#1
When I called you
You didnt answer me.
You wouldn't say a word
even tho you heard, me.

I thought you were nice and sweet
and then you grabbed a bite to eat.

I make my move on you and then you moved away from me
you should just tell me how you feel
because i still dont know what to do.
Should i keep on calling you?

Did you make your mind up did you figure it out,
what you are going to do with your life.

and then you told me. YOU WASTED MY TIME.
How could i know that if you wouldn't tell me
I thought we were going to be together forever.

I make my move on you and then you moved away from me
you should just tell me how you feel
because i still dont know what to do.
Should i keep on calling you?
___________________________________________


hope you like it?
Last edited by icooksauce at Mar 7, 2008,
#4
When I called you
You didnt answer me.
You wouldn't say a word
It feels unfinished at this point. Add a last line so this stanza is a little more complete.

I thought you were nice and sweet and then you grabbed a bite to eat.
You should separate this to keep the flow simple to understand.

I make my move on you and then you moved away from me
you should just tell me how you feel
because i still dont know what to do.
Should i keep on calling you?
I like this, nothing to change imo. Good imagery.

Did you make your mind up did you figuire it out,
what you are going to do with your life.
Combine this stanza with the next one. Simple spelling error, "figure".

and then you told me. YOU WASTED MY TIME.
How could i know that if you wouldn't tell me
I thought we were going to be together forever.
I like the emotion in this, it is very vivid. Although this has been used innumerable times I like your wording. Makes it a little more interesting.

I make my move on you and then you moved away from me
you should just tell me how you feel
because i still dont know what to do.
Should i keep on calling you?
Once again, nothing here.

Overall, I'd say this is fairly good. It feels very emotion-driven and causes some sympathetic and empathetic emotions to arise. Keep up the good work, please take a look at my song "Your Shallow Grave".
Last edited by PerfectDrowning at Mar 7, 2008,