#1
Numb-

Is the feeling
That ever so silently
Creeps
Crawls

And plagues
The twins I so cherish
The children I so bear

it CAUSES them to hack
To sneeze
and
To bleed

While I make them slave
Day in
And Day out

And Even Though
the pain That I beAr
sometimes MAKES ME LOSE ALL MY AIR

i still FORCE IT out
to a poinT
tHAT makeS me SHOUT
Last edited by VIRUSDETECTED at Mar 7, 2008,
#2
Quote by VIRUSDETECTED
Numb-

Is the feeling
That ever so silently
Creeps
Crawls
decent start

And plagues
The twins I so cherish
The children I so bear
this is pretty good too, but i cant say i like the last line

it CAUSES them to hack
To sneeze
and
To bleed

While I make them slave
Day in
And Day out

And Even Though
the pain That I beAr
sometimes MAKES ME LOSE ALL MY AIR

i still FORCE IT out
to a poinT
tHAT makeS me SHOUT

i dont like the ending rhyme with shout, but thats prob just me

sorry i cant really help all that much, but i do like it anyway. I think i know what this is a bout, but i dont want to say in case im wrong
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#3
Quote by VIRUSDETECTED
Numb-

Is the feeling
That ever so silently
Creeps
Crawls

And plagues
The twins I so cherish
The children I so bear

it CAUSES them to hack
To sneeze
and
To bleed

While I make them slave
Day in
And Day out

And Even Though
the pain That I beAr
sometimes MAKES ME LOSE ALL MY AIR

i still FORCE IT out
to a poinT
tHAT makeS me SHOUT


This is pretty cool, if a little short. It would be better if you could just keep all the fonts and everything the same though, it's kind of annoying to read the way it is.

I like the ideas you're trying to express, and I think it would be even cooler if you used a little "more advanced" vocabulary. I know for the sake of rhyme and rhythm it doesn't always work, but still, it's nice when you can get really detailed imagery.

I think the "lose my air" rhyme is kind of corny, but other than that, I think this is some pretty good writing. I like the second paragraph, it just hits me the right way, and I think it sounds the best.

Also, if you could "crit" my piece, that would be great. Thanks. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=804816