#1
This was almost called..."I'm scared of losing my hair"
Ink and a link and ill probably give you some ink...if you piece moves me.
-

There is a whir, then a hum
As reality comes undone.
Each eye-closed memory.
Each sense that is dulled.
And the whisper of trees,
Evergreen with disease
Cracked at the roots
Bursting immor-tality,
All bright and green,
With envy of delicacy.

Such is the shiver of a Second's finger tips;
They pick and they pry
As we birth and die,
In the ruins of Rome,
The devastation of Troy,
Sat on the cracked throne of Guernica
Not a man but a boy.

Oh, how to make sense of this
Coming and going,
This receding and growing;
As the Bay of Rebirth is awash with
Tides of Decay...
--Say I have another minute Father.
So that I may hold what is warm,
And love what is new,
Whilst I cripple with age,
Like a crease on this page.
Last edited by hiddeninromance at Mar 7, 2008,
#2
There is a whir, then a hum
As reality comes undone.
Each eye-closed memory.
Each sense that is dulled.
And the whisper of trees,
Evergreen with disease
Cracked at the roots
Bursting immor-tality,
All bright and green,
With envy of delicacy.

Words such as 'Cracked', 'Disease' and 'Bursting' are very over-used words that ultimately ruined this stanza for me.

Such is the shiver of a Second's finger tips;
They pick and they pry
As we birth and die,
In the ruins of Rome,
The devastation of Troy,
Sat on the cracked throne of Guernica
Not a man but a boy.

I personally think that this should take the place of the first stanza, it was very pleasent and made me, as a reader, want to read on, something the first stanza was lacking.

Oh, how to make sense of this
Coming and going,
This receding and growing;
As the Bay of Rebirth is awash with
Tides of Decay...
--Say I have another minute Father.
So that I may hold what is warm,
And love what is new,
Whilst I cripple with age,
Like a crease on this page.

I love the ideas presented on this stanza but i think that this piece as a whole was quite prematurely ended, although this was a strong stanza. The whole piece in itself didn't wow me but it was enjoyable. I hope to read more from you.

Fred Temple.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Mar 7, 2008,
#3
Quote by hiddeninromance
This was almost called..."I'm scared of losing my hair"
Ink and a link and ill probably give you some ink...if you piece moves me.
-

There is a whir, then a hum
As reality comes undone.
Each eye-closed memory.
Each sense that is dulled.
And the whisper of trees,
Evergreen with disease
Cracked at the roots
Bursting immor-tality,
All bright and green,
With envy of delicacy.

i think the rhyme in line one and two is pretty bland and starts the piece off slowly, the rest of the stanza works out nicely though and flows pretty well

Such is the shiver of a Second's finger tips;
They pick and they pry
As we birth and die,
In the ruins of Rome,
The devastation of Troy,
Sat on the cracked throne of Guernica
Not a man but a boy.

i thought this was lacking. the images are pretty boring and lack description for the reader to actually grasp the emotion that is supposed to be attached to them.

Oh, how to make sense of this
Coming and going,
This receding and growing;
As the Bay of Rebirth is awash with
Tides of Decay...
--Say I have another minute Father.
So that I may hold what is warm,
And love what is new,
Whilst I cripple with age,
Like a crease on this page.

this isn't terrible, but its nothing fantastic either. the ending seems to really lack effect, the last line is a description thats been used to many times and it doesn't seem to do much.


i'd say its a nice start, i dont like this one as much as the others ive read from you