Excellent. Carries the panic from the verse brilliantly. The repetition adding to the panic. Perhaps you could replace "I'm losing the chance to breathe" with someone more...slithery? "I'm losing the battle to breathe"? So that your bouncing off the repetitions of the previous line, giving a greater sense of rythym.

I’m scared; I must find some help,
I’ve no idea where to go, I’m so terrified.
I have come to a constant standstill.
I’m stunned; So I begin to yell,
What the hell have I done I don’t know,
Wait whilst my lungs start to refill,
And then I’m on the run.

Again. The brilliance continues. Probably the magnum opus of the piece. My only critism is the use of "I", I realise your speaking from a first person perspective, but maybe you wanna cut down on it, because the listener will still know who your talking about.

I have no time to breathe,
What have I done, what have I done?
I’m losing the chance to breathe
And I’m wondering, what have I become?


(Bridge)

II have no time to breathe,
What have I done, what have I done?
I’m losing the chance to breathe
And I’m wondering, what have I become?


Crit 4 Crit.
Excellent piece of writing. Keep up the good work.
#3
My crits shall be in red.


Quote by Lum
I have no time to breathe,
The hairs on my neck start standing right up,
And you have been left lying so still.
I don’t know what to see,
Now please would you stand up?
The silence builds as the room begins to chill,
And then I start to run.

I think this verse is great. It kinda pulls you into the song. In the second line, i dont think the word "right" should be there. just say standing up. But great first verse.


I have no time to breathe,
What have I done, what have I done?
I’m losing the chance to breathe
And I’m wondering, what have I become?

Good. I like the "i have no time to breath" and the "i'm losing the chance to breathe" it kinda fits together. And i think that it really gets the song going.

I’m scared; I must find some help,
I’ve no idea where to go, I’m so terrified.
I have come to a constant standstill.
I’m stunned; So I begin to yell,
What the hell have I done I don’t know,
Wait whilst my lungs start to refill,
And then I’m on the run.

There are a couple things I would change about this. I think the part where it says "What the hell have I done I dont know" should either have a comma between "done" and "I" or it should be phrased more like "I dont know what the hell I have done" also, whilst could be while, but thats not a change that anyone would really notice nor would it change the quality. I dont mind the word, but it could be changed if wanted. Thats completly optional to you. (:

I have no time to breathe,
What have I done, what have I done?
I’m losing the chance to breathe
And I’m wondering, what have I become?

Once again, good(:

(Bridge)

II have no time to breathe,
What have I done, what have I done?
I’m losing the chance to breathe
And I’m wondering, what have I become?

Still good, I like the repeat of the chorus (:

Crit 4 Crit.
I am expecting a crit back! lol. its in my sig.



Overall, a very good song! I Liked it a lot! Great visualnessesss.......xD and just an overall good song! Crit me back!
Last edited by 18zzz18 at Mar 7, 2008,
#4
There's not much I can say that hasn't already been mentioned... I liked the chorus, it's catchy and memorable, it really adds something. Flow is generally good, but it slips up a bit in these two lines: "I’m scared; I must find some help, I’ve no idea where to go, I’m so terrified." They just don't seem to work well next to each other, maybe different word choice would help? Overall I thought this was a strong piece, especially the first verse, which is useful since it made me want to read on Good work.