#1
Hey guys, I don't believe I've ever posted in the section of the forum before. I'm not a poet, and this is just something I did during one of my "creative outbursts", but I figured it was interesting enough to post. Any comments, negative or positive, are welcome!


As I am born
I am pasted down onto the crumbly soil of the natural earth
And I provide a pathway, on which I lead
Into another direction and another dimension
But I am only following a road
That has already been to those places
And in an instant I am a thousand different people
Or only a single one, depending on the time of day
Because I am plain, as I provide a pathway on which others will follow
As they experience an extraordinary occurrence
That I know only from watching others
And even as thousands of people, or only one
Beat me down, I find it a necessity to provide them a vortex
Through which they travel to their daily lives
Yet as important as I am, there are a million of me
And when a thousand people, or only just one,
Departs my presence for another, only a thousand blemishes separate us both
Yet to the untrained eye, a thousand means nothing, as not even one is decipherable
From the next.
And Cedric Bixler-Zavala once said that “the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens,” but it depends on the spectacles you actually wear, because I can see much more in a day, than one person, or a thousand, could see in a lifetime
But it depends on the kind of lifetime you actually possess
Because Bill Clinton once said that
“big things are expected of us, and nothing big ever came from being small,”
But that really depends on whether or not you consider the little people important.
And it really depends on who said it, but it really doesn’t matter
Because if the quote has no name, it’s a statement
And like I said, I am a statement,
As I modernize and urbanize the pre-historic world in which we live in,
Cedric Bixler-Lavia and Bill Clinton could never imagine what I’ve seen
And I could travel through time, because memories are imprinted on me,
In the most literal sense of the word, I preserve an impression exactly the way a thousand people, or just one intended, unless the elements feel the need to interfere.
And when the elements interfere, I am defiled, but it is in no way any different
To the thousand people, or one person, that use me as a guiding force, in a way that only an inanimate object can
And Andy Warhol once said that “in the future, everybody will be world famous for 15 minutes” and although I may travel into the past, Andy Warhol can clearly travel into the future, because that quote is from 1968
And it’s almost like Andy Warhol was seeing what I’ve seen, because 15 minutes can mean the 7 seconds they are world famous to me, or the lifetime that I can know from a footprint, but never understand
So technically I have been world famous for a lifetime, because whether a thousand people, or just one, employ me today, tomorrow, I have no idea what’s going to happen.
I am a sidewalk.

The line breaks aren't always supposed to be flow-explainers, so...
Last edited by KetchupLad14 at Mar 8, 2008,
#3
Quote by x-Doody_Dude-x
not sure how thw rhytm goes....

But pretty damn good

no, there's not really a rhythm. I just started writing, and didn't stop. In fact, like I said, sometimes I didn't even change lines, so some lines are too short, and some are too long.
#4
First of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I really wish that there would have been more structure to the piece, but as it stands it's very good. I enjoyed reading it and I liked the fact that you kept the metaphor throughout the piece. There are only two lines that don't sit well with me. First all the phrase "thousand blemishes". Blemishes just doesn't seem to be the right word. And I think you could end the piece on a better line besides "I am a sidewalk". The entire piece was sort of mysterious and the last line is just too blunt. I would've ended it on somethin along the lines of "And they layed me out in front of your house." Just a suggestion. Oh and it's "Zavala" not "Lavia". Anyways, I hope to read more from you.
#5
Quote by themarsvolta
First of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I really wish that there would have been more structure to the piece, but as it stands it's very good. I enjoyed reading it and I liked the fact that you kept the metaphor throughout the piece. There are only two lines that don't sit well with me. First all the phrase "thousand blemishes". Blemishes just doesn't seem to be the right word. And I think you could end the piece on a better line besides "I am a sidewalk". The entire piece was sort of mysterious and the last line is just too blunt. I would've ended it on somethin along the lines of "And they layed me out in front of your house." Just a suggestion. Oh and it's "Zavala" not "Lavia". Anyways, I hope to read more from you.



I actually knew how Cedric's name was spelled, I can't believe I made that mistake! I must not have been thinking.

And the suggestions you made are very helpful. I'm sure I can find a better word than "blemishes," but I just didn't want to use a dumb word like "scars" or something. But I will change that.

As for the last line, I'm not sure how I want to end it yet. I'm not sure if I want to keep it in that metaphor mode, like you suggested, or have something really simple that just kind of ends it, and almost surprises you, although it is pretty blunt.

And speaking of Cedric, I'm not even sure I want that line in there, it doesn't really sit well with the rest of the piece, but maybe I'll reread it again later and like it.

Thanks for your suggestions.