#1
C4C

[U]Unfamiliar Pleasures[/U]

A rippling sensation falls over me
As though I’ve fallen upon a liquid wasteland
Absorbing my every struggle
Mocking my splashing hands

Shimmering waves,
As if to say good-bye,
Flow away in every direction,
Making me wonder, 
If it was something I said.

And in this moment,
I feel as though nothing is sacred…

A beautiful thing if you think about it,
For everything to be within your reach,
Without a single point to preach,
Allowing the melodic whispers of perseverance,
To, in such an elegant manner,
Slip gently past your ear.

Is this what paradise is like?
A cool breeze upon tense skin
With veins that once pulsated
Finally being allowed to sink in

Standing upon mountain tops
With time in my hands
As the clock stops
And I lean forward…

          [I]            Free
                           fall,
                       Free
                          fall,

I feel the wind,
I feel it all.[/I]

Stepping in reverse,
Like cradle from hearse.
A requiem for honest dreams,
And a forgotten curse.

Allowing the fresh elation,
To perpetuate,
In a climax of relaxation,
That aids my fate.

And again,
This edge seems to me, a friend,
Like the autonomy of eternity,
So I float upon the wind’s safety…

                            [I] Free
                                  fall,
                             Free
                                 fall,

What is pain?
I can’t recall.[/I]
#3
I think towards the middle of it, you started to rhyme a little too much. I think you should just let it flow naturally. Too many rhymes rolling off the tongue gives the song a sour flavor.
#4
Hey there.

A rippling sensation falls over me
As though I’ve fallen upon a liquid wasteland
Absorbing my every struggle
Mocking my splashing hands

The rhyme here was great. I have slight issues with L1/3 though... they just don't really feel right... if you know what I mean. They're sort of necessary 'flow' lines that don't really tell me anything more than they have to, they don't really give me a clear picture.


Shimmering waves,
As if to say good-bye,
Flow away in every direction,
Making me wonder,
If it was something I said.
Meh. Pretty good. Feels a bit plain, but you get your point across well.

And in this moment,
I feel as though nothing is sacred…
Okay, cool. I like it.

A beautiful thing if you think about it,
For everything to be within your reach,
Without a single point to preach,
Allowing the melodic whispers of perseverance,
To, in such an elegant manner,
Slip gently past your ear.
Very nice. Really sweet. Why is the first letter in every line capitalized though? Last line feels a tad cut short.

Is this what paradise is like?
A cool breeze upon tense skin
With veins that once pulsated
Finally being allowed to sink in
Love the idea, just the execution in the last line is lacking for me. I had to read it a few times to put it all together, and the rhyme this time round isn't as good as it was the first time.

Standing upon mountain tops
With time in my hands
As the clock stops
And I lean forward…
Mountaintops is one word, although it still makes sense as it is now, you probably knew that though. This feels too blunt, it's a tad cliche as well... that said, I like how it leads into the next part.

Free
fall,
Free
fall,

I feel the wind,
I feel it all.

No complaints here.

Stepping in reverse,
Like cradle from hearse.
A requiem for honest dreams,
And a forgotten curse.
Farkin' brilliant. First two lines were amazingly good.

Allowing the fresh elation,
To perpetuate,
In a climax of relaxation,
That aids my fate.
A bit of a let down after the last verse, I'm not keen on two word lines, and I feel like there are too many commas here. The rhyme feels quite cheesy.

And again,
This edge seems to me, a friend,
Like the autonomy of eternity,
So I float upon the wind’s safety…

Free
fall,
Free
fall,

What is pain?
I can’t recall.

Love the ending. The rhyme from 'fall' to 'recall' cemented this for me. Couldn't have asked for a better ending.

Thanks for the crit on mine. I focused moreso on what was wrong with this [for me] that what I liked. I figure you know what's really good and you don't need me to tell you.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#5
I am actually quite impressed with this...to me, seemed a very disiplined piece, you didn't hardly stray from the subject and you got across what you were trying to with the ease and smoothness of the topic itself.

To me, this is a good feeling to live by in everyday life, or at least try and obtain at times. Well done here, for it certainly shall relax me for a while.

If you want: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=805616