#1
Atleast she left a note this time. The time before last she left without my knowledge. I woke that day buried beneath piles of sheets to keep myself from the autumn cold, next to the indent that she permanently left on the right side of our bed. I found it odd, seeing as I always wake atleast three hours before her. It was hard to convince myself she was just out on the town due to her prior history with up and leaving, but I did. Always she would complain of how she was couped up in this cramped den with no where to go but from our bedroom to the living room, and back and forth as she so pleases. An hour a day was spent listening to her try to convince me to move into a bigger space, but I always denied wishing to live a modest, although slightly cramped lifestyle.

Just the night before I had the faint feeling that she was letting go. I asked her as we were laying in bed if she was happy, she glanced at me out of the corner of her eye and acknowledged the question with nothing but her peripheal and answered heavy heartedly, 'yes, yes I am happy, though I am not quite sure what that means'.

This time though, she must have been feeling sentimental because she left a letter in my mailbox addressed to me and even postage stamped, though I am convinced she just stuffed it in my mailbox the morning that she fled. It read like she was reading the eulogy at my funeral. I finished the first paragraph before stopping in disgust.

"Matthew we had fun, but I promised I would never love you and you promised me the same. I feel that promise has been weighing too heavily on you, so I'm leaving the late night existential talks, the left over chinese and ramen dinners, the remote you always loose for the television that never works, our imprints on the bed and the fish we never once fed, and I'm under the assumption you too feel its for the best."

Human beings should never assume. Now I've nothing to do but rake leaves the salty breeze blew from the limbs of the crooked trees onto the yard I once again had forgotten to mow. I do not understand those who can rake with sincerity on a serene fall day. I find it troublesome. I find it nothing but a chore. I just proceed half ass in a flurry of curse words I find only fitting for a morning like this.
#2
This seems very close to the way my ex left.......The last time.......Bitches!!! Who needs em?!


"I shed my last tear when I realized I was alive, and Love is only a Lie"
#3
Quote by mickyddaniels
This seems very close to the way my ex left.......The last time.......Bitches!!! Who needs em?!


"I shed my last tear when I realized I was alive, and Love is only a Lie"


okay.. anyone who has something to about the actual piece itself and not just bitches, leave a link and ill get to yours.
#4
Quote by mickyddaniels
Are we a little pretentious bitch..... HEy I liked it, I just dont think I like you! In case you did not notice this aint a poetry site.....Nobody gives a piss about your story.....These aint song lyrics or guitar related.........So piss off........Prick


Warned.

Zach
This is not a pipe
#5
Quote by mickyddaniels
Are we a little pretentious bitch..... HEy I liked it, I just dont think I like you! In case you did not notice this aint a poetry site.....Nobody gives a piss about your story.....These aint song lyrics or guitar related.........So piss off........Prick


In case you "ain't" noticed, the works on here are predominantly poetry... songs are few and far between... and good ones even farther. In case you "ain't" noticed (part 2), this is more a short story than a poem. In case you "ain't" noticed (part 3), His point is valid... so STFU or GTFO. Grow up, he was simply saying that he wants real feedback not someone telling another story in his thread. Sure, he might have been a little rude... but not nearly as rude as you just were. There's this thing called "taking the high road," I suggest you learn about it.

Please enjoy your warning.

-zC

EDIT: Carmel beat me to it u_u.

Re-Edit: so this isn't entirely spam.... Rushmore (name?), I'll be back. I intended on reading and commenting with what little time I had, but got caught up in this... send me a PM if I forget.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Mar 7, 2008,
#6
The last two stanzas were fantastic, but everything up to that was incredibly dry to me. Very stagnant, which proved difficult to read on, but I stuck with it and luckily, it's rewarding in the end.

I don't know exactly how you can rework this to be more....vivid. But I suggest opening this in a way that grabs better.

I don't know if I helped.

I have a new one up. Just some kind words would suffice.
Poor advice.
#7
thanks stellar. i wrote this all within like 15 minutes, it all just came out so im going to go back and edit when i feel inspired again. ill get to yours after work tonight