#1
Dreaming of summer skies,
Memories in endless Polaroid’s,
Vapour trails upon cloudy highs,
To reach heaven you need no sky,
Jet plane soars out of sight,
Pleasantly blinded by a perfect light,
Days like this makes even computers dream,

Chorus
In the end we’re all just dust,
Compounded by theories and lust,
Watching planets collide,
Like lovers lips on St Valentines,

The machine whispers a silent hymn,
Made of steel destroyed on a whim,
Suns fingers on my flesh and bones,
Dreams so high not of this blue sky,
Planets beyond where humans lie,
Keep my feet on the ground,
As the dream machine lumbers on,

Thinking back so long ago,
Towering clouds where did you go?
She didn’t steal the sun,
But on machines my heart will run,
Kiss it all with the love of your eye,
It’ll all be gone in a blink,
I am born of no sky,


Inspired by The Matrix partly.
#2
So If I crit your song you gota crit mine....
No crits yet, desperately waiting to improve...
Check out 'Time to Breathe'

Dreaming of summer skies,
Memories in endless Polaroid’s,
Vapour trails upon cloudy highs,
To reach heaven you need no sky,
Jet plane soars out of sight,
Pleasantly blinded by a perfect light,
Days like this makes even computers dream,

I thought the starting line set the scene well, plus a nice bit of alliteration, i could somehow see it turning into a love song (which is neither bad or good), but i did think it was a little cliche. However, the second line did a great job of turning it out of the cliche and that was the line that got me thinking so brillant line there. I like the way you have referred to a jet plane on the third line, but dont mention it until the fifth line, where it has gone.... I thought that was clever. Im not sure about the whole heaven idea, (im a non believer).... plus you have rhymed sky twice. Good sixth line, loving the last line.

Chorus
In the end we’re all just dust,
Compounded by theories and lust,
Watching planets collide,
Like lovers lips on St Valentines,

Not to keen on the chorus, The whole idea of being dust makes me feel a bit inadequate... Its just saying 'no one cares about you' on the first line of a chorus....Lol its true, but no one likes hearing that. Again, second line true.... but not so keen on the lust idea, i would have left it at 'compounded by theories'....
last to lines great i think i like the false rhyme think it works well here


The machine whispers a silent hymn,
Made of steel destroyed on a whim,
Suns fingers on my flesh and bones,
Dreams so high not of this blue sky,
Planets beyond where humans lie,
Keep my feet on the ground,
As the dream machine lumbers on,

Again, a great end to the verse. But you've used a different rhyme scheme as the first verse.... I love the use of personification, your making the machine have feelings which is brilliant as im feeling myself like this machine.... Y would it be destroyed though? Not to sure about that. Suns fingers on my flesh and bones, seems to be a good line, good alliteration, but im thinking maybe a little to much personifiaction as now the sun has character. Maybe just keep the machine alive. The 4th line doesnt follow colloquial speech, and it seems to break the flow, I would change this. However i see you have ended both lines of the verse on sky, which is good, but im not sure if the lines work. Ending of verse is gr8, personification again, good with the machine. Lumbers <-----Gr8 word!

Are you going to put the chorus here?
Then maybe an instrumental bridge?


Thinking back so long ago,
Towering clouds where did you go?
She didn’t steal the sun,
But on machines my heart will run,
Kiss it all with the love of your eye,
It’ll all be gone in a blink,
I am born of no sky,

Last Verse pretty good, But im struggling to make sense of it. 'love of your eye'??? I dont know if i can find a way to understand that, but im getting the reference to the eye with blink, so is that something important?-----

I am born with no sky is a great line, again great endings for the verses. She didnt steal the sun!!! bloody amazing lolz, i can see it being one of those power lines, which is sung with an emphasis, where the listener waits for that one line in the verse just to sing it.

Are you gonna end with the chorus?

All in all have not alot of bad things to say, I had to be very picky....
9/10
Brilliant imagery, great idea....
#3
Epic.

Quote by FreedomFighter
Dreaming of summer skies,
Memories in endless Polaroid’s,
Vapour trails upon cloudy highs,
To reach heaven you need no sky,
Jet plane soars out of sight,
Pleasantly blinded by a perfect light,
Days like this makes even computers dream,

Chorus
In the end we’re all just dust,
Compounded by theories and lust,
Watching planets collide,
Like lovers lips on St Valentines,

Great beginning, and the first verse verges on sublime. Delectably phrased and out-of-the-ordinary imagery. Twisting and turning images and metaphors.

Odd chorus. But I love your word arrangement.
Quote by FreedomFighter

The machine whispers a silent hymn,
Made of steel destroyed on a whim,
Suns fingers on my flesh and bones,
Dreams so high not of this blue sky,
Planets beyond where humans lie,
Keep my feet on the ground,
As the dream machine lumbers on,

Thinking back so long ago,
Towering clouds where did you go?
She didn’t steal the sun,
But on machines my heart will run,
Kiss it all with the love of your eye,
It’ll all be gone in a blink,
I am born of no sky,

The most interesting thing about your writing is that it is, dare I say, remarkably unique to a certain extent. Very ambitious for a song. Beautiful main idea, and I love the way you branched out into various different channels that explore your command of the song.

I am born of no sky. Epic ending. Genuinely impressed.
#4
Thanks so much for the crit. It really really was not expected. Thanks.

I have crited you both back.