#1
Crit for crit, naturally.

Severing mountains above us
Stuffed rolls of cloud all fall away.
Echoing in a garbled mash of thick reverb
Meaningless and feverish.

oh.
how you hypnotise
remastered to lose the flak
with a world of expectations on your back
swirling thoughts tickle your mind
searching but you won't find
because you don't know what you're looking for.

Feverish words.
Tell-tale migraines bursts
Felicitations in a morgue,
Dancing to the sound of the gat
Did you count on that?

for all the days,
parched lips so hurt.
both cracked and blistered.
you look so hurt
reality as a blank abstract dream
You look so hurt.
Last edited by linear-equation at Mar 7, 2008,
#2
Quote by linear-equation


Severing mountains above us
Stuffed rolls of cloud all fall away.
Echoing in a garbled mash of thick reverb
Meaningless and feverish.

I love the first line, "serving mountains", it really commands a powerful image to the listener. Especially as a first line, really good. Followed by the epic scale of the second line, it commands a sense of height. I'm unsure about the third line, garbled may be a difficult word to sing, and it kinda breaks the flow of the line. Echoing in a mash of thick reverb, flows better in my opinion. The final line, is great, it's almost like announciation for some reason. Good way to finish.

oh.
how you hypnotise
remastered to lose the flak
with a world of expectations on your back
swirling thoughts tickle your mind
searching but you won't find
because you don't know what you're looking for.

Wow. Simply wow. This kicks alot of ass. I love the flow of the lines, you can sense the build up. My only criticism is that the final line kills the flow abit. "searching you won't find/things you so desire" or something?

Feverish words.
Tell-tale migraines bursts
Felicitations in a morgue,
Dancing to the sound of the gat
Did you count on that?

I'm unsure about this one. Tell-tale migarines bursts is an excellent if slightly noire image. Dancing to the sound of the gat confused me greatly, I'm unsure of what it means. Good rhyme to finish the verse tho

for all the days,
parched lips so hurt.
both cracked and blistered.
you look so hurt
reality as a blank abstract dream
You look so hurt.
I love this. Brilliant way to finish. Very off the cuff and odd, but great. Hard to describe! lol

#3
Why, thank you very much. I agree that the last line of the second verse is overly wordy, but I can't find a way to condense it. A gat is a gun, if you're wondering. Thanks for your crit.