#1
crit4crit
A LAMB WHO HANDSHOOK A NAIL

I once had a dream
That on the third night
I bought you a basket
And you asked me why
So I wrote down your questions
With such paschal style
And I called it a love letter
Everyone else called it the Bible

I colored the pages
With crosses and rabbits
And I put my prayer book
Inside of your Easter basket

When this endless reign
Pours into your hands
I want to be your Christ
I want to be your lamb.
The sheepskin clouds you carry
Won't you give them to me
Because only rainstorms
Create the flowers of spring

But whenever I try
To hold your hand in mine,
You never fail
To make me feel like
A lamb who handshook a nail.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 9, 2009,
#2
I like it all, except for the last section.

I like the line "I called it a love letter; everyone else called it the Bible."
You go from specific singular, you, to very board and big, and it gives a sense of gigantic...ness.

In fact, in my opinion, the whole first section is really great. I think it kind of gives a sense of... I don't know... mystery, not the best word, that you don't necessarily lose during the rest of the piece, but it's just so nice in that first paragraph that when I read the "I look into your eyes, I remember, love never fails" It just sounds kind of corny.

Other than that though, I think you've got something cool, and interesting, combining love with the religion. I like it.

Crit me por favor? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=804816
#3
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
A LAMB WHO HANDSHOOK A NAIL

I once had a dream
That on the third night
I bought you a basket
And you asked me why
So I wrote down your questions
With such paschal style
And I called it a love letter
Everyone else called it the Bible

I colored the pages
With crosses and rabbits
And I put my prayer book
Inside of your Easter basket

When this endless reign
Pours into your hands
I want to be your Christ
I want to be your lamb.
The sheepskin clouds you carry
Won't you give them to me
Because only rainstorms
Create the flowers of spring

Many, many times I've felt like
A lamb who handshook a nail
But when I look into your eyes
I remember, "Love never fails"


First off, I like the line "A lamb who handshook a nail". Great imagery and description there. It has really good flow all the way through, especially the second stanza. The only real qualms I have are with the last too lines, which feel a little out of place compared to the rest of the piece. It's almost too corny as mentioned above, and if you could find some alternative, I think it would pull the whole thing together nicely.

Other than that, I enjoyed it. Good work.

If you can, please check out my OTS, Wrecking Crew which should be on the first or second page.
#4
As usual, an enjoyable read from you, and like said before, there are some lines that do give off nice imagery. Also, some nice subtle rhymes here and there, and i give you props for not making them seem to forced. Other than that, I don't really have too much to say here other than it was a good read.

I should a new one up here soon.