#1
"What's so important that I had to come over at 2 in the morning, Randy?"
I lept over the coffee table to clear some old Stuff magazines off a chair
for her to sit down on.
"Take a seat, though I don't think it's best, because you're just gonna
fucking stand up when you see this."
She wiped some cigarette ash off of it and sat down.
I wheeled it out.
"Is that your grandmother's antique sewing machine?"
"Yes, it is."
Wires ran from the pedal and into the television.
A car battery was shoved into the spokes.
"Jesus, Randy, you ruined it! It was an antique."
"Well now it's a time machine."
She stared at me.
I didn't have a shirt on.
Motor oil stained my skin, up into my hair.
"You need to go to sleep."
"No, you've gotta see this. Right now it only takes you into the future. It takes you one day into the future, and only for five seconds, then you come back. It still needs some work. You want a test drive?"
She gave what I registered as a nod and I grabbed her hand.
I sat her down on a stool in front of it.
"Pedal..."
She began to tap the pedal and the television clicked on.
"Keep pedaling..."
She gained momentum and after a few seconds she vanished.
While she was gone I began to cut up a line of blow.
I poured a glass of Dewer's for the both of us.
She re-appeared.

"How was it? What did you see?"
She looked at the glass.
"Is that for me?"
"Yeah, I poured it for you."
She downed the glass then grabbed mine and killed it.
"I was in your apartment. I was standing right over there by the table. You were standing by the door. You pulled out a straight-razor and sliced your throat. It was so fast, the way the blood shot out. Like someone twisted a pack of ketchup."
I poured another glass and sat down on the stool.
"Randy?"
I began to pedal and within moments disappeared.
When I re-appeared she lept herself onto me.
"Randy? Randy! What happened?"
"I was in your apartment. You were in bed with someone."
She backed up and sat down on the couch.
I lit a cigarette and stood up.
"And?"
I grabbed the bottle of Dewer's and headed for my bedroom.
"And it sounded like two eagles fucking inside a whiskey bottle."
Poor advice.
#2
lol - Kinda sad though.
Quote by Lamont

i once dreamt my wallet was on a helicopter and i chased after it. and eventually i pulled my dick out and lassoed the bottom of the copter and pulled it out of the sky. i woke up screaming
#4
I thought it wasn't funny but senses of humour vary. I quite liked this, Randy. The story line was creative and I was hooked from the beginning.

One little wording thing that bugged me was: "she leapt herself on me" - I thought it was uncomfortable and didn't make much sense in the context.


Really nice read overall though.
#7
I don't think you did anything wrong. The humour in it adds to the vulgarity which I presume is exactly what you intended. It's not sad in heartbreaking way, more in a... I don't know. A real way, I guess (which is ironic, one of the only pieces on here that mentions time machines and eagles fucking in bottles appears to be the only thing that seems real)

I won't crit it because I doubt it would help you. Just know I enjoyed it.
#8
Well, I always read your work on here, and I usually always never have anything to critique. I guess I can't because I enjoy them too much. Nothing makes me stop reading, and ask myself "Why didn't he do this instead?", and by that I mean it just all feels right. All of your pieces seem to create this half-surreal half-reality feeling, where I'm trying to figure out which parts are truth and which are fiction. Most of all, it makes me think, which I think is how you tell good work from the bad.

Sorry I kind of went on an ass-kissing frenzy there.

I know I didn't really help you at all in any way, but if you could read my OTS (Wrecking Crew) somewhere on the first page, and even just give it a brief comment, I'd be really grateful.
#9
I just wish you would stop with the poetry format and write regular prose short stories, it fits your style so much better. This is great though.

And on a completely seperate and random note, I obtained the Fleet Foxes cd four months before it hits stores.
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#10
^I've been thinking about that. Most of my ventures into short stories turn out well. To me anyways.

I also got the Fleet Foxes EP and full length a good while back. It's pretty fantastic. We need to obtain the rights to "White Winter HYmnal" so we can use it for something.
Poor advice.
#11
You're going to love this, but I contacted this girl who does a capella covers of songs and she said she would score our movie with covers (copy rights removed) I'll send you the link through myspace.
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#12
I thing I might say about this is instead of the word '****ing' in the last line, maybe the word 'fighting' or something else to create a little more contrast from what is actually happening. Anywho, other than that, I thought the buildup here was pretty epic, almost more so than the ending, cause I was feeling half-way through that this could pretty much go anywhere. Good stuff.

I should have a new one up if you want to take a look-see. You might like it.
#15
I won't be able to do a proper critique of this, because I'm not quite sure how to crit prose, but I just wanted to say great job

edit: So I was eating dinner, and the whole time I couldn't get this out of my head. My above comment was on the writing, but now, I really really have to give you props on the meaning behind it. And damn. This is one of the most brilliant things I've ever read.

lol, now I'm going to look so stupid if it turns out that you didn't even mean the things that I picked up from it....
Quote by joeyj123
there are 11 words in 'the alphabet'
Last edited by 1h81337 at Mar 9, 2008,